My First Time

For some reason today I am thinking about my very first time I ever cut. It was January 1988, I was in Orlando, Florida. To be more to the point I was at a children's home called Great Oaks Village. At the time I was a child of the state, the reasons probably led up to this moment in my life but somehow it just seems to be a rather mute point for this story. I should mention that I had just did a four month stint in a psychiatric hospital due to a suicide attempt by overdosing. I mention it because that is where I learned about self mutilation, although up to this point I had never partaken in this activity.

I think it was a Friday evening, I was on dorm restriction, for what I have no recollection. This meant I was to stay in my dorm room and was not allowed to listen to my radio. I was more than ok with staying in my room but I needed my music or I would have lost my mind. I was not playing it loud, just loud enough for me to hear it laying in my bed. Thinking back on it now, something that has never occurred to me over all theses years is that one of the girls in my dorm room must have ratted me out to the dorm mothers, because now that I think about it, it was odd that the dorm mother came to my dorm room just to catch me with my music playing.

OK, so yeah, I was laying in my bed listening to music, not bothering anyone, actually being 'good' and in walks the dorm mother and catches me listening to my music. OK, I will turn it off, but no that ***** thought she needed to confiscate my radio, that I was not having. I was standing between her and my radio and she came at me, menacingly, I might add, and I felt threatened, so at this point I pushed the dorm mother. Well all hell broke loose and a war was started. The dorm mother was going to press charges, then proceeded to go through all my belongings to look for contraband. They really sucked with their search proceedures, I had a disposable razor hidden in my drawer which was not found.

So it was determined that I was going to be put in time out, I was awaiting my sentence in a chair by the backdoor of the house. No one was paying attention to what I was doing, everyone was so concerned about this f-ing dorm mother I pushed and finding out if she was OK that no one noticed when i walked back into my dorm room and retrieved the disposable razor from my drawer. I can't remember where I dismantled it, I just remember sticking the razor under my bra so it wouldn't be detected when I was taken and locked in the isolation room.

My thoughts at this time were I needed to get the f*** out of this place by any means necessary. So I was patted down and put into a large cement room, no padding, no chairs, nothing but four walls, floor,ceiling and a door. I went to the corner and sat down, knees pressed against my chest and initially arms wrapped around my legs. I gave it a few minutes to be sure I was alone and would be left alone. Then I took that razor blade out from under my bra and began. I don't recall exactly where the first cut was. I carved a cross into the top inside part of my left breast. I slit each finger tip on my left hand, and made several other incisions on my left fore arm.

I was wearing a white t-shirt and light grey knit pants. At this point I was bleeding out of several openings in my flesh but some how this was not going to hit it home, so I then proceeded to wipe my arm across my white t-shirt and lower portion of my pants as my knees were still pulled up against me. Eventually, it seemed like several minutes, one of the persons checking on the persons in isolation came by and looked in the window of the door of my cell and was horrorified at the site.

Of course it was another one of those, Oh my, what just happened moments for them. But alas I was taken to a mental health facility, where they send those folks who get baker acted. It didn't matter, I got the f*** out of that place I was. I succeeded, at what cost, who knows, it was the beginning of what still ocassionally takes place.

mljenkins mljenkins
41-45, F
Nov 26, 2012