Hold On To What You Have- Its Long But It Has A Point

First there was the boy I'd had a crush on for nearly a year. That lasted four weeks before I broke up with him because we were both too young to know how to be in a relationship (young 14). Then there was the second guy, who'd fancied me for almost a year and a half, who I thought I fancied, who I wanted to fancy- but it all got rushed and confused. He was my first kiss, after which I realised we should have stayed just friends. I had no idea how to break up with him; we were friends and I couldn't stand to see the look on his face, so I ended up being a coward and mixed together the two worst ways to dump someone: I asked a friend to give him a note. "*******, I'm sorry to break up with you but it's meaner to string you along and let you think everything's okay". I still feel bad about it. Ironically, he forgave me before anyone else did. Everyone had an opinion; this is when words like **** started flying about. Sure they were teasing me, but it still hurt my feelings- I'd had one kiss, which was positively mundane compared to some of the other people I knew. Underneath my friendly and single exterior, I was secretly pining after someone who I'd always had a bit of a thing for but lately it had become a full blown crush- thus guy was also a good friend and I'd recently helped him work up th courage to ask out the girl of his dreams. At first in a moment of desperation I told one friend, who advised me to tell the said Dream Girl as she was one of my best friends and she deserved to know. I wasn't sure though if she needed that kind of worry in her life as I knew I would never do anything about this. The next weekend I was at a sleepover at Dream Girl's house and I still hadn't decided what to don- in the end it came out in the worst possible way with me trying to get her to guess and giving her clues. My intent was to let her know that it was unimportant and that I just thought she should be aware but it sounded as if I was warning her to keep an eye on her boyfriend. After about two months (in the summer holidays) I realised the crush had ton, as they do. I never mentioned it to Dream Girl- I thought she'd work it out, but after I heard some gossip (which turned out to be going round our entire group) that everybody thought it was still true. Crap. I told Dream Girl, but somewhat unsurprisingly this less interesting turn of events did not travel round our group as quickly, and dream girl's boyfriend was very angry about the whole thing. He thought ( and still thinks) I told everyone to get attention, which showed how little he knew me. In November we were all invited to the green near his house for bonfire night, and me, my friend Em and two boys were lying next to each other staring at the stars on top of a climbing frame. I had been feeling lonely lately and so for a game I asked the boy I was next to (James) if he wanted to pretend to be a couple for the evening. He was easy to talk to, honest and sweet- my favourite kind of person. He looked at me surprisedly and said all right with an open smile, reaching up and putting his arm under my shoulders as I lay back down closer to him. We carried on talking as we had before, noticing on the peripheral that Em and her guy had copied us ( me and Em were both lonely). We must have stayed there like that for half an hour at least. When we came down from the frame as our friends called us we continued the game, laughing as we explained to the others. Dream Girl smiled mischievously and told us to copy her and her bf. at first it was really tame: arms round waists, holding hands, that kind if stuff. Then, she looked us up and down and kissed her bf. I looked at James and he looked nervously back at me. I was very awar of his hand on my hip. At the same moment we leaned forward and kissed.

It took us half a month but on the 26th we became a couple. I'll admit I want sure at first because of my previous 'relationships' but I figured we were all older now, and I felt safe with James- and I could tell he really liked me. We took it a little fast because the only relationship we were exposed to was fairly physical being in its sixth month already ( nothing dodgy, we just made out lightly but it was a little intense as I hadn't known him that long) . After the Christmas holidays were over, three things combined to send me off the rails.
1) Dream Girl's bf was more bitter than I realised and had a vendetta against me. He told James I just wanted a boyfriend, was stringing him along. James took no notice, but it had a massive effect on me.
2) as the end of January neared I noticed that that would be two months- as long as any relationship of mine had lasted, so I started to think this one had to end too.
3) my dad, who had basically been kicked out when I was seven ( but due to my mums belief in family hand always been around a lit) had moved back in essentially. This guy has a weird ability to cut you off from your emotions.

So on jan 31st I told James I didn't think we should go out anymore. I will never forget the look of panic on his face or the way he grabbed my arms and begged me not to do this. Or how, though I knew deep down I was doing the wrong thing, I told him I was sorry and left. I cut myself for the first time that night, usin a fairly blunt wood knife I had in my cupboard. I barely bled but there was a noticeable scab thee next morning. James asked me in IT the next day if we could get back together, and in a moment of insanity I pulled up my sleeve and showed him. To his credit he didn't run away. Just looked upset. Didnt see him for a while at school or even feel anything (see factor 3) for about a week, but then break even came on the radio and I broke down in tears, just sobbing for half an hour. The next morning I had the mask back on, and was as cheery as ever to the untrained eye. My friends hesitantly told me about the gossip going around about me. ****, attention seeker, slag. I was mortified but thought it would blow over.

At first I just managed to gt the plastic safety guard off the leg razor. I kept going over the first cut because I thought it would be easier to hide. It was difficult because the razor was awkward to get to but I persevered. It was addictive.

That weekend there was a party to go to, a big one. I got ready with my two best friends and tried to suppress the stupid urge to make James jealous- I knew there was no need and I didn't want to hurt him. I was wearing short shirts, a pink tank top and I vintage jacket, hair loose wih a flower, and heels on my feet. I used concealer on my arm.

I ended up talking to James that night, and the words that came out of my only slightly drunk mouth still make me bite my lip. "I'll only end up cheating on you, I'm a skit, you deserve better. " and that was my self esteem. He just looked at me, straight in the eye like he always had. As i left, Fix You played out. I spent the night crying.

By his time I'd learned to get the razor out if the plastic case entirely, and I dragged it across sky pale skin four times, abandoning the old cut and forming new ones. The blood beaded vibrantly throught the sting of the broken skin and I licked it off, reluctant to use tissue in case my mum found out.

****. *****. Stringing him along. Attention seeking. Liar.

Day by day the cuts extended, still close together, up my arm and became harder to cover with make up so I took to wearing a hairband around my arm or long sleeves.

Next there was the texting over February half term and valentines day, as easy as ever.

The on the tenth of march there was the party in my best friend's houseboat where we all ended up topless (girls kept their bras on) and James looked at me. Then he closed his eyes and tiled his head to the side as he tentatively trace his fingers and hands over my waist and stomach. Tenderest and most vivid moment of my life. We ended up kissing on the bed, a closeness which I hadn't realised how much I missed.

I went home crying again. Drag, sting, lick, repeat, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

17th of march brought another party requiring shirt shirts and heels, but given my state if mind I was less boho more 'please admire me, please think I'm sexy' and secretly 'James, I love you, I love you'. I was standing talking, attempting to appear musket, when I sensed James behind me and felt his arms around my waist. Then, totally out of character and without even thinking I turns round and kissed him. He kissed me back. When I pulled away we were both dragged off by our respective friends and I was cautiously interrogated while James was openly disapproved of. I could hear Dream Girl's bf saying "she's such a ****, James, she's not worth it, look at what she's wearing she looks like she should b standing by the side if the road!". There goes the self esteem again. I we t to the food table for a glass of coke ( or something stronger if there was some) and felt jams beside me. I said hi as cheery as I could. He looked at me as I smiled weakly. " are you stringing me along?" He asked bluntly. I faltered.
" no. Not on purpose, no." I replied truthfully. At the end if the night I as ted nothing but James back as my boy and I stood crying literally in a corner. He saw me and rushed over, hugging me tightly. The words I wanted to say were on the edge of my tongue when he was pulled away to leave. Fix You was playing. I left crying again.

Drag, sting, lick, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Now there were thirteen thin red lines on my arm, some nearly healed and some still bleeding.

I didn't believe by his lint that I deserved a boyfriend at all, never mind someone as loving as James. But I wanted him so badly.

Drag, sting, lick, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Now there were sixteen lines.

On the 22nd of March 2012 as the school emptied, James pulled me aside to talk to me. I thought his would end up like the other times- us kissing in a moment of clarity and then me panicking and running away. But it wasn't. He took nigh my hands, looked at me with warm, determined brown eyes, closed them, opened them again. " if we never try, we'll never know." He said, looking at me so searchingly I couldn't look away. Something in his tone told me this was my last chance. I swallowed. Then nodded. "O- okay." I agreed. He tilted my face upwards and kissed me with more love and relief and passion than I ever dreamed he would feel for me, and he quickly left. I exhaled nervously and felt a huge pressure come off me and be replaced with a deep calm.

For weeks the names and gossip led by Dream Girl's boyfriend hung around. But now it didn't matter. It still hurt, but it didn't matter. I had been given my second chance, I had my wish.

On the twelfth of April James came over to my house, and the way he kissed me as if I was an angel made me happier than I can say.

James still tells me he loves me every day, and still kisses me like is the first and last time. It will be our anniversary in two months and six days. Rumours are always jus lies, and if you try to fight the. They tend to worsen. Do your best to ignore them and if you find something or someone to hold on to- don't let go.
LonelyFirefly LonelyFirefly
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

That was an amazing story, thank you so much. I really felt like I was you and it felt almost straight out of a book. I can barely relate, since I don't cut, don't have a bf... never have. Unless you count the douche that was my first/last one. But we didn't even date for 2 weeks. And i'm only 13, soooooo. Yeah. But the only way that I can relate is the bullying, being called names, wanting what you can't have, desperately trying to crawl out of the hole you dug yourself into, only making it deeper. I hope everything is ok now, and wish the best for you. Sounds like your school is/was really bad about gossip. But thank you, it was one of the best stories I have ever read about a real person.