I Used To Think I Was The Only One....

I used to think that I was the only one that cut myself. That I was really demented because I would slice my own flesh with a razor. Well, that's not totally true either, because I had a friend in high school who used to cut as well, and we would occasionally compare scratches. Except she used to tell everyone about it, while I would be discrete, hiding my secret shame, wondering what was wrong with me. Then I started to work at a residential treatment facility. There I found out several residents would cut on themselves, and therefore were labeled (damn labels) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And this pissed me off, because I do not have a borderline personality disorder, and it seemed rather shallow to label all those who cut with such a tag. So I set out searching for some answers. First I read everything I could about BPD, to assure that was indeed not my problem. And then I discovered the internet.

I am not alone! and neither are you!!

* So here is my story. I started cutting in high school. I don't know why I reached for the razor the first time, I guess b/c it was there. I was in too much pain, and I didn't know what to do about it. So I cut. To see blood was reassuring, to think I was getting what I deserved. I was numb. I couldn't feel any of the pain I was experiencing, so I cut in hopes that I would. It got to be an impulse. Got in an argument with my mom, had a bad day at school, just reached for the razors. You don't think. You just cut. And you don't feel, as desperately as you want to. All you usually feel is ashamed afterwards.

* I suppose I could have started drinking, or done drugs, or even smoked, but there was such a stigma attached to that. And I still had to be the perfect kid. A perfect kid like me couldn't get mixed up in that. So I cut instead, cuz I could still escape and no one would know. my own private idaho.

* I don't cut anymore! This is really amazing for me, and it wasn't easy. I cut my hand one day, and I just looked at my scars a couple of weeks later and thought, what the hell am I doing? How am I going to explain these scars? So I stopped. If I said I didn't miss it, I'd be lying. I do. I miss the relief. But I don't miss the scars. And I have slipped up and now have some nasty scars on my forearm to show for it, but that was years ago and I haven't cut since.
blueskydays blueskydays
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 27, 2010

congrats on stopping.I still cut,i started when i was 29.i dont do it that often but for me its not about pain most of the time,its about the blood,i just want to bleed.i try not to cut.like u i have really bad scares on my arms.I have even cut words on my leggs