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Struggling

I can remember the first time, like it was yesterday. Haha. It practically was, compared to how long many people stay on it. It was about 7 months ago now actually. Neighbor boy moves in, gets reall chummy with me and my brother. They called me on the phone one night, "Oh, H****! Come out with me tonight. I stole a gun from my grandparents house and met some guy from Georgia and traded it for 2 grams" Or something like that. I snorted it and smoked it for the first time in my life that night. And boy, how I loved the rush, it was so much bigger and better than the Adderall pills I was swallowing daily.. and for awhile the paranoia of becoming ugly kept me doing it, at most twice a month. I have always had a deathly fear of being ugly, before I ever had to worry about what became my favorite drug was doing to my looks. Christmas Eve, though, when I lost the love of my life and my best friend for good, and an aquatience of mine came to try to sell my brother a .2 and I let my Christmas money dwindle a bit and ended up buying it for 10 dollars myself cause he had a soft spot for me. And ever since then, it has turned from a weekend thing, to almost daily. I went from doing it scarecly with my brother, to trading my stuff behind my brother's back and smoking it all myself, to going off with guys alone for weekends at a time and lying about what I was doing to even my brother. The things I was willing to do. I went and stayed with a guy and we were feigning so bad that we took up a dealer on his offer of giving us a 50bag for an hour with me. Thankfully we came to our senses, and decided against it, but I was so WILLING and that scared me more than anything, but not enough to quit. or stop me from doing it that night, we talked his friend into buying us more for the night and doing it with us. I struggle daily with the urge not to do it, and i'm sorry to say that i've only been two and a half weeks clean, after coming so close to my parents finding out that I had a meltdown. I just realized I couldn't do that to them, or loose all my freedom. And that's what made me decide to stop..I don't know if i'm gonna crash and burn or be another successful self-rehabilitation story. Only time will tell, but I needed to share my story because it shows that even people you'd never think could do it, can. You could frequently hear me go around preaching against anything that wasn't weed, certain pills, and alcohol. But I guess the circumstances can change your mind eh? My battle is just be beginning with alot of life left to struggle through staying clean. Just gotta keep telling myself I can do it.
HnM44 HnM44 16-17, F 3 Responses Feb 19, 2013

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just keep telling yourself that because it's true. sometimes it seems questionable but i beleive in you. i'm only 4days sober off meth and it's my first day sober off inhalents and i have a long way to go. to be honest i'm keeping a rock to test myself. everyday im going to wake up knowing that i have some and say no to it everyday. its making me stronger, it is dangerous and everyone has told me to toss it but i just can't. it has too many memories. that could just be the addict still talking but i beleive i'll be stronger from it. i wish you all the luck in the world. i gave myself to someone because they started buying my it and giving me pot for free(not paying in money at least), i regret it too much now that i have a kind of boyfriend who i met the day after i got with the other 40year old man.
life throws you curve balls but believe in yourself and you will go far.

It's been rocky, and admittedly I've struggled more and more each day. Specially being offered it for free, having money too. Knowing where to get it, the best thing I have done is keep my mind off it, because thinking about it drives me INSANE.

it really does doesn't it? i've only been sober for 6days and i still can't get my mind off it. it's gotten easier but still it's there. i have faith that both of us will come out on top and that we'll stay on to. i wish you all the luck.

I had a relapse and binged for a good week and a half and it's been 5 days since my last day doing it, to be honest. I think it'll always be there though. No matter how long we do it. We'll do it for sure though, when it really makes us hit rockbottom. Sometimes that's what you need. Thanks, I wish you the same and more and you can always message me or something on here if you feel the urge or relaspe and wanna talk about it.

of course, but...i'm trying to add you to my circle but your profile is coming up blocked. :/ idk what to do

I added you to mine, did it work?

yes it works now.

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you can do it! Although it eventually gets easier, the longer you go without it, the less you crave it. Talk to somebody who is not a user when the uege hits you and try to stay busy.

Remember the word H.A.L.T as the craving will usually rear its ugly head when you are one or more of these 4 things:

H. Hungry
A. Angry
L. Lonely
T. Tired

When the urge hits you, eat, relax call a friend or take a nap...trust me, it helps!

Good luck on your journey and best of luck to you,
Awall1984

You can do it!