I Used to Self Harm
What can I say? The first time I ever cut myself I was 13 years old. It wasn't premeditated at all...it was pure impulse. I was a confused kid going through things no kid *should* ever have to deal with...I was being severely bullied at school which happened to be my escape from an extremely abusive household. As a result of this constant stress I trusted no one. I was losing my best/only close friend. I had already lost my father, not that that counts for anything now I guess. One day I was in the kitchen, my parents were fighting upstairs; in my frustration I grabbed a steak knife and pressed it to my clavicle until there were thin rivers of blood running down my shirt. It was as though my heart were actually the source of my pain and I was somehow trying to bleed some of that pain out of myself. Maybe that's too whimsical a description. I don't know. All I knew was that somehow I felt relief and calm from what I had done.
Long story short, things got far worse before they ever got any better. I started cutting regularly. I burnt myself from time to time. It got to the point where I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans in the summertime. I had lapses of times where I didn't do it regularly. At best I went a month or so without cutting and at worst I cut 4-5 times daily. It fluctuated for over 5 years.
Sadly I feel the need to interject in my own defense because I've endured some pretty cruel commentary on other stories, I never hurt myself for any sort of attention. I never went the cry-for-help "see what I did for you" route. I now wear cuffs on my wrists where the scars are the darkest and most obvious and I pass it off as a fashion statement.
I never could explain exactly why I did it. Some people do it to feel something. I guess it could have been that at times, but I've always been emotional. For a very long time I bottled up everything and this could have been a way of venting my frustration and sadness and bitterness. Other times it felt like I was punishing myself because I hated myself so much.
I feel like I've become a stronger person because of this and I guess what I'm really proud of right now is that I haven't hurt myself in four months. :) I really think things will be ok.
Long story short, things got far worse before they ever got any better. I started cutting regularly. I burnt myself from time to time. It got to the point where I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans in the summertime. I had lapses of times where I didn't do it regularly. At best I went a month or so without cutting and at worst I cut 4-5 times daily. It fluctuated for over 5 years.
Sadly I feel the need to interject in my own defense because I've endured some pretty cruel commentary on other stories, I never hurt myself for any sort of attention. I never went the cry-for-help "see what I did for you" route. I now wear cuffs on my wrists where the scars are the darkest and most obvious and I pass it off as a fashion statement.
I never could explain exactly why I did it. Some people do it to feel something. I guess it could have been that at times, but I've always been emotional. For a very long time I bottled up everything and this could have been a way of venting my frustration and sadness and bitterness. Other times it felt like I was punishing myself because I hated myself so much.
I feel like I've become a stronger person because of this and I guess what I'm really proud of right now is that I haven't hurt myself in four months. :) I really think things will be ok.
By:
permafrost21
Age:
22-25
,
Female
