Five Months And Counting

I've been cutting myself on and off for 7 years, starting at 12. My mom passed away on my 7th birthday, but besides that my life hasn't been particularly difficult. You'd never guess by looking at me. I'm blonde and preppy. I come from an upper middle class family, went to an advanced private school up to 11th grade, and now go to a good college. I cut because I didn't understand or know how to cope with my emotions. I suffer from PTSD as a result of my mom's death. It's not usually what you think of when you think of PTSD, right? But that trauma led to some deep unresolved issues that built up. I cut because I didn't understand or know how to cope with my very strong emotions and reactions. Cutting was a release. It calmed me down. I've always been good at dealing with pain, so I'd cut over and over again until the stress of a situation had passed. I used cutting as a guilt trip, to my poor father if I didn't get my way, and to myself. School was never my thing and though I'm very social and love to learn, I never did the work, so I'd get in trouble and I'd cut more.

After a particularly devestating ending of a friendship, I lost it. When I cut, I use either a razor or a box cutter blade, cutting in "x"s. I very rarely do my arms or wrists, mostly my stomach, chest, hands, feet, and legs. Now my scars on my legs are so bad, I can't wear shorts. I live in a very hot climate and will suffer through the summer. But after cutting more and more deeply then i ever had, ruining my skin forever without the use of costemtic surgery, and my own father calling the police on me twice, i knew I had to stop. I am currently undergoing DBT therapy, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Though its original use was for people with borderline personality disorder ( which I have symptoms of, but am not diagnosed with), it is very effective for recovering self injurers. SELF INJURY IS ADDICTIVE AND NEEDS TO BE TREATED THE SAME WAY YOU WOULD TREAT A CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY. DBT is amazing and I have the greatest therapist to help me. I've been seeing psychiatrists and been on meds since I was 8, and this is the only thing that has really worked. I'm still on meds now, but in combination with the DBT, I feel so much more in control. If you are someone prone to violent fits of rage or sadness and nothing has worked, I highly suggest DBT and a therapist you are comfortable with. Y'all have to fit, or it won't work. You have to try, or it won't work. You may try and it doesn't work, but it's helped many, so it's worth a shot.

If anyone has questions about DBT, cutting, self injury, or anything, contact me. I'm not an expert, but I want to try and help as many people as i can who want it. I've got nothing to hide. Everyone has the strength to get over self injury if they want to. If you don't, that's fine. No judgement. We've all been there. Inner peace and self love to all of you.
Carodactyl11 Carodactyl11
May 8, 2012