I Have The Scars As A Reminder..

I can't say I had a bad childhood, I had a fantastic childhood..two loving parents, two sisters I got on with, happy friends, good at school.. I had a great childhood until I was 16..

I met my ex, he was abusive, and after a while, a way to deal with what I was going through - being abused and not talking to anyone about it.. I started to cut myself..

At first, I did three small cuts along the top of my forearm.. not thinking that people would see them. My mum saw them, and flipped out, couldn't understand why I had done it.. which is fair enough, because to this day, she still doesn't know I was abused..

She told me if she ever saw cuts on me again, she'd make me get help.. So after that, I was scared off cutting myself for a while..But then my ex continued to beat me..and the only way I felt I could deal with it, was to cut..

Now Im lucky.. none of my cuts were deep enough to leave scars, but I was ashamed of them, so I did the whole long sleeves and not wearing clothes that showed off my cuts.. I cut my tummy, my thighs, anywhere I could think, that wouldn't be seen..

If they were seen, I'd make up an excuse like I fell onto broken glass, or my cat scratched me, and it worked. While this was going on, I also suffered an eating disorder, and it was a horrible time in my life, one that I am definitely not proud of..

After a while, my ex and I broke up, and things got better..easier.. I met another guy, and we were together for three years, and in that time, I never felt the need to self harm again..

Then he cheated on me.. and that hit me hard, I thought this was the guy I was going to marry..and it was all blown to crap.. so I cut myself..six times, on my outer right thigh.. and those cuts, were deep enough to leave scars..

I have these scars, both physically and emotionally as a reminder of the person I used to be..and how far I've come and grown.. I am so much stronger now, I can't imagine myself ever self harming again..

I don't like it, when people either a) self harm for attention, and that is sad..but it happens, and b) when people assume you do it for attention..

Am I proud of what I've done..of course not.. I wish I could go back and change it all, but I made my choices and I am forced to live with them.. I never wanted any attention for my cuts, I just wanted to feel some form of release..

I hope my story can touch someone else who still is in this emotional hell.. as freaking clique as it sounds, it does get better and you are a stronger person for it :)

dirrtypunkrocker dirrtypunkrocker
18-21, F
1 Response Jun 27, 2012

"two loving parents, two sisters I got on with, happy friends, good at school." AND you couldn't tell at least ONE of them what was going on? I'd kill for that kind of family and friends AND tell them if anything of this sort even BEGINS to happen!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Your fault is forgetting who really cares about you and not seeking their help instead of silently bearing the abuse of someone who doesn't care about you at all. Next time don't bear such stuff in silence and start cutting again. Talk in confidence with someone you're close with, like your mom or your best friend. Please do it for your own sake...

I couldn't tell them because I felt ashamed.. lowest point of my life

But yeah, you're absolutely right, I have people I talk to now so I don't get back to that :)

I'm very glad to hear that :). Remember, the best counselors are your closest friends.