I Have The Scars As A Reminder..I can't say I had a bad childhood, I had a fantastic childhood..two loving parents, two sisters I got on with, happy friends, good at school.. I had a great childhood until I was 16..
I met my ex, he was abusive, and after a while, a way to deal with what I was going through - being abused and not talking to anyone about it.. I started to cut myself..
At first, I did three small cuts along the top of my forearm.. not thinking that people would see them. My mum saw them, and flipped out, couldn't understand why I had done it.. which is fair enough, because to this day, she still doesn't know I was abused..
She told me if she ever saw cuts on me again, she'd make me get help.. So after that, I was scared off cutting myself for a while..But then my ex continued to beat me..and the only way I felt I could deal with it, was to cut..
Now Im lucky.. none of my cuts were deep enough to leave scars, but I was ashamed of them, so I did the whole long sleeves and not wearing clothes that showed off my cuts.. I cut my tummy, my thighs, anywhere I could think, that wouldn't be seen..
If they were seen, I'd make up an excuse like I fell onto broken glass, or my cat scratched me, and it worked. While this was going on, I also suffered an eating disorder, and it was a horrible time in my life, one that I am definitely not proud of..
After a while, my ex and I broke up, and things got better..easier.. I met another guy, and we were together for three years, and in that time, I never felt the need to self harm again..
Then he cheated on me.. and that hit me hard, I thought this was the guy I was going to marry..and it was all blown to crap.. so I cut myself..six times, on my outer right thigh.. and those cuts, were deep enough to leave scars..
I have these scars, both physically and emotionally as a reminder of the person I used to be..and how far I've come and grown.. I am so much stronger now, I can't imagine myself ever self harming again..
I don't like it, when people either a) self harm for attention, and that is sad..but it happens, and b) when people assume you do it for attention..
Am I proud of what I've done..of course not.. I wish I could go back and change it all, but I made my choices and I am forced to live with them.. I never wanted any attention for my cuts, I just wanted to feel some form of release..
I hope my story can touch someone else who still is in this emotional hell.. as freaking clique as it sounds, it does get better and you are a stronger person for it :)
dirrtypunkrocker 18-21, F 1 Response 0 Jun 27, 2012