It All Gets Too Much

For years I've been the stem of many jokes, laughs and bullying. People going out of their way to make me feel like absolute rubbish. Calling me many, many names such as 'fat', 'shrek', 'pizza face', '*****', 'ugly', saying nasty things like 'you've got a forehead like a brick' that they know will upset me. Anything I did, it was never good enough. 'get a new skirt you nun' 'get your old skirt back you ****' it just never stopped. My dad and sister were much like them, calling me names constantly and having a go at me. I didn't exactly have a good track record with guys either, the first boy I 'went out with' got bet to go out with me to make himself and his friends laugh, of course, being only 12 i hadn't realised and became a laughing stock, the second boy I 'went out with' was new to school, we became friends and started talking quite quickly, he got the mick taken out of him all the time and I was the only person that stood up for him, we flirted a little and he asked me out, we met up out of school and everything was going fine until he, out of the blue, dumped me, and I got told he only went out with me to prove he's not gay. I was so angry I posted a facebook status and people told him what i'd written, his dad rung up the school and got me in trouble, this is where everything started. over the years I'd been to teachers about being bullied but they never did a thing, no matter what anybody said or did, it never warranted them getting in trouble so it just carried on. Soon after being dumped, everything began to get to me, everything anybody had said, everything that had happened, I knew I could talk to my best friend but I didn't want to upset her, so I decided to let my feelings out anyother way, I began to cut myself. A few of my friends had done it so I knew what to do. Every time I had a bath/shower, the razor became my best friend, the blood just felt like a release, the more there was the more relief I felt. As soon as I left the bath a huge feeling of guilt and disgust came over me, I'd bandage up my legs and try to pretend it hadn't happened. No-body knew, until I told my best friend, she was so so supportive, I couldn't have asked for anything more but she was going through a tough time herself. I was stupid, I sent her photos of everything, this made her a whole lot worse. I confided in a couple of other friends and my cousin, they were there for me, helped me, but i didn't want to hurt anyone, so I carried on hurting myself, not just with razors but it moved onto broken plastic, which hurt even more. One day my DHoY asked me to come to her office at break, she took me to a woman who told me they'd had reports i was self-harming. I was forced to tell my parents, they were distraught. I got put into counselling and had regular check-ups with my DHoY. I was forced to stop cutting, but this wasn't too hard as I had so so so much more report, I could talk everything through instead of marking my skin with my emotions. Things did get worse when I accidently told a younger student I cut and she got caught trying to do it in a lesson, this girl just happened to be my ex's sister. I got in a lot of trouble and had my mentor status removed as i was deemed unacceptable to mentor. This killed me inside, I had to fight so hard to stop myself picking up the blade again. I had a lot of support but also people telling me it was all my fault and that i deserved it. I cried and cried and cried, it felt as though my life was over. It wasn't, through everything, the support i received from friends, family, teachers and counsellors pulled me through, I no longer cut but still have the scars to show for it, sometimes I'm close to cutting but I'm learning to talk things through instead. To anyone thinking about self-harming, all I can say is don't, it was the worst decision I've ever made. You scar your body and the reasons behind the scars can never leave you as they're always there, there's always someone there for you, you are NEVER alone! I'm here for you! I love you! If you want to hurt yourself, grab a rubber band and ping yourself, it hurts but doesn't scar. Things do get better, I promise!
loppawoppa loppawoppa
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

Congrats to you, stay strong.

thank you!!