I Don't Try to Hide the Scars

It was bad at one point I was cutting every day, it was such a joke. At first my parents or friends would ask what happened when they saw a new  bandage and I'd just say "I cut myself," like it was the most natural thing in the world, and they'd just remind me to be more careful and drop it. Admittedly, I was implying it was an accident but it wasn't a lie. After awhile I realized that eventually they'd catch on so I moved to less obvious places. I think the worst was when I had to get 7 stitches, I wasn't as in control as I should've been and had no business cutting in that frame of mind but I needed the release. Up to that point  I only cut when I had to and then I was very calm and methodical about it and made sure I was careful. Contrary to what people think it's not about suicide, and from what I understand from others most of the time it never is. For me it wasn't even about pain, in all honesty, getting the shot with the drugs to numb me for the stitches hurt more. I don't know if it was adrenaline or what but I never hurt myself.

I'd stopped for a very long time close to 5 years I think but now things are going nuts again. I've never tried to hide my scars, it's never been an issue, everyone knows there was a car accident the night I did the worst of it so the unimportant people are just told, "I was in a car accident." Again not a lie, but the whole truth is none of their business. The issue I'm having now is hiding new cuts from my kid. She's almost a teenager and pretty much knows where all of the old ones are located and we tend to hang out in our undies when we're home alone so I have to try to either go between the ones I already have or not cut deep enough to leave a scar. We're getting a new kitten soon, so when he comes home that'll be excuse enough.

It's funny how that works, once I'd quit I thought this was all behind me.

GypsyEyes GypsyEyes
1 Response Mar 16, 2009

i say you create a support group with those that are closest to you, that way you cant talk to them when you feel like this. and they can help you. I think its so important that you stop, especially as you have a teenage daughter, if she knew you were still doing this, she would be hurt, i think you need to try and put her feelings above yours on this one.