Cocaine Is My EnemyCocaine Is My Enemy
I am a 'normal' person, to the outside world I am a mother of two children, a wife, a homemaker, and go about life in a 'normal' way, however most of my outside world know nothing of my cocaine addiction. I have been using for about 7 or 8 years. I remember the first time I used like it was yesterday, an ex boyfriend introduced me to it. I was not someone who took drugs, I was a 'plain Jane' if you like, but once I tried it, there was no going back. The boyfriend had lots of money, he paid for it all the time, I asked for more and more. We split, I moved back to my home town, into my parents house. I knew one friend who could score for me, so I'd sit in my bedroom at night while my parents and brother were asleep and use, I'd be up all night! Once i did two nights in a row and was so physically sick afterwards. Every time I feel that bad I'd say never again. I wasn't working, my credit card bill was going up.
I then met a man who is now my husband. In the early days of our relationship we use together, sometimes we would just have one line, and walk away, we were in control, it was fun, we were dating, it wasn't a problem (yeah right!). But this slowly progressed into using 5 times a week. This went on for nearly two years before getting married, we used on our wedding day and were so 'done in' we went to bed before 10pm, missing most of my wedding night. I didn't know I was actually pregnant on my wedding day. One night whilst pregnant my husband wanted to get himself some coke, I can't tell you how badly they churned my guts, I was so cross with him at the thought of getting it and me watching him take it whilst I couldn't, i called him all the names under the sun was so so angry. that night i had one line, it was an amazing hit, but I felt so wrong in other ways.
Whilst pregnant I thought about coke everyday, it made me so cross I couldn't have it! Once my baby was born, I did actually last a good few months without using, but then even though we had a baby, using became a regular again, anything from once to five times a week. Two years later my second daughter was born, this time I had no coke at all whilst pregnant - i lasted 5 days after she was born before I used again.
The sad thing is for years, when we take coke all we do is sit at home, we can't go out because the children are in bed asleep! We play computers games, we don't say one word to each other, we are self adsorbed into the dirty habit.
over the last few years we have racked up £1000's in debt, we are now on our last chance, we can't rack up the credit cards anymore or we'll go under and then my family will find out my dirty little secret. this cannot happen, they will disown me without question and my kids will be taken away.
I have used when my children have been ill in bed, I have used in front of them. I am a bad bad person for this, and now at almost 36 years old have had enough, I want out of the hell hole, but I don't know how. People say if you want to change your addiction you need to make changes in your life, I normally use on a Friday night, but how I can change what I do, I have children to babysit, I can't go out to change my routine!
But the other reason I know now is the time I have to stop is because I can actually feel physical things happening to me, I am constantly tired, I shout at my kids a lot, i have no motivation to do anything, I get chest pains, get anxiety attacks, I've convinced myself I am killing myself and will die any minute now. I have a terribly memory, sometimes I can't talk normally, can't get my words out - and that is in a sober state!
I've had enough, I want to get away, I want to know I can get through this but I have no idea how. I also want my husband to give up with me, but when one of us wants it the other always gives in. I've heard all too often a relationship can't survive if you're both using, I can't lose my husband but I need to know we have more to our lives than just coke.
I am going to use this site as my diary, my support on how I'm feeling on this journey on giving up the enemy.