Cocaine Is My Enemy

Cocaine Is My Enemy

I am a 'normal' person, to the outside world I am a mother of two children, a wife, a homemaker, and go about life in a 'normal' way, however most of my outside world know nothing of my cocaine addiction. I have been using for about 7 or 8 years. I remember the first time I used like it was yesterday, an ex boyfriend introduced me to it. I was not someone who took drugs, I was a 'plain Jane' if you like, but once I tried it, there was no going back. The boyfriend had lots of money, he paid for it all the time, I asked for more and more. We split, I moved back to my home town, into my parents house. I knew one friend who could score for me, so I'd sit in my bedroom at night while my parents and brother were asleep and use, I'd be up all night! Once i did two nights in a row and was so physically sick afterwards. Every time I feel that bad I'd say never again. I wasn't working, my credit card bill was going up.

I then met a man who is now my husband. In the early days of our relationship we use together, sometimes we would just have one line, and walk away, we were in control, it was fun, we were dating, it wasn't a problem (yeah right!). But this slowly progressed into using 5 times a week. This went on for nearly two years before getting married, we used on our wedding day and were so 'done in' we went to bed before 10pm, missing most of my wedding night. I didn't know I was actually pregnant on my wedding day. One night whilst pregnant my husband wanted to get himself some coke, I can't tell you how badly they churned my guts, I was so cross with him at the thought of getting it and me watching him take it whilst I couldn't, i called him all the names under the sun was so so angry. that night i had one line, it was an amazing hit, but I felt so wrong in other ways.

Whilst pregnant I thought about coke everyday, it made me so cross I couldn't have it! Once my baby was born, I did actually last a good few months without using, but then even though we had a baby, using became a regular again, anything from once to five times a week. Two years later my second daughter was born, this time I had no coke at all whilst pregnant - i lasted 5 days after she was born before I used again.

The sad thing is for years, when we take coke all we do is sit at home, we can't go out because the children are in bed asleep! We play computers games, we don't say one word to each other, we are self adsorbed into the dirty habit.

over the last few years we have racked up £1000's in debt, we are now on our last chance, we can't rack up the credit cards anymore or we'll go under and then my family will find out my dirty little secret. this cannot happen, they will disown me without question and my kids will be taken away.

I have used when my children have been ill in bed, I have used in front of them. I am a bad bad person for this, and now at almost 36 years old have had enough, I want out of the hell hole, but I don't know how. People say if you want to change your addiction you need to make changes in your life, I normally use on a Friday night, but how I can change what I do, I have children to babysit, I can't go out to change my routine!

But the other reason I know now is the time I have to stop is because I can actually feel physical things happening to me, I am constantly tired, I shout at my kids a lot, i have no motivation to do anything, I get chest pains, get anxiety attacks, I've convinced myself I am killing myself and will die any minute now. I have a terribly memory, sometimes I can't talk normally, can't get my words out - and that is in a sober state!

I've had enough, I want to get away, I want to know I can get through this but I have no idea how. I also want my husband to give up with me, but when one of us wants it the other always gives in. I've heard all too often a relationship can't survive if you're both using, I can't lose my husband but I need to know we have more to our lives than just coke.

I am going to use this site as my diary, my support on how I'm feeling on this journey on giving up the enemy.
31-35, F
5 Responses Jan 29, 2013

i m so sorry for you, i have no advice to give .
but i hope i wt get there, i have been taking coke for almost a year with my boyfriend, but we take a gram and a half in a day( 1 day each month) and the hole month we don't do it, i m always having this urgent to get more and more but thanks for god he's the one holding me back.
i was just about to go to the dealer and get some u made me take a step back.
thank you for charing your story.
good luck

Oh yeah...cocaine. That wonderful white powder that upon that pinch of the needle causes your thoughts to race but paradoxically, your body to relax right before you feel that rush going to your head.

Why'd you ever quit using again? I forget.

Makes you want to blow a guy, doesn't it.

When I read your story I had to step away from my computer and breathe because it hit so close to home. I'm a recovering addict and cocaine and alcohol were my drug of choice. I am also a mother and a wife and my husband watched me suffer from this addiction for years until I found the strength to get clean. I am clean now but addiction still lives in my shadows. It's an everyday struggle but there are so many reasons to not use. I would like to speak with you more if you're interested in developing a discreet online friendship. I understand what you're going through and this is not an easy addiction to kick. I'm here for your support if you want it. God Bless!

You and your husband need help. You are not a bad person. Addiction is a DISEASE and you need to treat it as such. The first step is to detox, and many people are unsuccessful in doing this by themselves because when you are in active addiction it is impossible to convince yourself not to use. Once you are detoxed and in recovery, the choice becomes easier. I know you have had sober time in the past, but it was not recovery. It is different in recovery, I promise. You need to do this for YOU. Not for your husband, your children, or your family. You need to do it because you love yourself and you want to see your children grow up. To be there to see them at all their important milestones and to do the little things like laugh with them, help them with their problems, hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them.

I know everything seems hopeless right now. I have been there and I know exactly what you are feeling. You need to find a detox center (I live in Canada and it is free to go into detox here) and do an intake with them over the phone, then SHOW UP on the day/time they tell you to. It is going to suck but you WILL get through it, and they are there to HELP you through it. It will be thr first day of the rest of your life, and that is exciting!

I know you're thinking you can't go to detox because you can't have anyone know your secret. That is the disease talking, secrets keep you sick. You need to tell people so that they can be there to support you in your sobriety. If you continue to live the way you are living there's a very strong possibility that your marriage will fail and your will LOSE your children. You will NOT lose your children because you are trying to do the right thing by helping yourself.

I suggest in the mean time you do as much reading about addiction as possible. It is a very complex matter that the majority of the population is entirely ignorant about. The more knowledge you have about your disease, the

You can't do this alone, but NOBODY else can do it for you. You need to be the one to take the FIRST step and tell your family/friends that you have a problem and you have called the detox and are going in on X day at X time. Also, please tell your husband of your plans and URGE him STRONGLY to do the SAME. You cannot live with someone who is using and have a healthy recovery from addiction, it just doesn't work. You've both suffered in silence long enough. There is hope for you and anyone else with this disease, even though you do not feel it now, you will feel it very strongly soon enough. I promise you that.

Good luck and God bless you.

I'm rooting for you. I too know how it feels to be in deep with coke. It's not going to be easy but I promise you it is possible to get through. Just keep wanting and believing you will quit without doubting yourself , even if you "slip up". I'm still pushing through sobriety day by day and I'm cheering you on (: