Started In Grade 2 Or 3 After Friend Suicided

i missed heaps of school - i was being sexually abused and only man that ever showed any love and affection for me committed suicide. his name was werner H. he was a german man. it was october 1977-78??? i got very depressed.

my marks started failing, i was a bed wetter and was very nervous all the time- i'd shake and be paniced in class, walking to school, fearful of being abducted, or lost again, and hurt. i had to repeat a class cuz i just wasn't learning fast enough.

my great uncle was sexually assaulting me on a daily basis and sometimes physically violent.

i never slept properly after my friend suicided and a house nearby was torched i was fearful of another house fire like we'd had at my grandmothers

some teachers used to bully me and one day i wet my pants cuz they wouldn't let me go to the toilet. i was hit in the head by a cricket ball and became so distressed, i would cry and hate my mum to leave me.  the teachers were so nasty.  they'd threaten to bash us in class and hit kids or cane them for minor things, by todays standards.

after grade 4 i went to a catholic girls school it was strict.  i liked it more cuz the christain values were good, but some girls were complete snobs, and it took a while to fit in, i was behind in maths and music compared to the others. i wasn't a swimmer and had to learn. i hadn't had communion like all the other girls, and no one told me that i couldn't go to have it.  and the girls were complete smug *******, it got worse by high school really they just more and more snobby and arrogant, we were so poor - and when my father became unemployed i didn't want to stay here and be a begger so i left- i can't say it was all a bad thing.  the whole time i was there i only made a few friends but my home life was hell, being sexually abused and it was completely exhausting trying to cover it up all the time.  i hated myself and often felt suicidal.  the last straw was being bashed at school by a older student and she pulled my hair and got her friends to gang up on me, i don't know why but she told the teachers i said they had scabbies or something- which i never did, and wouldn't have done such a thing so shallow.  i was very sensative and often went to talk to school counsellors as i was so mixed up. i made my mum take me to a psychiatrist and was feeling so picked on after being bashed i would become delusional, hide away and less communicative and would escape into fantasy, i got so traumatized one day i just lost it and thrashed my room throw things around and ripped up posters and sheets and books, and tried to cut myself.  i wasn't sleeping well, and our family friends - family of suicided father-often came over and would be party drinking all night talk talk talk.  and by the second or third night i'd feel like my head was swimming and thinking crazy stuff. like my thoughts just didn;t make normal sense.

i used to feel so embarrassed about all the time i had off school, the teachers didn't like me and probably thought i was spastic and a real looser,

they'd never believed i would have gotten into law school that's for sure.  i did home distance study and loved it and it may have taken longer but i past stuff like advanced maths, business principles, etc and i used to see kids bully and stop kids from doing there work - later I did music lessons and did an adult tertiary program at tafe and loved it. did drama, history, legal studies, media studies, and language.

i wish now i'd done more science but I didn't think I was clever enough but i liked humanities and legal .

later I went to uni and i did very well in political and media, sociology and philosphy areas - I had been interested in media and journalism but after not getting the relationship I wanted I left and worked for a while in a hotel and later went back to do a double degree in arts/laws i wanted to be a lawyer and specialise in media or poltical or trade laws.  but things broke down when my sister ended up in a mental institution and i looked after her little boy on and off.  my absentee-ism plagued me even at uni- i missed tuts and lectures, but i attended the major part of them. the whole time i was being stalked, heaps of people trying to break and enter the house and my uncle started sexually assaulting me.  my confidence went right down to a big low- I started seeing a therapist again but it wasn't helping-  the whole time i was having panic attacks and an anxiety disorder that was driving me mental.  I 'd get so paniced over rape cases and child abuse, in legal subjects - i would shake constantly in class and dread being asked questions- by the time it would get to the person next to me I 'd be shaking and so paniced thinking "so **** its my turn next to speak- don't say anything stupid like you always do you retard" I had very low self esteme my while life. then I was assaulted again and bashed and i failed uni and left, after the rape and the stroke it changed everything.  I have never felt positive since. my life seem a waste and I feel so down on myself for not being a stronger person and cope with it all- i went to support groups and therapy and it helps sometimes.  i want to make my life better and improve it. I want to be proud of some acheivements in my life before i die.

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 6, 2010

I have never seen a more deeper and psychological story than yours.You are truly unique and i bet you feel more relieved after you've wrote this story.<br />
I've found parts of myself in this confession except the facts with the sexual abuse&co...