I Met Ep Boyfriend And Learned Something About Myself...Nothing hurts me more than secrets and lies.
He came here to see me. He said that his traveling to be here should have shown me that he loves me and cares for me. But never did he hold my face in his hands, look in my eyes and say "I love you."
I wasn't supposed to expect that, but I had hoped for it. He knew that.
He was kind. He was not rude. He was fun to be with. He was special to me. I looked into his eyes and if he didn't feel what was in my heart, then he was not human. It was up to him to accept the gift of my heart and he chose not to.
I'm not his everything. I'm not his heart's desire. Someone else is. And it was clear as I watched the faroff look in his eyes as he longed for her. I watched him take a picture of the cherry blossom trees. I noticed that faroff look in his eyes with the camera click. Asking me to stand by the trees was the furthest thing from his mind. I knew that if she were with him, his first thought would be to have her pose for him by those beautiful trees.
Not me. He didn't know how loud his actions and unspoken words kept saying: "You're not it for me. You're not the one. I don't love you that way."
Every little moment of the five days we spent together. Only a few said to me "I enjoy you. You are a good friend that I like to have sex with. But she's still at the top of my heart."
How very sad that I flew in a man who only kinda loves me as a good friend. How sad and pathetic was I to lay on the bed naked while he had his back turned towards me checking for messages from her. How pathetic of me to be the liar and the cheater.... the very thing I despise and loathe more than anything. I hated myself that very minute for what I was doing and for what it wasn't worth. When I fell asleep, I was awakened by the typing/chatting on the computer. When I rolled over, he turned his laptop away so I couldn't see.
It was that little moment, that quick motion of hiding his laptop screen from me, that reminded me of all the years that I'd walk into the office at home and my husband would quickly shut down his screen. And how I later found chats of him telling some other girl how he despised me. In that little moment, all that pain flooded back. Wondering what it was that he didn't want me to know.
That is the moment I knew that EP boyfriend never was and never will be my soul mate. I had to hide my tears. The only place I could find was the shower. I practically ran to the shower. It was something I did for 13 years of my marriage.
I realized that being in person with EP boyfriend was no different than the long distance experience.
Secrets and lies hurt. They hurt more than words can say. They cut deeper... like a sword plunging into the chest from the front and straight out the back.
I've learned something very important about myself... the only good that has come of this.... and that is the fact that I value honesty and sharing everything with each other more than any other thing in a relationship. The thing that I'm going to keep telliing myself as I let go of EP boyfriend forever... is that soul mates don't keep secrets from each other.
That is all. It is simple... but more important than anything else.
lisa36 36-40, F 13 Responses 12 May 16, 2011