I Shouldn't Have Stayed ...i Can't Get Over What He Did To Me.

I've been witht the same man since I was 13 years old...I was abused and tortured by my father so I never knew what a normal realationship should be, I also knew I never wanted to be in one. When I was 13 I met a boy who wouldn't go away and kept promising me fantasies, I didn't know him very well. When he was thrown out of his home my mother took him in and basically gave me away to him, telling me" this is your husband now ...grow up take care of yourself, your an adult" I was 14. I didn't want him there I didn't want a boyfriend. As time went on I settled in to having him live there and we became "boyfriend/girlfriend". My mother had basically left at this point and my father was an abusive alcoholic so I stayed with this boy. For years we lived at my partents house (with absent abusive parents when they were around) we were children so we had no money  and would steal things to survive , food, clothes, basic things you need to live This went on until at 18 my father finally died and I felt I no longer had to stay around for my mother's safety, so after a couple years we got our own place. I started to feel less afraid of loving someone and I began to believe him and I thought maybe we do have a future, but after a while I started to notice things about him....he would lie about everything and anything...I would talk with him and beg him to please stop lying ...having been abused for so many years I couldn't take this, but he didn't stop. After a couple more years he started acting really weird and becoming abusive. One day I found a cellphone bill with a number I had never seen before...so I called it, sure enough a girl anwered she was a prostitute he had met and he'd been seeing her and paying her to do things all kinds of things.  When I confronted him he said she was a friend and that he wanted to move out and had already got apartment and was leaving with no further contact to me, he would also tell me about a girl from his work that he kinda saw for a while. All the while claiming to have NEVER HAD SEX with either of them... sure. I felt like I was going to die. I had no education past the 7th grade and no family who cared about me, when I tried to tell my mom she didn't really care. I cried and took pills and drank day after day to not feel anything, After a while he said he still loved me and was sorry and explained to me that this was all my fault I wasn't open enough and didn't try hard enough to make him happy. I was stupid. I stayed. He went on to get a good job and I was basically comatose. We saw a conselor for a couple years who told me I shouldn't leave I wasn't stable enough to be on my own and that he was truly sorry. I was around 22 by this point, But I wasn't as sad as before I had gotton a job as a front desk clerk at a retirement home and started being more social and making friends...more independant. Suddenly my "husband" decided it was time to move out of state, I gave up again ...didn't care I was only hurting myself anyway I thought. So we moved and I became severely depressed and developed and eating disorder. I lost alot of weight and looked completely different. He started treating me better ...this made me sick.  At a work party of his I met a guy (who I still think about to this day) We got along great he liked all the same things I did and spoke to me with respect and even admiration, but I didn't act on anyting I was afraid by this point I was terrified of men. This person moved on. I on the other hand got pregnant...after years of being told by several doctors I can never have children. I now have 2 kids with a man I don't really know even after all these years I still don't know what hes done...hes lied so many times, there have been so many stories. I give up I am 29 years old now, I have wasted almost half my life with a man who has hurt me so badly and desrtoyed my mind so badly I couldn't tell you which way was up or down anymore. He has a good job, we live in a nice house, all traces of our past have been erased. If I tried to leave, if I told someone about him what hes capable of no one would ever believe me. I never got over the things hes done to me. I hurt everyday. I should have left while I still could.
CeciliaBdoomed CeciliaBdoomed
26-30
2 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Thank You for your support..I'm trying to hang on to myself. :)

I feel your pain, you have been through a lot. I dont know why its so hard for us to leave. It's kinda of like you guys grew up together. It sounds like he was very immature and maybe he is now a mature man. It takes a long time sometimes for men to grow up. Maybe this is the reason you are still there. I think that you should get some counseling from a good sound therapist to help youe through. Pray to God and ask for his help and he will guide you into what decision you need to make. Just pray to God and ask him what is really going on and he will let you see everything