I married a man that I thought would be faithful to me until the end of time. All of my friends said that of all the men out there, he would never cheat on me. I believed that and I believed in our love and the stability of our relationship. Well.....I guess you can say all good things come to an end.
My world crumbled around me almost 8 years ago...with those 7 little words "I'm sorry honey I cheated on you". I never expected to hear those words ever come out of his mouth. Especially with a collect call from jail! Yes, you read that right!!! He flew out of town for the weeked. Then monday morning as I was about to leave to pick him up from the airport, I got a collect phone call. When the operator was asking me to accept the charges from some county jail I was thinking it was a wrong number...until I heard my husband's voice. I was so confused.....jail? Why the hell was he in jail? All I knew is that he flew to Colorado for the weekend (after borrowing $500 from my mother for his plane ticket) to see the grave of an old high school buddy so he could get closure. (That's how he put it) And then he spoke those dreaded 7 little words to me "I'm sorry honey I cheated on you". My knees went weak...I thought I was going to throw up...and I kept repeating over and over "what?....what?". I was in complete shock and I was trying to register what he was telling me. So if he cheated on me why was he in jail? Well, he was in jail for being accused of rape!!! The girl he cheated with was in the military and also married. So she told her husband that she was raped!!! (He had sex with her but he didn't rape her. The charges were dismissed after 8 months of living in limbo. Apparently she had five different stories of what happened.)
My husband stayed in jail for a week. I was so devastated I could barely function. My mother had our son stay with her during that time because I was just mush. She was wonderful and paid for his lawyer's retainer fee and for the bondsman for his bail. Honestly I wasn't ready for him to come home. I was very pissed off at him and more pissed off that I had to call and find him a lawyer, a bail bondsman, call his job and explain what happened and all the other stuff I had to do for him. I wanted to change the locks, rip his clothes up and torch them in the front yard. Then tell him to go to hell!!!
My husband called me whenever he was permitted to. During that week he opened up to me more than he had in a long time. (He closed himself off to me emotionally a few years before after he witnessed a coworker shot and killed in front of him.) The pain I felt during that week of finding out about his infidelities was excruciating. Now not only was I trying to cope with this affair gone bad...but a confession about another affair two years into the marriage was almost too much to handle! He told me that he was having an online and over the phone affair for 4 months with this girl he met in a chatroom. Nice!!! He said he had to know if it was "real" with her and that's why he went to Colorado to see her. I knew something was up during those months because he totally cut himself off from me emotionally and physically. He was mean and verbally abusive....I could go on and on. I thought I was living in hell. I didn't know why this was happening to us. All I knew was that I was lonely, very neglected and completely mistreated. He didn't have sex with me at all during those 4 months. In fact he told me they made a pact with each other not to have sex with their spouses. Nice again...huh!!! One night in bed I was starving for attention from him so much that I rolled over to just hug him. I missed him so much! He pushed me off of him without saying a word and I just rolled back over and cried myself to sleep. What kind of person lets you cry next to them without even trying to comfort you? What a complete ***!
I paid the bondsman and he got released from jail later that week. I had mixed emotions when I saw him exiting the plane. I still loved him (at that time) but I was filled with anger and hurting more than I'd wish on anyone. When he walked towards me I was disgusted to look at him and didn't even want him to touch me. He grabbed me and forced me to hug him while telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. All that did was make me angrier. Sure, he gets to hug me when he was needing it, but when I needed to hug him he pushed me away. Again, what an ***...a selfish ***. How the hell can you love someone yet have sex with someone else? Make plans for the future with them? Talk about having a baby with them? Window shop for wedding rings for them? Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that she asked him to marry her and he said yes? The list goes on and on.
I've had much time to heal and go thru the motions during these almost 8 years. From marriage counseling to now getting divorced. I realized after 3 years into the healing process that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He killed my love for him. I've heard of other women that have gone on with their marriages after an affair and they're happy as can be now. I was hoping that for us when we were in counseling. I just wanted to be a happy family. I did forgive him...but I could never look at him the same way again. Like he was tarnished. I kept hoping that I would feel in love with him again. It just never happened. It took me a few years after that realization that I was done and wanted a divorce. I wasn't happy anymore and I wanted to be happy. So why did I stay almost 8 years after the affair? I'm not really sure myself. Mostly I think it was because of our son. I also think that since I knew him half of my life, there was a certain comfort level and I was scared to leave.
We've been separated now for almost two years and going thru a divorce. I've changed alot.....and for the better. I'm a different and more independent woman. Like how I was before I married him. It feels so good...like I have my life back. I feel like I can breathe again. Strangely I want to thank him. Because I am who I am now because of what I went thru. It is true that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I can testify to that!!! Because no matter what it is you will get thru it! I am now engaged to a wonderful and loving man. Someone who cherishes me like I've never been cherished before....and that feels so good!