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Getting Cheated On Changed My Life

I married a man that I thought would be faithful to me until the end of time. All of my friends said that of all the men out there, he would never cheat on me.  I believed that and I believed in our love and the stability of our relationship.  Well.....I guess you can say all good things come to an end. 

My world crumbled around me almost 8 years ago...with those 7 little words "I'm sorry honey I cheated on you".  I never expected to hear those words ever come out of his mouth.  Especially with a collect call from jail!  Yes, you read that right!!!  He flew out of town for the weeked.  Then monday morning as I was about to leave to pick him up from the airport, I got a collect phone call.  When the operator was asking me to accept the charges from some county jail I was thinking it was a wrong number...until I heard my husband's voice.  I was so confused.....jail?  Why the hell was he in jail?  All I knew is that he flew to Colorado for the weekend (after borrowing $500 from my mother for his plane ticket) to see the grave of an old high school buddy so he could get closure. (That's how he put it) And then he spoke those dreaded 7 little words to me "I'm sorry honey I cheated on you".  My knees went weak...I thought I was going to throw up...and I kept repeating over and over "what?....what?".  I was in complete shock and I was trying to register what he was telling me.  So if he cheated on me why was he in jail?  Well, he was in jail for being accused of rape!!!  The girl he cheated with was in the military and also married.  So she told her husband that she was raped!!!  (He had sex with her  but he didn't rape her.  The charges were dismissed after 8 months of living in limbo.  Apparently she had five different stories of what happened.)

My husband stayed in jail for a week.  I was so devastated I could barely function.  My mother had our son stay with her during that time because I was just mush.  She was wonderful and paid for his lawyer's retainer fee and for the bondsman for his bail.  Honestly I wasn't ready for him to come home.  I was very pissed off at him and more pissed off that I had to call and find him a lawyer, a bail bondsman, call his job and explain what happened and all the other stuff I had to do for him.  I wanted to change the locks, rip his clothes up and torch them in the front yard. Then tell him to go to hell!!! 

My husband called me whenever he was permitted to.  During that week he opened up to me more than he had in a long time.  (He closed himself off to me emotionally a few years before after he witnessed a coworker shot and killed in front of him.)  The pain I felt during that week of finding out about his infidelities was excruciating.  Now not only was I trying to cope with this affair gone bad...but a confession about another affair two years into the marriage was almost too much to handle!  He told me that he was having an online and over the phone affair for 4 months with this girl he met in a chatroom. Nice!!!  He said he had to know if it was "real" with her and that's why he went to Colorado to see her.  I knew something was up during those months because he totally cut himself off from me emotionally and physically.  He was mean and verbally abusive....I could go on and on.  I thought I was living in hell.  I didn't know why this was happening to us.  All I knew was that I was lonely, very neglected and completely mistreated.  He didn't have sex with me at all during those 4 months.  In fact he told me they made a pact with each other not to have sex with their spouses.  Nice again...huh!!!  One night in bed I was starving for attention from him so much that I rolled over to just hug him.  I missed him so much!  He pushed me off of him without saying a word and I just rolled back over and cried myself to sleep.  What kind of person lets you cry next to them without even trying to comfort you?  What a complete ***! 

I paid the bondsman and he got released from jail later that week.  I had mixed emotions when I saw him exiting the plane.  I still loved him (at that time) but I was filled with anger and hurting more than I'd wish on anyone.  When he walked towards me I was disgusted to look at him and didn't even want him to touch me.  He grabbed me and forced me to hug him while telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me.  All that did was make me angrier.  Sure, he gets to hug me when he was needing it, but when I needed to hug him he pushed me away.  Again, what an ***...a selfish ***.  How the hell can you love someone yet have sex with someone else?  Make plans for the future with them?  Talk about having a baby with them?  Window shop for wedding rings for them?  Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that she asked him to marry her and he said yes?   The list goes on and on.

I've had much time to heal and go thru the motions during these almost 8 years.  From marriage counseling to now getting divorced.  I realized after 3 years into the healing process that I wasn't in love with him anymore.  He killed my love for him.  I've heard of other women that have gone on with their marriages after an affair and they're happy as can be now.  I was hoping that for us when we were in counseling.  I just wanted to be a happy family.  I did forgive him...but I could never look at him the same way again.  Like he was tarnished.  I kept hoping that I would feel in love with him again.  It just never happened.  It took me a few years after that realization that I was done and wanted a divorce.  I wasn't happy anymore and I wanted to be happy.  So why did I stay almost 8 years after the affair?  I'm not really sure myself.  Mostly I think it was because of our son.  I also think that since I knew him half of my life, there was a certain comfort level and I was scared to leave. 

We've been separated now for almost two years and going thru a divorce.  I've changed alot.....and for the better.  I'm a different and more independent woman.  Like how I was before I married him.  It feels so good...like I have my life back.   I feel like I can breathe again.  Strangely I want to thank him.  Because I am who I am now because of what I went thru.  It is true that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I can testify to that!!!  Because no matter what it is you will get thru it!  I am now engaged to a wonderful and loving man.  Someone who cherishes me like I've never been cherished before....and that feels so good!

PrincessT PrincessT 41-45, F 13 Responses Mar 15, 2008

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I am Elizabeth from Texas i want to share a testimony of my life to everyone. i was married to my husband Marc Andrew jr, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he met a lady called Michelle, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seek help, i didn't know what to do until I met my friend Nina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Prophet Alamin who did wonders on her ex and brought him back to her after 3days. Nina ask me to contact Prophet Alamin, so i contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two days my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great prophet did for me and my husband, you can contact Prophet Alamin on any problem. He is a very nice man, here is his contact detail prophetalamin@outlook.com. He is the best prophet as far as i am concerned

Congrats for leaving him! I feel you so much - it just hurt my heart to read the part where he pushed you away and wouldn't even hug you. I went through almost the exact thing, I would try to snuggle every night for over a year & my ex would push me away and mumble about needing space and feeling crowded. And I, pathetically enough, would wait until they fell asleep and then sneak in and cuddle. And if I didn't wake up first, every morning I would get shoved away with an expression of disgust. This from a partner of over 12 years, we'd been through everything together and had so many adventures. And then we broke up & got divorced and I get the "I screwed up please let's at least be friends" speech. Oh h*ll no! Not happening. Even "pathetic" little me has my limits! So anyway my heart goes out to you on this one & if you want to vent or chat, PM me.

I KNOW HOW U FELL IT'S BEEN 3 YEARS AND I HURT SO BAD STILL TODAY ALL THE THING'S I'VE THROUGH WITH HIM AND HIS SICKNESS AND U DO ME LIKE THIS.I LOVE HIM BUT NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANY LONGER.

I have been cheated on 3 times that i know of from my husband. he cheated on me 2 times before we were married and one time five months after we were married. i did not know that he ever cheated on me at all until one night on of his best friend girl friend gave me all three storys. its been one year now and im still hurting like it happened yesterday. i still love him and i am trying to work it out but i have became very insecure and controlling. Now we argue more than ever and we are porb on the verge of getting a divorce because hes tired of me looking through his phone and chats i just cant help it im losts scard and hurt. GOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR NEW MAN I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING WORKS OUT GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS.

i completely respect how you were able to be strong and stand up for yourself despite the love and devotion you still had to your husband. it is so hard to learn how to trust again after something so devastating rips between two people. especially for us women, who feel such pain in the very core of our being. the betrayal of the men we love against us puts words and ideas into our hearts and minds that somehow, we are not good enough. that we are not pretty enough or hard-working enough or giving enough otherwise the relationship would work. This past December i found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me with my cousin three time. The both say they did not have sex, but i still have my doubts about that. I really struggled with those self-destructive thoughts, and only through the grace of God did i make it through that time. And i can say that my boyfriend and i decided to seek help and work it out. Its not easy of course, i keep feeling depression about it and remembering the day i found out and the heartbreak i endured. So if i have a message out there for all you ladies who have been betrayed by the men then love, it would be not to give into self-hatred or blaming yourself for what happened. Be strong in who you are and what you believe in, and know that even though the pain may be the worst you ever felt in your life, you can and will make it through the difficult times, and you will come out a much stronger and solid person because of it, just as the author of the post above did. Even if you have to stand on your own two feet and walk away from the man you love so that you can live, know that we as women have a special kind of strength to persevere even through the most emotionally challenging situations.

Well, it's 2011 now, and I find help in your story here while trying to deal w a (much smaller) but similar (and relationship-ending) betrayal of my own here, and a lifetime of these patterns happening to me (this time even the names are almost exactly the same, which is weird, haunting and dismaying to me)... thanks a million for sharing... I must say, however, that I'd have left that hubby of yours in jail as long as possible if I'd have been clear-thinking enough at that time! ;) Bless you and yours, and hope the man you're with now still cherishes you, strong lady -- cherish, loyalty and honesty are what it's all about in my book.

wow..thank you for expressing your honesty. I feel like a new woman after reading your article. I have come a long way after finding out 6 months ago from my husband that he's in love with another woman and has a great sex life with her. He tells me that I was never the woman he wanted to marry. This is after 6 years of our marriage and having a 3 year old son together. At the same time, he talks about not wanting to let me go as I hold a special place in his heart. I am determined to move on but scared to death of having this repeated to me. Where can I start to put this behind me? We are still living together.

This is how it should go. Have someone watch your child. Tell him to sit...you stay standing (more powerful standing over someone, and you will think clearer and faster ON YOU FEET) Don't cry, don't tremble, and don't look down. Stand four feet away from him, and tell him not to speak until your done. All of this might have to be rehearse over and over till you know this cold, and with steel confidence. So here goes...say this word for word. "TODAY IS YOUR LAST DAY MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FOOL. TODAY IS THE LAST DAY I WILL ALLOW YOU TO ROB ME OF MY LIFE AND MY SANITY. TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING UNDER MY ROOF. YOU DIDN'T JUST BETRAY ME, YOU BETRAYED OUR SON, AND EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER BELIEVED IN. TODAY I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE AND MY SELF RESPECT THAT YOU SO EASILY CRAPPED ON. TODAY I MADE MY PEACE WITH MY GOD, AND WHAT I AM DOING IS JUST AND FAIR. Okay so you did the speech....have keys and purse ready, he will run after you to talk....refuse keep walking...you have said all that needs to be said. Here's your final choice...bring friends and family back to the house JUST so he can get his stuff. OR you walk out with the clothes on your back. Your needs will be met, either through social services, friends or family. YOU and YOUR son are worth more than a single item in that house. You and will rebuild, I promise....I was in your shoes many years ago. The victory was mine in the end. 12 months later, I shook my head....what the hell took me so long....I push bad away, to invite good in. We could not be happier

I just found out a month ago that my husband of 31 years, and 11 months cheated on me. I am devestated, and still cry and cannot seem to stop. It is all I can do to go to work and come home and I am also a student at night 2 nights aweek. I am glad to be busy, and yes I sought help right away and am also on a butt load of meds that I would not be functioning at all with. It all started 3 years ago when he decided to do jobs out of the state all over the country, and I could see a change in him after a year. His manner of speech changed, he was verbally cruel to me and I do not ever see this workig out. He is out of state and planning to come to the area and park his trailor close by and see about marriage counsiling, I have agreed to go, but do not think I will ever feel the same about him. I don't think he wants me, he just does not want to loose all the assessets we have gained. please someone talk to me.

CUT HIM OFF PERIOD. 31 EFING YEARS! mOVE ON NOT BACKWARDS. Woman are powerful, smart, and deserve more than what they are accepting. Tell his dumbass to go to a KOA camp. All future communication will be through lawyers. Round up all the financial paperwork, clean out the savings and checking. All these things will scare the **** out of you...it's called empowerment. If he tracks you down for ANY reason, go directly to the courthouse and get a restraining order for stalking. Again, you will feel scared, and tremble, it called taking and stand for YOU. We woman having been doing battles for others for a long time. It seems easy to stick up for friends, family, or our children. Now it's time to stick up for yourself. This is battle, and be prepared for it to get ugly....don't stop, don't back down, you are worth way more than that lieing, cheating, piece of **** you use to call your husband. You don't stand alone, there are thousands of woman just like you. Keep telling yourself every minute of the day "I am strong, smart, and powerful, and I will not surrender"

I wish I could be as strong as you! I just found out my husband has been cheating on me with a girl at his work. We have to kids together, one is 22 months and the other just 12 weeks old. Hes been cheating since I was 6 months pregnant. I almost died giving birth to our second son. I found out by looking at the phone bill. When I confronted him he said " lines must of got crossed there's no way anybody can talk and text that much" 3000 text in one month and 3000 talk minutes and none where to me, his dying wife. Text messages that say " I love you and I miss you" of course he said "they are only words, they mean nothing to me, neither does she". He said they never had sex BUT I now have a STD. After being confronted with that, he now has had sex with her "only 3 times" . I have nothing, no job, no babysitter, we share a car, we live with HIS parents and we are 27. How do I just yank the kids away from their father, now I'm the bad guy. I need strength, I am so tore up, I cant function and I have no where to go. Do I deal with it? Do I live on the streets or shelters? Do I make it work? Of course he says he "loves me", he said he did it because we didn't have good communication, He was able to just "TALK" to her with no feelings and didn't have to worry about hurting her. IM SO CONFUSED!!!!

If you can, look up a local woman's shelter and take the kids with you. They will have all the resources to help you get jobs, clothes, food, etc. I don't know about where you live but where I live, if you are technically homeless & with kids, WIC, food stamps, and the TEA program all have to help you within 72 hours. If "words mean nothing to him" then neither did your wedding vows mean anything. I think you need to get out of a situation where he can make you put up with anything because he has the home, the car, the family, all the power... it'll be scary as hell but a year from now you will be glad you did it. If nothing else, you don't want your kids to grow up watching a woman (you) be treated like that, and that's where they learn their ideas of how to treat their own spouse later!

That is so wonderful! BRAVO! It sucks that some have to go through such sacrifices to have something good come out of it. Sounds sooooo familiar. I think in the end we finally get what we really deserve. The feeling of being yourself again is wonderful. You just feel alive on your own to be able to live your life once again. Thank you for your story! :D

thank you fro sharing, you are a very courageous woman, at barely 19, in a serious relationship, there are some blurry lines with my partner involving elements of betrayal. Your story got me in a completely diffrent light. I know there is still life ahead of me. The only problem is that he doesn't let me end up this relationship... because it hurt me so much.



let's just wait and see i guess!

Your story is very inspiring to me...to get through soo very much....and coming out of it whole and a better person ...for the hell that you went through.I wish you the best of Happiness for your bright future.It is a great to know that your fiancee truly treats you with the love and respect you deserve!

I commend you on your strength. I'm sure you have a very bright future ahead of you. I wish you and your fiancee the best!