I Feel Like I Have Been Living A Lie.

My husband and I have been married for almost 19 and a half years. I recently discovered that he has been having affair for a year. He is in the military and about to get out, so last year he decided to go to the Reservist Police Academy. Apparently he met his mistress at the academy, she was also a cadet. For the past year I could feel something wrong but I thought it was just the stress of his upcoming retirement. I became suspicious when he stopped becoming intimate with me. After a month of no intimacy I began to ask questions but things just didn't add up so I looked at the cell phone bill online and discovered a reocurring number and called it. A woman answered and I said I believe she knows my husband she answered with a question which was, was my husband there with me?
I was calm in my tome thinking I will get more answers that way but her reply to every question was "ask him". Finally he came home and I confronted him. He then proceeded to tell me he was in love and that he was moving out. He moved to her place and within 24 hours was back home saying he had made a mistake. I have a over 20 year relationship with him so I took him back. He said he wanted to be totally honest. While talking to the mistress she revealed to me that my husband has had many affairs, he lies to me but keeps no secrets from her. During this period of reconsiliation I have found out that he has had a minimum of two affairs per duty stations we have been to. Plus there were many one night stands. He always wore a condom, except with the mistress.
I am having a difficult time trusting anything he says and where he says he is going. He used his patroling with the Sherriffs as a ruse for meeting up with her. He would tell me he was on duty for 14 hours and in reality he was only patroling for 5-7, the rest of the time was spent with her.
I have asked since he is retiring from the military could we please move but he doesn't want to. He assures me that it is over between them but he still keeps his Facebook with many women I do not know. He doesn't share passwords with me and he still is not intimate. He says that he is trying. We are in couseling but the couselor says I am just as guilty in the marriage because I was so submissive.
I don't know where to turn anymore. Why do I love him? Why do I love him more than myself. We have four boys and a grandson. I am not asking them to take sides but it is nice that they are all so supportive.
Desperate2Bloved Desperate2Bloved
41-45, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

I know that this has been posted for several months. The reason you love him is because of what you yourself have emotionally invested in the relationship, not because you actually love or even like your husband now that he revealed the kind of person he really is. You being submissive has nothing to do with your husband's actions. If he had problems with your behavior or didn't like the way the relationship was going it was his responsibility to talk about it ad try to work for a solution. That's called being emotionally mature, rather than being a frightened little boy. Your husband is clearly a pathological liar and he is incapable of being honest about his true feelings. Clearly he has some severe fears of commitment and fears of intimacy. I think he blames everyone else for his big time emotional problems. <br />
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There's one thing i have no patience for it's liars. I have zero respect for people who can't be honest about their feelings and their problems. I have zero respect for people who choose to blame/use others and act like victims instead of taking active responsibility for their own lives.<br />
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I think you're absolutely right not to trust him. i wouldn't either. You deserve to have people in your life that support you and are a positive influence on your well being. The way I figure it, if you have people that are a negative influence and take advantage of you, you should cut them out of your life without hesitation. Life is too short to waste your time on people who use you. You deserve to have a relationship with a "whole man" who has the courage to talk about needs and feelings.