It's A Never Ending Battle Of Love And Hate....

My ex-boyfriend is apart of the army. Before we broke up, we had this amazing relationship, it was a constant struggle, but it was amazing nonetheless. When he first got into the military he decided that it would be best that him and I took a break, but because I loved him so much, I just couldn't let him go or move on, so I decided to wait it out. For an entire year (2011) I did nothing but fight and struggle to stay with him, especially while he was deployed in Afghanistan. I remember how painful it was for me to live in this constant struggle of not knowing what to do or how he even felt, but at the end of the day, he would always tell me "Thank you so much for waiting, it really means the entire world to me." While he was deployed, not only did I feel completely alone because none of my friends could even understand what i was going through, but he became extremely distant, and in many ways, he changed. I could understand of course, when you're put in a war zone that's filled with never ending danger, I could imagine how difficult that must be, but I never wanted to give up, even if he did push me away. I thought to myself "He's doing this because he doesn't want me to get hurt, keep fighting." and soon enough, he was mine once again, and it just made everything seem so much better, that even though we were far apart, the distance didn't matter because we loved each other regardless. We had our differences, and a lot of the times, fear got the better of me and I had flashes of panic where I didn't know if he should be my boyfriend anymore, if I didn't know if it was worth my while, I would think that  he was cheating, and this and that, all in all, very overwhelming and extremely painful to go through, not knowing if the person I loved would make it out alive by the end of the day, and many times, I did think about giving up because I was just so afraid of the "what if". A year went by, and earlier this year, on March 1st. I finally got to see him, and I was just so damn happy. I was so happy and overwhelmed, I felt proud and accomplished, and when I got to hug him after such a horrible deployment, after all the fear and constant stress and worry, it just all went away because there he was, my soldier, standing in my driveway, waiting for me to get home from my college class. The moment I saw him, all I wanted to do was just hug and kiss him, and give him all the damn love in the world. That amount of happiness, I could never explain it, but it was surreal, and amazing, it's like all the hell we went through just went away. We spent that entire week together, and it was so amazing, sure, i was just so caught up in everything that was going on, I became very stressed, but it was just so amazing. Knowing that my boyfriend, the one I waited 2 years for, was finally by my side. There he was, alive, with me, and I never wanted that to end, but as they say "all good things must come to an end eventually" After spending an amazing week with him, I was so damn sure, so damn sure that we could get through anything, and that we were going to stay together until the very end, little did I know, i was pretty damn wrong. By the end of March, I kind of felt that things were changing. I know, it's the military, his life is constant stress, and it's pretty hard to maintain a relationship and have the job that he has at the same time, but even while he was in Afghanistan, we always fount the time for each other, that's why i knew  that this time was different. We were okay for a little while during April, but after that, it all just went downhill. Our 2 year anniversary was on April 10th, he didn't acknowledge it, instead, he ignored me and started talking to slutty girls instead (excuse my language), every chance he had to talk to me, he would game instead, and to get to the point, he pretty much ignored me for two weeks, and then I finally had to force the truth out of him and now we're over. I know that everyone needs their space, but to end things that way, it's just cruel and it makes things not right. What makes this worse is that my best friend (he's a Marine) he talked to my boyfriend earlier, and he told my best friend that he was going to break up with me, or as he put it,  "a break." I don't know, but nothing about this seems right at all. I'm not just pointing the finger at him, because I had some serious downfalls, but I never gave up. Walter (my, who is now ex-boyfriend) looked me straight in the eye and told me "I'm never letting you go, not ever again." and now that we're broken up again, all of it just seems like a lie, everything he's ever told me just seems like a major lie. It took me until after we broke up on how unhealthy our relationship really was. He's lied to me over and over about not smoking, the amount of girls he's been interested while he's been in the army, and it just really makes me think that I everything I did, put up with, and how long I waited was a mistake. I really thought the he was going to be the one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, because that's something we always talked about. Now looking back, I just don't know what to think, or how to even feel about it, because it doesn't feel right, but I do feel extremely betrayed and lied to. He's kept so much from me a secret, and hell, he even kept his visit to me a secret from his friends and some of his family, but I can't help but miss him, and I can't help but just feel really broken and lost without him, but now all i can think of is that he might just end up hurting me again, and how much I can't trust him. Oh the complications are endless...
Vengeancex Vengeancex
22-25, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

Hey girl. Just read your experience and all I've got to say is keep your head up. Be strong and don't give up on men and love. He was too stupid to let something beautiful go to waste. He will realize that after he get's a taste of his own medicince in the near future. There will be new fishes and new beautiful experience's out there to savour in the near future. It's up to you to let go of the past, I know it hurts but you will get over him soon, we are all or nothing type of women and no man deserve's our love unless he works for it, day and night, till he sweats. xx