Over And Over

My first boyfriend wasn't my first love, but I loved him then. He was a bit of a bad boy, cutting classes, bullying other kids, flunking exams. My family never liked him because of that; but I never let him get to my grades, so my mom didn't mind. I was 17, and he was 18 when he took my virginity. I wasn't ready, but he somehow convinced me. I was naive then, and probably ignorant. After then, he made me feel like I was his property. I could no longer speak to my guy friends. I could no longer go out the house without him knowing. I felt like a prisoner, and when I talked to him about it, he'd say I was overreacting. Whenever we had fights, he'd hurt me or let me hurt myself. When his friend celebrated her birthday, he went, got drunk, and made out with her. One of his friends told me about this, and I got fed up. Broke up with him.
My next boyfriend was the total opposite of the first boyfriend. He was a scholar, sort of a geek. He was smart and somewhat a gentleman. We started out as friends, introduced by friend, then he confessed that he had a huge crush on me. So we started hanging out more often, then dating, till we became an "us." It went well for a about three months or so, when a friend of ours asked me what happened and why we broke up. I was taken aback to what I heard not knowing that we have actually broken up. No email, no text, no conversation. So I just went on with my lonely life.
My third boyfriend has been lingering around all the while I was in college. He needed help in preparing for the big exam to get our license after graduation. He wasn't doing so well with the practice tests that we had, so he asked me to tutor him. I guess he was always been a flirt, but he flirted differently with me. I knew he was a nice guy, and he showed not only me, but also my parents, how sincere he was with me. My mom loved him, and when I thought he could be the elusive one, I said "why not?" So we dated for a good month, until I had to move away for work. And he wasn't ready to commit. He was afraid of long distance relationships, but admitted that he was more afraid of cheating on me than me on him. So its another thumbs down for this one.
The next one was an old schoolmate back in high school. We reconnected through facebook, and I thought he was sincere, cause he used to be a good friend back then. Apparently, he was just making time pass by saying he has a girlfriend, but not really ready to commit to the boyfriend title.
So now, I am tired of being in love, but I like the feeling of being in love. And it feels so lonely to be not in love. :(
lonelydinosaur lonelydinosaur
26-30, F
Jan 15, 2013