I 've Been In Love And Betrayed
I'm a 20 year old single mother , I've been in love and betrayed. This is my story.
(It's a long read, but comments/advice would be greatly appreciated)
In March of 2011 I started dating the man whom I thought to be the love of my life..
We first met in the summer of 2010 while working together at a local restaurant. Apparently he had a crush on me, but we were both in relationships at the time. A little less than a year later, we met up randomly because I was searching for painkillers to help a friend. I met him at his work, and will never forget the huge rush I felt when he got into the passenger seat of my car. I was unexpectedly filled with butterflies and I could tell he felt it too..our chemistry was undeniable. We met up again the next day to hang out and smoke a blunt. Then he invited me to come with him to a show the next night at a local bar. I went to his place before the show and we smoked and did molly. When we got to the show he got us some beers and we listened to the band that would soon become the music of our relationship. I remember how nervous he was to hold my hand and how excited I was when it happened. After the show we went back to his place and made crazy passionate love for hours.. we were inseparable ever since. That summer was a summer of love and I had never felt so alive. We spent a lot of that summer going to music festivals, experimenting with drugs, and of course making love. I know, it sounds like we were the stereo-typical hippies. But I loved my life and had never been happier. Everything seemed right in the world when we were together. Being together was just easy. We never fought and could have fun together no matter what we were doing. We were that lovey-dovey couple that's so cute it makes you want to vomit. We had our own cute little language and tons of inside jokes. I could truly be myself around him, and for the first time in my life felt that I had found someone who truly understood me. I could tell him anything..though I had a hard time getting him to open up to me. I could tell that we wasn't very good at expressing himself emotionally. However, it seemed that over time I had cracked his hard outer shell. Around his friends he may have been his Mr. Cool persona..but when around me he was just my cute little monkey. I don't really know exactly how to describe our connection except that it was spiritual almost. We knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word, and had even shared some almost 'telepathic' moments. We tripped together a lot, and maybe it was what helped us to be connected on such a deep level. We'd take a few hits and make love for hours, or stay up all night talking about the world, the universe, and the meaning of life. He made me aware of so many things and I feel that my third eye was opened when I was with him. Together we experienced so much about love and life. Our relationship seemed almost perfect when the unthinkable happened.
It was just a few weeks shy of our one year anniversary when he cheated on me for the first time. We spent nearly every night together since we'd been together, but that night I couldn't find a way over (my car had recently broke down, and he didn't have his license). When I talked to him on the phone before we both retired for the night, everything seemed fine. I laid awake for hours after we said goodnight, but didn't bother texting him because he said he was about to pass out. The next night we were making love at my place..candles lit, the Dead playing in the background..when a certain song came on and he started crying. Afterwards, I asked him why he cried....finally he said "I did something really stupid last night." Instantly, I knew what he was about to tell me. Hysterical tears soon followed, and then what seemed like hours of talking. He cheated on me with his ex, the woman he claimed to hate with a burning passion. He had told me about her the summer that we started dating. He told me about how heartbroken he was when she cheated on him again and again then eventually left him for the other man. He told me how she was extremely controlling and that they fought all the time. She was the "psychotic *****" that all of his friends and family hated. She treated him like ****, but even after being cheated on several times he had a hard time leaving her. We had BOTH been hurt a LOT in the past, and he always told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Every other girl he'd ever been with had treated him like crap. Which is why I couldn't understand how he could betray me after almost 12 months of pure happiness.
He claimed to be really ****** up when it happened...apparently he had taken one too many bars and was also drinking when it happened. He said he was about to go to bed when she contacted him to buy some pot. Apparently she came over and they smoked and talked awhile..then blew down perks together. By this point he was 'extremely ****** up' and said he was going to bed, and she was supposedly going to let herself out. He went in his room and laid down..when she came in and started trying to kiss him. He said she forced himself onto him and he tried to push her away but she wouldn't stop..apparently he was so messed up he barely remembers what happened and was in a black-out state. I had never been so devastated, and had no idea what to do. I had always swore to myself that if I was ever cheated on I would leave him immediately..but I never thought it would actually happen, no one ever does. I loved him so much and couldn't bear the thought of losing him..was it just a one time mistake? He was crying, and seemed completely genuine..he knew he ****** up and admitted to it. He said he understood if I didn't want to be with him anymore, but that he would never forget me. Its almost like he expected me to break up with him..and looking back I wonder if he wanted me to. Maybe he felt like he was no longer good enough for me. I truly felt that he was very sorry and regretful however, so I decided to stay with him. Was this my first mistake? Many would probably say yes...
I decided I wanted to work through it, and even though our relationship was rocky for awhile..things seemed to go back to normal for the most part. I believed that our love could withstand anything..that I could forgive him and leave the past behind us. But a part of me kept holding on to that pain..and even though we were generally happy again, and had all the potential for a happy future together..there was a part of me deep inside that was still unhappy. I hadn't fully forgiven him..and if it was going to work out I had to fully forgive him. We would still get in fights from time to time when it got brought up..and I really was doing my best to leave it in the past..but my trust in him was broken and I felt that he needed to gain it back. Life went on and I continued to enjoy all of our time together. I felt like we were over the worst of it all, and that everything would be okay as long as we were both trying. Then my life took another unexpected twist.
In May of 2012 I got unusually sick, and was hospitalized for three days. The doctors could never quite figure out the cause of my sickness, and proceeded to take me off all medications as a precaution. It was only a few weeks later after being off my birth control that I got pregnant. Of course, I was scared..in no way was I ready to be a parent. But I had faith that we could do it. When I told him, I expressed to him my fears of being left alone. He promised he would never abandon in me like that.
Then he did.
Everyone was extremely happy and excited for us, especially his family. They all thought we were such a great couple, and that we would get married and live happily ever after. It seemed like our relationship was heading in a beautiful direction..sure we had our rough patch, but now we were going to have a beautiful baby and a life together. At times it seemed like he wasn't as excited as I was starting to be..but isn't that how it normally is on the guy's end? I could tell he was stressed about the financial aspect of everything, but I knew we would be just fine. I wished that he wouldn't stress so much about money. That summer we didn't do much of anything after finding out about my pregnancy, the reason being "to save money for the baby." Also, neither of us had cars still, and we were trying to come up with a plan to get one together. A summer of saving really got us nowhere, and I honestly feel that our relationship would have been better off if we had done more things together that summer. I mean, I don't think we went on a single real date, we didn't go to any festivals, or do anything special really. The anxiety of being parents seemed like it was really starting to get to us. But I knew that stressing out the entire pregnancy would not be good for the baby or for our relationship, so I tried to balance out his stress the best I could by remaining positive.
By midsummer, both of our leases were about to be over. We had been discussing living together for awhile, but he always seemed like he was afraid of the commitment. When it was about time for us to move, I asked if he was serious about living together. He said he wanted to, but the apartments that we were looking at would not approve us on my income alone (he was still searching for a job). So we decided to move in with friends, but into the same apartment complex. It seemed like a perfect idea, because we could still be together all the time, yet have our own space (plus our friends needed the help). The four of us would hang out every night and smoke and watch movies and everything seemed to be going good. He finally got a job and was getting a lot of hours, and I was working too (though struggling to pick up hours). Things seemed to be heading in the right direction though.
Then my life took yet another unexpected turn.
It was a night like any other night, and I fell asleep next to him as he was playing video games. I woke around one in the morning to discover he was nowhere to be found. I went outside to see if he was smoking a cigarette but he wasn't there. I called him, but no answer. The Xbox was left on and the door left unlocked, two things he wouldn't normally do. I was beginning to get worried..he had never disappeared in the middle of the night before. I called and texted him several times but got no response. Why would he leave in the middle of the night and not answer my calls? My only conclusions were that he was either in serious trouble or he was out cheating on me. I didn't even want to allow myself to think it was the latter. I laid awake crying all night, wondering where the hell he was. Finally, around six thirty in the morning he comes walking in as if he did nothing wrong. I asked him where he was, and he told me he 'had to go do something.' I asked, 'what was so important you had to sneak out on me in the middle of the night?' Finally he told me
He had heard that his ex's baby may in fact be his. He had went to go talk to her, to find out if it was true. I asked him why he didn't just tell me and he said he panicked. He didn't want to hurt me..yet he hurt me anyways by sneaking around. I was in total shock.. This was all way too much to handle. It couldn't be his-it just couldn't be! But then he told me that when she was with the man that she left him for, he decided to get his revenge..and sleep with her while she was with the guy she had left him for. Of course..the ***** was sleeping with both of them. When she got dumped by the guy who thought he was the dad, she tried to file for child support and the paternity test came back negative.
So after almost two years, the truth finally came out.
He had a little girl that neither of us knew about.
Of course she started going all crazy on him, calling him a piece of **** for not being in his daughters life whom he had only just found out about. The next day we were supposed to go to see our favorite band..the band that we had seen together on our first date. There we would dance to our song like we always did and for once just forget about all the crazy **** that was happening. I waited for him to get off work so we could leave for the show..but then he said he had to make a quick deal before we left. It wasn't supposed to take long..and before I knew it hours went by and I hadn't heard anything from him. I was starting to think that he went to see her again. I was getting pretty upset that our plans got pushed aside yet again so he could make a deal. When he got back I found out that the reason he wasn't responding to me was because he had gotten robbed. He said that tonight was a huge eye opener for him, but the dealing never stopped. He then insisted that he had to go talk to HER that same night. He said that if he didn't go talk to her and her parents now, she would not let him see his daughter. It was already one thirty in the morning, and there is no reason it couldn't have waited..but I somehow trusted him enough to let him leave. I asked him what he planned on saying to her and her parents, "I'm having a baby with you and plan on marrying you, but I am still going to be in my other daughter's life." He said he would be right back and kissed me goodbye.
He was gone again till seven in the morning this time, and I stayed up all night again crying. I was emotionally drained. When he came back it was just more lies and a half-assed apology. He told me that they talked for awhile, and she showed him a suicide note that she wrote because she was so devastated that they weren't together anymore. She also told him that she had been addicted to perks for a year, and he said that he yelled at her for it and made her throw them away. He told me that she wasn't going to make him pay child support, and that she was willing to help him out financially and loan him money for a car. It was obvious to me that she was tempting him with money. The next couple days I was extremely emotional. I was still in shock about the other child. I didn't know how to process the information. It wasn't the most pleasant news you want to hear when you are 20 weeks pregnant. It was hard to accept that the woman I hated, the one who had slept with my man, also has a kid with him. Could things get any worse?
Of course they could.
It's understandable that he would be freaking out. But I don't believe that excuses what he did.
He was acting distant, angry, and stressed out. A month ago he had injured his knee, and I was worried that he was beginning to become addicted to pain killers. I was worried about him, and tried to express my concern but it seemed to make him angry. I was trying everything I could to show him that everything would be alright. I bought him chocolates and wrote him little notes. I woke up one morning and made him breakfast but still couldn't get a smile out of him. I regret begging him to tell me what was wrong, because it only caused me more pain. He told me that old feelings came up and he still cares about her.
"But you said she was a conniving manipulative *****!"
"She's not as bad as you think..."
He even told me that he *********** to her while we were together. Was he trying to hurt me as much as possible?
Suddenly it was like I was an option. He was the only man I ever thought about since the first night we were together and now I was an option. After everything she had done to him, how could he still have feelings for her? After almost a year and a half of being in love with me, how could he still be thinking about someone else? I just wanted him to show me that he wanted to be with me. He told me he loved me, but I wanted him to show it. He couldn't handle it all, and he started pushing me away. I just wanted to hug him and tell him how much I cared for him. I can't describe to you the pain I felt when I tried to put my arms around him and I got pushed four feet back. It was the first and the last time that ever happened. He suddenly said he needed space, that he just needed time to think. I thought it was a bad idea and just wanted to talk things through. He said if I didn't give him space I would end up pushing him away even more, so we slept apart that night. He walked me across the street to my apartment. He promised me that we were okay. That we would be fine he just needed some time to himself. He told me to focus on myself, and imagine the things I wanted for my life, but to not include him in those thoughts. "Don't worry about me" he said. Those couple days I really did what he said. I thought long and hard about everything. I read a book about zen, and realized how much I was living in the past. If I wanted our relationship to survive, I need to accept things for what they were and live in the present moment. I came to terms with the fact that he had a kid by another woman. I was willing to be a fair and loving stepmother. I had come to a lot of realizations, and was feeling a lot better about things. I was ready to talk to him, but he seemed like he was still avoiding me.
I kept asking if it was okay to come back over yet, and he said he would be over soon so we could talk. I was waiting for hours and it seemed that something was up. Then one of my friends who was over there buying pot texted me. She said that his roommate has slipped up and spilled the beans about seeing his ex's car leave that morning. It was then obvious that it had happened. He cheated on me with her again. I went over there, and waited for his friends to leave so we could talk. When he was out smoking a cigarette, I found a bottle of lube stashed behind his bed. "How could you do this to me??" I cried
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him as hard as I could. I wanted to kill her. It was only days ago when he looked me dead in the eye and promised me he would never hurt me like that again. He said it was stupid. It was hate sex. He said he was sorry, but it wasn't genuine like last time. It honestly seemed like he didn't even care that he might lose me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want it to be true. I loved him so much, and yet he completely betrayed me. I should have left him right then and there, but I wasn't strong enough. I knew if I left him now he would only fall right into her arms. I was conflicted. He said that no matter what he was still going to be there for me. He said he wouldn't abandon me and the baby.
The next day I came over and there she was. Sitting on our bed. I was instantly replaced.
He didn't even have the guts to tell me goodbye.
A couple days later I got all of my belongings out of his place. He moved her in just days later. I sat across the street; watching as her car pulled up to his place night after night.
I texted him day after day, trying to talk about what had happened. At first he said things like "I care more than you can possibly understand" and "I'm more sorry about this than anything I have ever done" but soon enough he stopped responding altogether. I wanted an explanation. I wanted closure. I analyzed things over and over again in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. Why did he pick her? Was it about sex? Money? Drugs? Or all of the above? I was more depressed than I had every been before. I couldn't eat..I couldn't sleep. I was losing weight and losing hair. I feared that I would have a miscarriage from all the stress. I didn't want to go on- the child in my womb was the only thing keeping me alive. The rest of my pregnancy was very dark.
I was 21 weeks pregnant and completely alone. Some of our mutual friends tried getting him to come talk to me...after all, I was having his child, and he could at least communicate with me for the baby's sake. Yet he hid away in his apartment but a few yards away, never having the bawls to come talk to me. Perhaps it was because he was too ashamed of what he had done that he dared not look me in the eyes. But at some point he would have to take responsibility for what he had done. He couldn't hide forever. He knew that he messed up, but was too stubborn to admit it. He'd rather pretend that he is happy with her, even if he is totally miserable, then own up to what he did.
I didn't understand why he would do this. We loved each other. I knew everything had to of been real. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I've never gotten the chance, and I don't know if I ever will. It drives me crazy not being able to tell him how I feel. I know I will never get him back, and I shouldn't want him back after everything he has done to me. The sad part is, I still love him. But I wonder sometimes if our whole relationship was a lie. If he ever truly loved me as much as I loved him. I wondered if he had been cheating on me the whole time.
Maybe he thought it was easier to be with her. After all, he knew exactly what to expect from her. He was scared, and ran to what he knew. He knew pain, and was comfortable with pain. I wonder, what causes people to go back to abusive relationships? Could it be their little self-worth? Does a part of them think they deserve the abuse? Obviously he was dealing with some of his own demons. But I felt he deserved better, he deserved to be happy. But why is it that a happy relationship scares most people? Maybe he never felt like he was good enough. I want to tell him, "Baby, you were always good enough for me-you just weren't good enough for you." Doesn't he realize that I loved him for who he was? Sure, he had a dark side..but he also had a side filled with light. I felt that we brought out the best in each other, but his ex brought out the worst. He was becoming a cold, heartless individual. I know deep down inside the caring, sweet man i know still exists, but he is lost. His bad boy persona took over, the boy who loves sex, drugs, and money. He has to be cool; he has to be popular. He wants to feel like a bad ***. But his false pretense is only a way to hide his insecurities. He puts on a show, and I've always seen right through it. He can't deal with his emotions, so he numbs himself with drugs. My worst fear came true, and he started to abuse painkillers with her. The drugs make him emotionless. Every time he gets high, it makes it easier for him to ignore me for one more day. Then the next one, and the next one. If he just gets messed up enough, he won't have to feel the pain. When he hurt me, I know that he also hurt himself. He can't deal with it, he can't express himself. He knows it's wrong to not be in his child's life, but the drugs will make him not care. Will he ever face reality? Sometimes I think, "Maybe if I just say this, he will finally realize." But nothing I say phases him. I can text my heart out but will never get a response. Why do I torture myself like this? I had to disappear for my own sanity. I moved out of my apartment..I couldn't move on as long as i had to drive by his apartment every day. I changed my number and stopped texting him..besides, would he even notice that it was changed? It's not like he ever tried to contact me. It had been 3 weeks since our daughter was born, and if he hadn't seen her yet I doubted he was going to try to see her anytime soon. He told me he was going to come see her one day, but never showed. So that was the last straw. I had to move on with my life. I had to try to forget about him. Imagine a life without him. Imagine a life for my daughter with no father.
A month went by and I was starting to feel okay without him. I heard from one of our mutual friends that he had noticed that my number was changed. I didn't want him to be able to use that as an excuse for not seeing his daughter, so I called him. That way, no one can say I didn't try my hardest. When we talked, he said he would call me back to let me know what day he could come over. That was almost a week ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if I should try calling him again, if there is something I should say to try to get him to come see her. I feel like the more I text him, the more pathetic I make myself look. I had all the power and I just gave it back to him all over again. I am tired of this stupid game. I wish I would have never called him. Ignoring him was finally beginning to get easy. After all, it seems like that is what he wanted. He was ignoring me and our daughter 100%, so it was apparent to me that he wanted to be left alone. But still I keep trying! Maybe it is time that I finally stop. I've done everything I can do haven't I? The opportunity is there, but he is the one who has to choose to see his daughter. I just wish I could bring him back to his senses..but maybe he is too far gone. Maybe it's the drugs? Or maybe he simply just doesn't care. He has said that he does, but his actions say otherwise. I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but he won't even talk to me. Maybe I just need to learn to let go of the things I can't control. But he has no one..he has shut out all the people who care about him, even his own parents. All he has is that crazy psychotic *****..and she controls every move he makes. Is he gone forever? Where do I go from here?
(It's a long read, but comments/advice would be greatly appreciated)
In March of 2011 I started dating the man whom I thought to be the love of my life..
We first met in the summer of 2010 while working together at a local restaurant. Apparently he had a crush on me, but we were both in relationships at the time. A little less than a year later, we met up randomly because I was searching for painkillers to help a friend. I met him at his work, and will never forget the huge rush I felt when he got into the passenger seat of my car. I was unexpectedly filled with butterflies and I could tell he felt it too..our chemistry was undeniable. We met up again the next day to hang out and smoke a blunt. Then he invited me to come with him to a show the next night at a local bar. I went to his place before the show and we smoked and did molly. When we got to the show he got us some beers and we listened to the band that would soon become the music of our relationship. I remember how nervous he was to hold my hand and how excited I was when it happened. After the show we went back to his place and made crazy passionate love for hours.. we were inseparable ever since. That summer was a summer of love and I had never felt so alive. We spent a lot of that summer going to music festivals, experimenting with drugs, and of course making love. I know, it sounds like we were the stereo-typical hippies. But I loved my life and had never been happier. Everything seemed right in the world when we were together. Being together was just easy. We never fought and could have fun together no matter what we were doing. We were that lovey-dovey couple that's so cute it makes you want to vomit. We had our own cute little language and tons of inside jokes. I could truly be myself around him, and for the first time in my life felt that I had found someone who truly understood me. I could tell him anything..though I had a hard time getting him to open up to me. I could tell that we wasn't very good at expressing himself emotionally. However, it seemed that over time I had cracked his hard outer shell. Around his friends he may have been his Mr. Cool persona..but when around me he was just my cute little monkey. I don't really know exactly how to describe our connection except that it was spiritual almost. We knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word, and had even shared some almost 'telepathic' moments. We tripped together a lot, and maybe it was what helped us to be connected on such a deep level. We'd take a few hits and make love for hours, or stay up all night talking about the world, the universe, and the meaning of life. He made me aware of so many things and I feel that my third eye was opened when I was with him. Together we experienced so much about love and life. Our relationship seemed almost perfect when the unthinkable happened.
It was just a few weeks shy of our one year anniversary when he cheated on me for the first time. We spent nearly every night together since we'd been together, but that night I couldn't find a way over (my car had recently broke down, and he didn't have his license). When I talked to him on the phone before we both retired for the night, everything seemed fine. I laid awake for hours after we said goodnight, but didn't bother texting him because he said he was about to pass out. The next night we were making love at my place..candles lit, the Dead playing in the background..when a certain song came on and he started crying. Afterwards, I asked him why he cried....finally he said "I did something really stupid last night." Instantly, I knew what he was about to tell me. Hysterical tears soon followed, and then what seemed like hours of talking. He cheated on me with his ex, the woman he claimed to hate with a burning passion. He had told me about her the summer that we started dating. He told me about how heartbroken he was when she cheated on him again and again then eventually left him for the other man. He told me how she was extremely controlling and that they fought all the time. She was the "psychotic *****" that all of his friends and family hated. She treated him like ****, but even after being cheated on several times he had a hard time leaving her. We had BOTH been hurt a LOT in the past, and he always told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Every other girl he'd ever been with had treated him like crap. Which is why I couldn't understand how he could betray me after almost 12 months of pure happiness.
He claimed to be really ****** up when it happened...apparently he had taken one too many bars and was also drinking when it happened. He said he was about to go to bed when she contacted him to buy some pot. Apparently she came over and they smoked and talked awhile..then blew down perks together. By this point he was 'extremely ****** up' and said he was going to bed, and she was supposedly going to let herself out. He went in his room and laid down..when she came in and started trying to kiss him. He said she forced himself onto him and he tried to push her away but she wouldn't stop..apparently he was so messed up he barely remembers what happened and was in a black-out state. I had never been so devastated, and had no idea what to do. I had always swore to myself that if I was ever cheated on I would leave him immediately..but I never thought it would actually happen, no one ever does. I loved him so much and couldn't bear the thought of losing him..was it just a one time mistake? He was crying, and seemed completely genuine..he knew he ****** up and admitted to it. He said he understood if I didn't want to be with him anymore, but that he would never forget me. Its almost like he expected me to break up with him..and looking back I wonder if he wanted me to. Maybe he felt like he was no longer good enough for me. I truly felt that he was very sorry and regretful however, so I decided to stay with him. Was this my first mistake? Many would probably say yes...
I decided I wanted to work through it, and even though our relationship was rocky for awhile..things seemed to go back to normal for the most part. I believed that our love could withstand anything..that I could forgive him and leave the past behind us. But a part of me kept holding on to that pain..and even though we were generally happy again, and had all the potential for a happy future together..there was a part of me deep inside that was still unhappy. I hadn't fully forgiven him..and if it was going to work out I had to fully forgive him. We would still get in fights from time to time when it got brought up..and I really was doing my best to leave it in the past..but my trust in him was broken and I felt that he needed to gain it back. Life went on and I continued to enjoy all of our time together. I felt like we were over the worst of it all, and that everything would be okay as long as we were both trying. Then my life took another unexpected twist.
In May of 2012 I got unusually sick, and was hospitalized for three days. The doctors could never quite figure out the cause of my sickness, and proceeded to take me off all medications as a precaution. It was only a few weeks later after being off my birth control that I got pregnant. Of course, I was scared..in no way was I ready to be a parent. But I had faith that we could do it. When I told him, I expressed to him my fears of being left alone. He promised he would never abandon in me like that.
Then he did.
Everyone was extremely happy and excited for us, especially his family. They all thought we were such a great couple, and that we would get married and live happily ever after. It seemed like our relationship was heading in a beautiful direction..sure we had our rough patch, but now we were going to have a beautiful baby and a life together. At times it seemed like he wasn't as excited as I was starting to be..but isn't that how it normally is on the guy's end? I could tell he was stressed about the financial aspect of everything, but I knew we would be just fine. I wished that he wouldn't stress so much about money. That summer we didn't do much of anything after finding out about my pregnancy, the reason being "to save money for the baby." Also, neither of us had cars still, and we were trying to come up with a plan to get one together. A summer of saving really got us nowhere, and I honestly feel that our relationship would have been better off if we had done more things together that summer. I mean, I don't think we went on a single real date, we didn't go to any festivals, or do anything special really. The anxiety of being parents seemed like it was really starting to get to us. But I knew that stressing out the entire pregnancy would not be good for the baby or for our relationship, so I tried to balance out his stress the best I could by remaining positive.
By midsummer, both of our leases were about to be over. We had been discussing living together for awhile, but he always seemed like he was afraid of the commitment. When it was about time for us to move, I asked if he was serious about living together. He said he wanted to, but the apartments that we were looking at would not approve us on my income alone (he was still searching for a job). So we decided to move in with friends, but into the same apartment complex. It seemed like a perfect idea, because we could still be together all the time, yet have our own space (plus our friends needed the help). The four of us would hang out every night and smoke and watch movies and everything seemed to be going good. He finally got a job and was getting a lot of hours, and I was working too (though struggling to pick up hours). Things seemed to be heading in the right direction though.
Then my life took yet another unexpected turn.
It was a night like any other night, and I fell asleep next to him as he was playing video games. I woke around one in the morning to discover he was nowhere to be found. I went outside to see if he was smoking a cigarette but he wasn't there. I called him, but no answer. The Xbox was left on and the door left unlocked, two things he wouldn't normally do. I was beginning to get worried..he had never disappeared in the middle of the night before. I called and texted him several times but got no response. Why would he leave in the middle of the night and not answer my calls? My only conclusions were that he was either in serious trouble or he was out cheating on me. I didn't even want to allow myself to think it was the latter. I laid awake crying all night, wondering where the hell he was. Finally, around six thirty in the morning he comes walking in as if he did nothing wrong. I asked him where he was, and he told me he 'had to go do something.' I asked, 'what was so important you had to sneak out on me in the middle of the night?' Finally he told me
He had heard that his ex's baby may in fact be his. He had went to go talk to her, to find out if it was true. I asked him why he didn't just tell me and he said he panicked. He didn't want to hurt me..yet he hurt me anyways by sneaking around. I was in total shock.. This was all way too much to handle. It couldn't be his-it just couldn't be! But then he told me that when she was with the man that she left him for, he decided to get his revenge..and sleep with her while she was with the guy she had left him for. Of course..the ***** was sleeping with both of them. When she got dumped by the guy who thought he was the dad, she tried to file for child support and the paternity test came back negative.
So after almost two years, the truth finally came out.
He had a little girl that neither of us knew about.
Of course she started going all crazy on him, calling him a piece of **** for not being in his daughters life whom he had only just found out about. The next day we were supposed to go to see our favorite band..the band that we had seen together on our first date. There we would dance to our song like we always did and for once just forget about all the crazy **** that was happening. I waited for him to get off work so we could leave for the show..but then he said he had to make a quick deal before we left. It wasn't supposed to take long..and before I knew it hours went by and I hadn't heard anything from him. I was starting to think that he went to see her again. I was getting pretty upset that our plans got pushed aside yet again so he could make a deal. When he got back I found out that the reason he wasn't responding to me was because he had gotten robbed. He said that tonight was a huge eye opener for him, but the dealing never stopped. He then insisted that he had to go talk to HER that same night. He said that if he didn't go talk to her and her parents now, she would not let him see his daughter. It was already one thirty in the morning, and there is no reason it couldn't have waited..but I somehow trusted him enough to let him leave. I asked him what he planned on saying to her and her parents, "I'm having a baby with you and plan on marrying you, but I am still going to be in my other daughter's life." He said he would be right back and kissed me goodbye.
He was gone again till seven in the morning this time, and I stayed up all night again crying. I was emotionally drained. When he came back it was just more lies and a half-assed apology. He told me that they talked for awhile, and she showed him a suicide note that she wrote because she was so devastated that they weren't together anymore. She also told him that she had been addicted to perks for a year, and he said that he yelled at her for it and made her throw them away. He told me that she wasn't going to make him pay child support, and that she was willing to help him out financially and loan him money for a car. It was obvious to me that she was tempting him with money. The next couple days I was extremely emotional. I was still in shock about the other child. I didn't know how to process the information. It wasn't the most pleasant news you want to hear when you are 20 weeks pregnant. It was hard to accept that the woman I hated, the one who had slept with my man, also has a kid with him. Could things get any worse?
Of course they could.
It's understandable that he would be freaking out. But I don't believe that excuses what he did.
He was acting distant, angry, and stressed out. A month ago he had injured his knee, and I was worried that he was beginning to become addicted to pain killers. I was worried about him, and tried to express my concern but it seemed to make him angry. I was trying everything I could to show him that everything would be alright. I bought him chocolates and wrote him little notes. I woke up one morning and made him breakfast but still couldn't get a smile out of him. I regret begging him to tell me what was wrong, because it only caused me more pain. He told me that old feelings came up and he still cares about her.
"But you said she was a conniving manipulative *****!"
"She's not as bad as you think..."
He even told me that he *********** to her while we were together. Was he trying to hurt me as much as possible?
Suddenly it was like I was an option. He was the only man I ever thought about since the first night we were together and now I was an option. After everything she had done to him, how could he still have feelings for her? After almost a year and a half of being in love with me, how could he still be thinking about someone else? I just wanted him to show me that he wanted to be with me. He told me he loved me, but I wanted him to show it. He couldn't handle it all, and he started pushing me away. I just wanted to hug him and tell him how much I cared for him. I can't describe to you the pain I felt when I tried to put my arms around him and I got pushed four feet back. It was the first and the last time that ever happened. He suddenly said he needed space, that he just needed time to think. I thought it was a bad idea and just wanted to talk things through. He said if I didn't give him space I would end up pushing him away even more, so we slept apart that night. He walked me across the street to my apartment. He promised me that we were okay. That we would be fine he just needed some time to himself. He told me to focus on myself, and imagine the things I wanted for my life, but to not include him in those thoughts. "Don't worry about me" he said. Those couple days I really did what he said. I thought long and hard about everything. I read a book about zen, and realized how much I was living in the past. If I wanted our relationship to survive, I need to accept things for what they were and live in the present moment. I came to terms with the fact that he had a kid by another woman. I was willing to be a fair and loving stepmother. I had come to a lot of realizations, and was feeling a lot better about things. I was ready to talk to him, but he seemed like he was still avoiding me.
I kept asking if it was okay to come back over yet, and he said he would be over soon so we could talk. I was waiting for hours and it seemed that something was up. Then one of my friends who was over there buying pot texted me. She said that his roommate has slipped up and spilled the beans about seeing his ex's car leave that morning. It was then obvious that it had happened. He cheated on me with her again. I went over there, and waited for his friends to leave so we could talk. When he was out smoking a cigarette, I found a bottle of lube stashed behind his bed. "How could you do this to me??" I cried
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him as hard as I could. I wanted to kill her. It was only days ago when he looked me dead in the eye and promised me he would never hurt me like that again. He said it was stupid. It was hate sex. He said he was sorry, but it wasn't genuine like last time. It honestly seemed like he didn't even care that he might lose me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want it to be true. I loved him so much, and yet he completely betrayed me. I should have left him right then and there, but I wasn't strong enough. I knew if I left him now he would only fall right into her arms. I was conflicted. He said that no matter what he was still going to be there for me. He said he wouldn't abandon me and the baby.
The next day I came over and there she was. Sitting on our bed. I was instantly replaced.
He didn't even have the guts to tell me goodbye.
A couple days later I got all of my belongings out of his place. He moved her in just days later. I sat across the street; watching as her car pulled up to his place night after night.
I texted him day after day, trying to talk about what had happened. At first he said things like "I care more than you can possibly understand" and "I'm more sorry about this than anything I have ever done" but soon enough he stopped responding altogether. I wanted an explanation. I wanted closure. I analyzed things over and over again in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. Why did he pick her? Was it about sex? Money? Drugs? Or all of the above? I was more depressed than I had every been before. I couldn't eat..I couldn't sleep. I was losing weight and losing hair. I feared that I would have a miscarriage from all the stress. I didn't want to go on- the child in my womb was the only thing keeping me alive. The rest of my pregnancy was very dark.
I was 21 weeks pregnant and completely alone. Some of our mutual friends tried getting him to come talk to me...after all, I was having his child, and he could at least communicate with me for the baby's sake. Yet he hid away in his apartment but a few yards away, never having the bawls to come talk to me. Perhaps it was because he was too ashamed of what he had done that he dared not look me in the eyes. But at some point he would have to take responsibility for what he had done. He couldn't hide forever. He knew that he messed up, but was too stubborn to admit it. He'd rather pretend that he is happy with her, even if he is totally miserable, then own up to what he did.
I didn't understand why he would do this. We loved each other. I knew everything had to of been real. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I've never gotten the chance, and I don't know if I ever will. It drives me crazy not being able to tell him how I feel. I know I will never get him back, and I shouldn't want him back after everything he has done to me. The sad part is, I still love him. But I wonder sometimes if our whole relationship was a lie. If he ever truly loved me as much as I loved him. I wondered if he had been cheating on me the whole time.
Maybe he thought it was easier to be with her. After all, he knew exactly what to expect from her. He was scared, and ran to what he knew. He knew pain, and was comfortable with pain. I wonder, what causes people to go back to abusive relationships? Could it be their little self-worth? Does a part of them think they deserve the abuse? Obviously he was dealing with some of his own demons. But I felt he deserved better, he deserved to be happy. But why is it that a happy relationship scares most people? Maybe he never felt like he was good enough. I want to tell him, "Baby, you were always good enough for me-you just weren't good enough for you." Doesn't he realize that I loved him for who he was? Sure, he had a dark side..but he also had a side filled with light. I felt that we brought out the best in each other, but his ex brought out the worst. He was becoming a cold, heartless individual. I know deep down inside the caring, sweet man i know still exists, but he is lost. His bad boy persona took over, the boy who loves sex, drugs, and money. He has to be cool; he has to be popular. He wants to feel like a bad ***. But his false pretense is only a way to hide his insecurities. He puts on a show, and I've always seen right through it. He can't deal with his emotions, so he numbs himself with drugs. My worst fear came true, and he started to abuse painkillers with her. The drugs make him emotionless. Every time he gets high, it makes it easier for him to ignore me for one more day. Then the next one, and the next one. If he just gets messed up enough, he won't have to feel the pain. When he hurt me, I know that he also hurt himself. He can't deal with it, he can't express himself. He knows it's wrong to not be in his child's life, but the drugs will make him not care. Will he ever face reality? Sometimes I think, "Maybe if I just say this, he will finally realize." But nothing I say phases him. I can text my heart out but will never get a response. Why do I torture myself like this? I had to disappear for my own sanity. I moved out of my apartment..I couldn't move on as long as i had to drive by his apartment every day. I changed my number and stopped texting him..besides, would he even notice that it was changed? It's not like he ever tried to contact me. It had been 3 weeks since our daughter was born, and if he hadn't seen her yet I doubted he was going to try to see her anytime soon. He told me he was going to come see her one day, but never showed. So that was the last straw. I had to move on with my life. I had to try to forget about him. Imagine a life without him. Imagine a life for my daughter with no father.
A month went by and I was starting to feel okay without him. I heard from one of our mutual friends that he had noticed that my number was changed. I didn't want him to be able to use that as an excuse for not seeing his daughter, so I called him. That way, no one can say I didn't try my hardest. When we talked, he said he would call me back to let me know what day he could come over. That was almost a week ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if I should try calling him again, if there is something I should say to try to get him to come see her. I feel like the more I text him, the more pathetic I make myself look. I had all the power and I just gave it back to him all over again. I am tired of this stupid game. I wish I would have never called him. Ignoring him was finally beginning to get easy. After all, it seems like that is what he wanted. He was ignoring me and our daughter 100%, so it was apparent to me that he wanted to be left alone. But still I keep trying! Maybe it is time that I finally stop. I've done everything I can do haven't I? The opportunity is there, but he is the one who has to choose to see his daughter. I just wish I could bring him back to his senses..but maybe he is too far gone. Maybe it's the drugs? Or maybe he simply just doesn't care. He has said that he does, but his actions say otherwise. I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but he won't even talk to me. Maybe I just need to learn to let go of the things I can't control. But he has no one..he has shut out all the people who care about him, even his own parents. All he has is that crazy psychotic *****..and she controls every move he makes. Is he gone forever? Where do I go from here?
By:
IcyEyes
Age:
18-21
,
Female
