Failure To Communicate?

I've been lonely most of my life, since about the third grade. However, it was only recently that I began to feel as if I there isn't anybody in the world who would be able to listen to what it is that makes me sad without looking at me like I was some sort of sorry nut who stays attached to a single person.

Like I previously stated, I've grappled with loneliness for the greater portion of my life, but, at the beginning of this year, I met a girl who I started to talk to, and gradually began to open up to. We were assigned to each other for a project, and I had never connected with any partners I had been forced to work with before. However, it seemed to me that she made a conscious effort to get to know my opinions on what it was we were working on, which was something I wasn't used to at all. I was used to my previous partners being concerned with their portion of the work only. We began to discuss topics in the classes we shared, and passions in classes we didn't. The questions we asked each other soon became a bit more personal and much less school related. It was simple things at first; favorite television shows and plans for college. But, then the questions started to delve more into desires and feelings. I was, and still am, reserved, so it was her that kept conversations going and topics fresh. So, when she started to make rather flirty remarks, I fell in fluidly. This was something I was surprised at, for I had never had an intimate relationship with any girls at school, nor had a made as much as a pass at any of them. It made my heart race, how naturally we responded to each other's remarks, and how raunchy she would push them. Many developments in our relationship remained unspoken, so it was no surprise that we started to date. To me, everything that I thought meant that we were well passed the bonds of platonic affection showed. Because of this innate feeling I had, I felt comfortable telling this girl about my short comings, my fears, and my past, all of which made her open up to me as well. I was quite surprised to learn certain things about her, but they didn't make me look at her any differently. I thought the world of her. We would be around each other nearly every hour of every day, and anything that we felt we would discuss between us. Everything was in place for me to decide that I absolutely loved this girl. I didn't feel the need to tell her how I felt at the time. However, it quickly seemed that we were seeing less and less of each other, and that she didn't respond to me the way that I knew she used to. It got to the point where I thought she would just abandon me, so I broke down and told her exactly how I felt. She told me that she was afraid that I might have felt this way, and that she was sorry that the only feelings she felt for me were that of a friend. It struck me hard that she didn't feel that all that we had said to each other and all that we had done together made us anything more than friends. I had made it clear to her that I did not want us to be just friends with benefits, that this was not how I thought of us, and she could only apologize that I felt that way. After I had made my feelings clear, we had drifted apart rather quickly. We stopped seeing each other, and we wouldn't flirt or talk about meaningful things.

Now, I'm lucky if I talk to her over the phone once a week. I said I would still like to be her friend, and she said she would still like to be mine. However, it seems like we have nothing to say to each other anymore. Every time I try to talk to her, we always end up fighting about something stupid and meaningless. I want so much to be able to talk to her about how I feel. I want to tell her how sad and lonely I am. But she never seems to care about me anymore. Things have changed between us to the point where we no longer have an unspoken connection or common ground. She was the only person I was able to open up to, but now I have no one. I feel that the things she said to me before were lies, but I can't get that across to her. I feel like she only used me for pleasure, but she won't talk to me about it. I miss her, but I can't even see her anymore. The loneliness I felt before I met her has only multiplied BECAUSE of her. There's nobody I can talk to anymore, and I've laid awake nights, crying because of that. I feel like I've lost the most precious thing I've ever possessed because I misjudged it's worth. That it's my fault that i feel this way because I fell in love with a girl who, ultimately, was not even remotely interested in being romantically involved with me. I feel like an idiot, and that i'll never be able to make girl feel about me the same way I feel about her.

All I wonder now is if I should have laid everything out before I got involved with the this girl. That I should have said I wanted to be with her, and asked if she wanted to be with me.
Ofapollo9295 Ofapollo9295
18-21, M
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

Thank you very much for your input. How young I am is something I've thought about. I've wondered if what I felt with this girl was just fake, just "fake teen love". Even if that's the case, it still hurts that she lead me on the way she did.

I can only hope that things will get better. I'm not so confident that any relationship that I MAY get into will come as naturally as they did with her, however.

I have tried to let her go, but I'm so used to going to her for everything that I find myself trying to talk to her about things SHE is making me feel. But I don't think she'll miss me, or at least not in the way I miss her. We've had "talks" (more like fights) over what we both think love is. She made it clear to me that she thought love "most certainly does not involve commitment", which is the diametric opposite to how I see it. So, even if she did love me, it wouldn't be the same feeling between us.

The only thing I can tell myself is that we're just not compatible anymore. But that doesn't make me miss her any less, or make her feel any differently about the situation.

But thank you again. Thanks for the healing vibes and the wishes of wisdom.

Hi there..

Wow....when I read what you posted, I honestly felt what you are going through. I've been there. several times. And I know the feeling of not having anyone understand who you are or what you're about.

Please do not think I am trivializing what you're feeling because I swear I'm not. But that fact is that you are still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you and while this may not mean much now, believe me when I say- you will meet new people. ALOT of new people. The planet has over 6 billion people and with you very few years here on earth, you are far from your peak.

But here's the sucky reality. It maay not get better. Lol. I'm 34. And I still feel heartbroken and disappointed at life sometimes. BUT you will feel better and more in control as time passes. You will find friends who matter, work that matters, causes that matters and if you're lucky, you may find love.

You will also understand that you may not need everything to be happy. Truly happy.

For now, let this girl go. It will be sooo hard at the start but it is necessary. This will give you a time to break the habit of having her around all the time,help you heal a little and maybe help to give you some perspective. More importantly, it maay give her the space she needs to miss you and hopefully want to see you more.

Even if she doesn't. Understand that this really does prove that there are people in the world who do understand you and soon, you will find more.

I wish you all the happiness in the world and the wisdom to know that this too shall pass. Sending you lots of healing vibes