Insanity

Totally agreed with you on this one for a long time. After one positive but suppressed trip (suppressed due to my having to keep my co-tripping friend from having a mental breakdown on it), I had two excruciatingly horrific trips. In one, I kept having this really intense feeling of going up, up, up and then PLUMmetting back down. In retrospect, that could have been a replay of a real-life terrifying experience I'd had on a theme park ride a few years before. Never made that connection til now!... Anyway, the second awfully horrible trip was soon after that one. I was determined to have some 'me time' with a tab and art supplies, in the hopes that I'd get creatively inspired etc. What actually happened was I felt terrible and had to have a shower and then kept hearing a really strong voice commanding me to kill myself. So yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. I've been trying to figure that one out since.

Those first three (one would-have-been-good-except-for-freaking-out-friend and two very bad) trips were3.5 years ago. I took acid again once or twice about a year ago and just rode it out. It was freaky and scary but I was able to handle it much better. I was stronger and more prepared and more emotionally/psychically stable than two and a half years previously, when I first took it.

It's definitely not something to take in the wrong situation - social/emotional/whatever - but it has some sort of allure that I can't explain.

Also, I know exactly what you mean by knowing too much and that keeping you apart from other people. I had this two, only coming out of it now. Some say it's gnosticism - like Jesus/Buddha etc. But I find the information/awareness utterly terrifying and isolating. I miss aspects of it - that connection to the 'divine/spirit/whatever you want to call it/psychosis', the synchronicities, the ridiculously accurate and clear perception of people's drives and motivations. I had the hatred for all humanity thing when I was around 10 - when I was first suicidal but this latest 'episode', it's been more of a profound pity feeling for humanity. I know I'm missing something because when the famous Jesus/Buddha/etc Gnostics had this understanding and awareness, they didn't hate, they loved. That's something I'm working on now.

Figure out your own way - pay attention to where the paranoias come from and look right into fear's face. I have the agoraphobia that stops me from leaving the house if I'm not working and makes me uncomfortable around strangers, whereas when I first moved to a larger city for college, like you, I had no problem at all making instant friends with strangers etc.

But I realise it's part of my nature not to go along with the crowd, be different and not agree with the status quo. You're probably a bit like that too. Damned if I'm going to let that drive me to the ground before my time! There are lots of 'weirdos' or 'in-betweeners' in the world. We find each other eventually.