Second Chance

I don't even know where to start with this.  I don't really know what this website's about but i need to get this out of my system.  I've had a really bad day, a bad week, month year.. life.  I just received the results for my degree and I came out with a 2:1.  I'm really relieved that i didn;t get a 2:2 because I need a 2:1 to get onto my Masters course so it's great and I'm really pleased but I cant help beating myelf up for not trying harder and getting a 1st.  as usual i did the bare minimum and luckily for me it paid off.  But hey, get over it I can deal with that.  Hwat bothers me is the fact that I spent the evening (when I should hav been out celebrating with my friends) staying in by myself, drinking.  I told my parents my results and didn;t get so much as a 'welldone'. so here i am beating myself up for my **** life.  I constantly pray that I could start again and do everything right instead of wrong.

I never fitted in as a child, always the black sheep.  I was bullied at school and was a total oddball.  A member of the family died when I was 9 and I never got over it.  It was really hard because no one spoke about it and so I felt like no body cared.  I was building higher and thicker walls around myself constantly, trying to protect myself from the pain. Not that it helped.  My dad was always ill and this meant that he was always either in bed or in a foul mood taking it out on the rest of us.  I was raped by my friend's brother at the age of 13 and he followed this with constant threats and insults which led to a second rape and my total seclusion from everyone around me.  I totally closed myself off from everyone around me, in order to protect myself and keep my secret.  I was told that if I spoke out that everyone would hate me and that they wouldn’t believe me.  he also said that he would find me and kill me if I told anyone.  so i didn;t. not for 5 years.  I also couldn't wear a skirt for 5 and a half years because that is what i was wearing when he first attacked me and I somehow blamed for the attack.  He destroyed me. 

I couldnt concentrate on my school work, I was severely depressed and to make things worse things with my family were worse than ever and I was constantly picked on at school for the way I looked, part of which was my desperate attempt to conceal my body, and my shame, from the world.  I comfort ate and began to put on weight.  as I got fatter and hated myself more and more I turned to cigarettes and self-harm to comfort myself, as well as food. i still bare the scars and the weight. When i was 15 i was in an armed robbery.  i was buying cigarettes and had a gun held in my face by one guy and there was another with a machete.  both wore masks.  this was a terrifying and traumatic experience but afterwards I found myself beating myself up for not taking the opportunity to try to end my life. To make things worse, at the same time my dad had been rushed into hospital for emergency surgery having nearly died from walking around with a burst appendix for 2 weeks. later, during a news years party i did try to end my life.  feeling that i was a failure and that my family did not love me i got very drunk, slashed my arms to shreds and tried to throw myself under a car but my friends stopped me. after years of abusing myself and feeling disconnected from everyone i met a guy and we had a short but very happy relationship. i was trying to lose weight and was feeling happier about myself until he started to push me away because his mother was ill with cancer and I was planning to leave for university.  then my own dad found out that he had cancer but i refused to go back to the torturous life i had led and was determined to be positive.  after weeks of butterflies in my stomach, sickness and sadness i recovered from breaking up with my boyfriend and learned to cope wiht my fathers illness.  i was about to go to uni and start fresh.  this is what i did.

my first night i went o the uni night club alone, relishing my new found confidence and good looks. i attracted lots of guys and friends and got lots of numbers.  i was enjoying myself although still not really respecting myself, seeing lots of guys at he same time but was also making friends.  then i decided that i should choose one guy to see properly rather than sleeping around. in hindsight it is clear that i picked the wrong one. i fell deeply in love with an alcoholic and spent a year in an intense and passionate relationship with him. he would drink a litre of gin or vodka a day or at least 4 bottles of wine, or  a box of wine. due to the fact that the previously mentioned family member died from excessive alcohol and my previous abuse of it i was t-total when i began uni and altho this changed i never became a very heavy drinker.  he was violent and abusive and the relationship wsas not a happy one and i did cheat on him.  i could not leave him because i loved him so much and still do.  i cheated because i knew the relationship wouldnt last and i was trying to embrace some kind of normality and comfort elsewhere. i had terrible, painful bruises but i couldnt bare to leave him because i loved him and i hated myself. He tried to strangle me twice.  he said he would cut down and one time he did go t-total but had a fit because hed been drinking for so long his brain couldnt cope without the alcohol. he was also a diabetic and an anorexic and so his organs and rest of body were trashed. he had been told that he had to stop drinking or he would die.  however i believed him when he said that he wiould stop and that he wanted to marry me and have children with me.  i knew he wouldnt live long enough to see our children grow up and so i couldnt do it.  when we finally broke up i was distraught but it had been coming for a while.  after nearly 2 months i woke in the middle of the night bleeding and with terrible cramps.  i had to run to the shower, blood pouring down my legs and sit in the shower until the bleeding slowed. i was terrified and in shock.  i continued to bleed for a few days and when i saw a doctor he told me, with no emotion or sensitivity at all that i had 'most likely had a miscarriage' and that was it. i told my ex boyfriend but he didnt care and i had to deal with it alone.  it took a long time to learn to cope with it. my uni work suffered and i have put on 4 and a half stone.  it has now been over 1 and a half years and i amstill a wreck.

i so want to move on but it is so hard at the moment.  i need a full-time job in order to pay for my masters but i cannot find a job, i have applied for over 20 jobs but have had no luck as yet.  my over-weight-ness really ruins my quality if life.  i hate that i am not attractive anymore and that people dont compliment me anymore. i have 2 wardrobes full of clothes that i cannot fit into.  i hate myself and cant bare to leave the house unless i have to. im finding it really really hard to lsoe weight and my weight really holds me back from doing what i want. i am so lonely and stressed aobut money, i cant afford to pay my rent or my phone bill and i really need a miracle. i am so thankful that i got the results i need but now i need a job and to lose lots of weight so i can meet people and find love again.there are only 3 ppl that know vaguely any of the stuff i have just verbal-vomited onto the screen and 2 of them are the ex-boyfriends and are out of the picture now. i really needed to get al of this out and there is even more i should probably say but i cannot cope with anymore now, i am exhausted. if anyone out there has any tips for finding a miracle then i would welcome your reply.

never give up. everyone can find love and happiness. live for the moment x