I am Very Depressed And Feel Sad All The Time

 

I was fostered from 4 months to 14 years, mentally, sexually and physically abused by the family.

At 14 I was sent to a boarding school on my request, just could not make friends. At 17 the boarding school basically kicked me out without notice at 17 with £35 in my pocket, 3 suitcases and an address in London which was a children’s home. At 17 I worked for a small company for 15 years, where again I was verbally abused and eventually made redundant (sacked I call it) with out warning. From 19 to 28 I was in a abusive relationship where I finally broke free from. During this time I was bullied, intimidated by neighbours who eventually local kids got their mothers to start trouble with me which resulted me being dragged from my front door and beaten by three adults where they kicked and punched me in the head and spine in front of my at the time 10 year old daughter, the reason was a local girl accused me of hitting her (totally untrue). My daughter was being bullied by all the local kids and being physically attacked several times. She was eventually raped at 14. We finally moved more than 30 miles away. And a near tragic situation happened where my daughter was befriended by 2 girls 3 days after her 18th birthday, who drove her miles away, accused her of fancying one of their boyfriends and was dragged from the car down a quite lane, a knife was put to her throat threatening to kill her and they beat her to the ground and tried to wrap her up in barb wire which has left scars, they left her there at 3am. January this year, both girls got found guilty and got 3 and half years each. On top of all of this, I do not have any family to turn too, not one friend. Please believe me, I’m not a weird person, in fact, I always smile and say hi to my neighbours, I help them where I can, I do not look bad for 40. My daughter is a beautiful girl that avoids friendships with other girls because of what she has experienced which is understandable. I can’t stress enough, that I am not weird looking, I don’t behave odd, I just go about my business and am polite to people I meet, yet when I take my dog for a walk, there are times my neighbours give me dirty looks or ignore me. I took on a cat from the close I live in because it was abandoned, and one of my neighbours accused me once of not feeding him (she keeps putting food out for him) she keeps texting me to move him from her door mat because his setting of her dogs???????, I don’t understand why I get treated so bad, I can understand I was unlucky as a child, but when is the hate towards me going to end? I’m so depressed and so so lonely. I try to stay strong for my daughter, avoid crying because she will see my eyes that swell after. I have no one to talk to and I have no where to turn. I’m forty and have considered going to the social services for some kind of support and someone to talk too. I Really don’t know what to do or where to turn, this is not a feeling I have just had, its been like this for years and now its taking its toll on me. I cannot kill myself for my daughters sake as she will be alone. I just exist, I don’t live.

nicole209 nicole209
36-40, F
Jul 21, 2010