I Think I Do
I don't think I have ever been "adored" in the romantic sense. I think I have always been the one doing the adoring in every relationship I have ever had. Perhaps I have been loved a time or two but I don't think a man has ever been head over heels in love with me.
I am lovable enough. The fact is that I have always done a poor job of choosing men to get involved with. I've tried too hard to build relationships when the foundation just wasn't right, or there at all.
I was 21 when I met my husband, and he was 32. He seemed solid and dependable and I knew that he would make a good husband. For some reason that seems insane to me now I was in an incredible rush to settle down and start "a life." It didn't occur to a 21 year old me that I already had a life and I didn't have to get married to be making progress, and moving ahead.
If I am being honest, one of the major reasons I decided to marry him is because I thought he would adore me. I was several years younger, came without baggage, (he had an ex-wife and a 9 year old daughter) and I was and still am a caretaker. I reveled in taking care of him, cooking for him, and keeping a clean and comfortable home. I did all the things I thought a "good" wife did, and was happy to do them. I always worked a full time job but never questioned that the house was also my responsibility, as was the cooking.
I thought that he would feel incredibly lucky to have me. I did my best to take care of his every need, and anticipate them whenever possible. I know I sound like some subserviant housewife, circa 1950, but I loved it. I loved him very much and I wanted to make him happy. Really, the joke was on me. Not only did he not adore me (hahaha) but he didn't even seem to notice half of what I did.
12 years later I am not that needy, naive girl anymore. I don't need to be adored to validate my worth as a person, as a woman. I'd still like to be adored someday, by someone, but not for the same reasons. I don't want to be adored or appreciated simply because of what I can offer a man, in terms of taking care of him. I want to be adored because of who I am. I want someone who genuinely wants to know my thoughts, my feelings, and is interested in learning what makes me tick. I want someone who might appreciate all of the things about me that my husband was never interested in even discovering.