I Think I Do

I don't think I have ever been "adored" in the romantic sense. I think I have always been the one doing the adoring in every relationship I have ever had. Perhaps I have been loved a time or two but I don't think a man has ever been head over heels in love with me.

I am lovable enough.  The fact is that I have always done a poor job of choosing men to get involved with. I've tried too hard to build relationships when the foundation just wasn't right, or there at all.

I was 21 when I met my husband, and he was 32. He seemed solid and dependable and I knew that he would make a good husband. For some reason that seems insane to me now I was in an incredible rush to settle down and start "a life." It didn't occur to a 21 year old me that I already had a life and I didn't have to get married to be making progress, and moving ahead.

If I am being honest, one of the major reasons I decided to marry him is because I thought he would adore me. I was several years younger, came without baggage, (he had an ex-wife and a 9 year old daughter) and I was and still am a caretaker. I reveled in taking care of him, cooking for him, and keeping a clean and comfortable home. I did all the things I thought a "good" wife did, and was happy to do them. I always worked a full time job but never questioned that the house was also my responsibility, as was the cooking.

I thought that he would feel incredibly lucky to have me. I did my best to take care of his every need, and anticipate them whenever possible. I know I sound like some subserviant housewife, circa 1950, but I loved it. I loved him very much and I wanted to make him happy. Really, the joke was on me. Not only did he not adore me (hahaha) but he didn't even seem to notice half of what I did.

12 years later I am not that needy, naive girl anymore.  I don't need to be adored to validate my worth as a person, as a woman. I'd still like to be adored someday, by someone, but not for the same reasons. I don't want to be adored or appreciated simply because of what I can offer a man, in terms of taking care of him. I want to be adored because of who I am. I want someone who genuinely wants to know my thoughts, my feelings, and is interested in learning what makes me tick. I want someone who might appreciate all of the things about me that my husband was never interested in even discovering.

autimom autimom
31-35, F
6 Responses Nov 13, 2008

Thank you, Bitlord. I am so happy for you that you have found someone to adore, and adore you.<br />
<br />
I know that this time I won't settle.

I'm sorry you've been treated so badly Autimom.<br />
I found out for myself a long while ago that I require to be needed.<br />
Once I figured that out, I let myself run with it, and Rita and Nancy have been adored by me, for being themselves, with all their faults.<br />
You know about Rita, and the trouble we had, yet, because I let myself be who I am, I was able to love her, even at the rather terrible end.<br />
Now I have Nancy, who has her own faults and weaknesses, and whom I allow myself to adore, even when she insists on watching inane T.V. until all hours. I'm developing a taste for "sex and the city" reruns, clothes shopping, shoe shopping, comparative bargain hunting and all the things she loves.<br />
I hope you do find someone who will adore you, look at you with those puppy dog eyes, see the kalidoscope behind your eyes, and love you all your life.<br />
You've earned it.

yaa, women with women is cool

IT, you are a sweetheart. If only two women COULD get married,...maybe someday. I sure hope anyway!<br />
<br />
Moon--You are a wonderful, incredible man. Your wife is a fool.

I think we do constantly change, although it may be more subtle. I know that I am so very, very different than I was at 22. Life has changed me, my struggles have changed me, and I have just grown as a person. It seems very "New Agey" but it is so damn true. Wisdom and clarity come with age, which is why I think I am drawn so much to people in their 40's and 50's. They have so much insight to offer. Senior citizens, also, have so much to offer if you stop and listen to them. So many people dismiss what they might say thinking times have changed and they couldn't possibly understand things that you might think apply to "today." Some things are timeless, and the more you live the more you learn. I try to stop and listen.

Hmm. I think I've come to realize that too, though you managed to fr<x>ame it much better than I ever could. I never solidified my thoughts that far, but I agree with you totally.<br />
<br />
Something else I've struggled with is how to keep someone's attention. Once they get to know you, and adore you, then what? I feel like I always have to have hidden parts of myself for them to discover, or they'll get bored of who I am. That who I am isn't enough if it's not constantly moving, growing, and changing.