It Feels Like No Place On Earth Is Home To MeI feel like I'm in a hostile environment. I can't express my true feelings because I am weird and I'm afraid of being called crazy. I can't relate to most people anyway.
It's not that I have any additional insight or psychic ability. I don't. What I'm trying to say is that I'm crazy. I have delusions and I sometimes worry if I have a psychotic disorder.
I'm just a delusional freak who was born with a different view of the world fueled by a vivid imagination. As a child I believed in energy and I tried to picture it even though I was just like everybody else and couldn't see anything more. I always imagined the energy in the air and I tried to imagine it flowing to certain ob
I believed my life was being influenced and I still do.
My odd beliefs made me react differently than most people. I had a convenient bit of serendipity and I stumbled upon something that just wasn't within society's norms. I stumbled upon two websites about witchcraft when I was looking for something unrelated and it drew my attention. They were just information sites but they used the exact language that seemed to appeal to me. They spoke in terms of energy and influencing it. It was ba
I actually tried to mention one of the misconceptions and clear something up when a person attempted to make a gender joke on halloween. I wanted to say that a witch can be male or female and that a gender joke about a male witch doesn't actually work but I started by citing my source. As soon as I mentioned the website I was hushed. Everyone told me to shut up and stay away from the website.
Again I want to emphasize that I'm not, nor am I trying to convince you that I am special in any way. I just think in a different way. I don't fit in with ordinary people because of the way I think but I don't fit in with people who actually have insight because I don't. I'm just stuck in the middle and I have no home. I don't belong in any group of people so I always feel like I'm a foreigner.
It's actually the same with people who have aspergers and people who don't. I'm an odd case of an aspie in that I was just barely diagnosed ba
I do things that my diagnosis says I shouldn't be able to do. I surprised my parents by how good I was at figuring people out and reading body language in spite of having aspergers. They were frustrated because they wanted to be able to keep secrets from their kids but it wasn't any easier with me than it was with my brothers. Some people figure they don't need to hide anything from me and it actually gives me an advantage. People let their guards down and it allows me to see right through them. They don't realize they still need to make an effort to hide. My parents believed I couldn't lie for so long that they just assumed I was telling the truth. Imagine getting away with every single lie for seventeen years. I did until I confessed to a big secret I had been keeping all my life. I won't go into it but until I told them I was lying they just assumed I couldn't. I'm not your typical aspie and I will pick up on things that you wouldn't expect a person with aspergers to notice. This is why I don't fit in the aspergers program at my school. The kids in the program seem so selfish. It's not a stereotype. They really do act that way and it drives me nuts.
Don't think I just don't realize what symptoms I'm displaying. Many aspies have that problem but that's not it. I see my symptoms but I also see the absence of others. I have been in a few typical awkward aspergers situations but it's like I'm half and half. I don't fit in anywhere because I'm in between. I'm in limbo.
It's no fun being in the middle.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I think I'm going to travel a lot just because there is no place that feels like home. I have wanderlust because I am homeless in a sense. I'm an outsider and it feels like I'm from another world or a different time. I want to go home but my home doesn't exist. I don't know where it is because it's gone. I'd be home when I'm in a society or group of people that understand me and welcome me but there is no place like that. Most people are rational but I am delusional. I know I'm just delusional but it still affects me. I have to rationalize myself out of everything to blend in. I can't just keep fighting my inner feelings but I have to. I want a place where I can come out of this protective shell and be me. I want to go home.
chrysalid 18-21, F 3 Responses 0 Sep 17, 2011