It Feels Like No Place On Earth Is Home To Me

I feel like I'm in a hostile environment. I can't express my true feelings because I am weird and I'm afraid of being called crazy. I can't relate to most people anyway.

It's not that I have any additional insight or psychic ability. I don't. What I'm trying to say is that I'm crazy. I have delusions and I sometimes worry if I have a psychotic disorder.

I'm just a delusional freak who was born with a different view of the world fueled by a vivid imagination. As a child I believed in energy and I tried to picture it even though I was just like everybody else and couldn't see anything more. I always imagined the energy in the air and I tried to imagine it flowing to certain objects. I once tried to send energy to a sports team which is silly considering I only cared because my family cared. I hated watching sports.
I believed my life was being influenced and I still do.

My odd beliefs made me react differently than most people. I had a convenient bit of serendipity and I stumbled upon something that just wasn't within society's norms. I stumbled upon two websites about witchcraft when I was looking for something unrelated and it drew my attention. They were just information sites but they used the exact language that seemed to appeal to me. They spoke in terms of energy and influencing it. It was based on a similar concept to the one I just believed in for no reason. They also had a section that was meant to try and clarify stigma. It was for the masses of people that had common opinions.

I actually tried to mention one of the misconceptions and clear something up when a person attempted to make a gender joke on halloween. I wanted to say that a witch can be male or female and that a gender joke about a male witch doesn't actually work but I started by citing my source. As soon as I mentioned the website I was hushed. Everyone told me to shut up and stay away from the website.

Again I want to emphasize that I'm not, nor am I trying to convince you that I am special in any way. I just think in a different way. I don't fit in with ordinary people because of the way I think but I don't fit in with people who actually have insight because I don't. I'm just stuck in the middle and I have no home. I don't belong in any group of people so I always feel like I'm a foreigner.

It's actually the same with people who have aspergers and people who don't. I'm an odd case of an aspie in that I was just barely diagnosed based on meeting half the criteria.

I do things that my diagnosis says I shouldn't be able to do. I surprised my parents by how good I was at figuring people out and reading body language in spite of having aspergers. They were frustrated because they wanted to be able to keep secrets from their kids but it wasn't any easier with me than it was with my brothers. Some people figure they don't need to hide anything from me and it actually gives me an advantage. People let their guards down and it allows me to see right through them. They don't realize they still need to make an effort to hide. My parents believed I couldn't lie for so long that they just assumed I was telling the truth. Imagine getting away with every single lie for seventeen years. I did until I confessed to a big secret I had been keeping all my life. I won't go into it but until I told them I was lying they just assumed I couldn't. I'm not your typical aspie and I will pick up on things that you wouldn't expect a person with aspergers to notice. This is why I don't fit in the aspergers program at my school. The kids in the program seem so selfish. It's not a stereotype. They really do act that way and it drives me nuts.

Don't think I just don't realize what symptoms I'm displaying. Many aspies have that problem but that's not it. I see my symptoms but I also see the absence of others. I have been in a few typical awkward aspergers situations but it's like I'm half and half. I don't fit in anywhere because I'm in between. I'm in limbo.

It's no fun being in the middle.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I think I'm going to travel a lot just because there is no place that feels like home. I have wanderlust because I am homeless in a sense. I'm an outsider and it feels like I'm from another world or a different time. I want to go home but my home doesn't exist. I don't know where it is because it's gone. I'd be home when I'm in a society or group of people that understand me and welcome me but there is no place like that. Most people are rational but I am delusional. I know I'm just delusional but it still affects me. I have to rationalize myself out of everything to blend in. I can't just keep fighting my inner feelings but I have to. I want a place where I can come out of this protective shell and be me. I want to go home.
chrysalid chrysalid
18-21, F
4 Responses Sep 17, 2011

I found this that seems to help people with advice. I just thought I should tell people.

I want to go home too.. U should go on YouTube and look up dolores cannon .. She had answers for people like us good luck

You said, "I wish I knew more so I could respond to you". Have you been reading my other stories? Have you been confused about everything or could you get more insight by looking at everything?

I want to comment but not sure what to say. It's no fun being in the middle. I've heard of asper but don't truly know the full meaning. I know it has something to do with not fitting in and having trouble with relationships. I wish I knew more so i could respond more to youl. Though, I can relate to your feeling that you don't fit in and feeling different., seeing the world differently, wanting a home but not knowing what that home is nor where it is. You say you're not psychic but you also can see through people. I don't know what this means? I've been told that I can see some people so clearly and yet I've often missed some very obvious traits about abusive people since I come from an abusive home. <br />
<br />
I feel your confusion and your sense of loss about feeling different and that's what I want you to know. I hear you. velvetflow

I said that when people know I have asperger's they don't even bother trying to make their lies convincing because they expect me to be oblivous to all forms of nonverbal communication. I never said I could see through people, I said that people underestimate me and that makes it easier to figure them out.

If someone actually used the same caution around me as they would somebody else, he/she would probably have no trouble fooling me. It's happened before.

I'm not psychic, I just have an advantage by being able to read some forms of nonverbal communication while not being expected to. That's why I feel like I'm in the middle, there are some signals that I really am oblivoius to but there are other social cues that I will pick up on and I can actually be better in some areas than neurotypicals.

I heard from my father that I just barely met the diagnostic criteria but I still had enough for a diagnosis. The problem is that I don't fit in with people who have aspergers and I don't fit in with people that don't have it. Who does that leave?