I Choose Sex In Place Of Love And Wonder Why I Get Hurt

I was deeply scarred by a childhood of abuse and neglect and a high school relationship with a literal psychopath.  He got inside my head and destroyed the few shreds of self esteem I had.  He made me feel crazy and I lost all of my friends.  I feared for my safety when I was with him, but was completely addicted to feeling loved --- even though he could be SO CRUEL.  I guess I needed love so badly because I never felt like my parents loved me.  Since then I have fallen for a married man which obviously didn't work, and had a long and very dysfunctional relationship that started with a drunken hookup and turned into 5 years of pointless fighting and the guy finally cheating on me (or was he cheating the whole time and only got caught once?).

Now all I look for in a relationship is the instant gratification of sex.  The guy that I have been hooking up with for the last year and a half just dumped me and wouldn't say why.  Even though we kept our distance other than our sexual encounters, I still managed to fall in love with the motherf-cker.  Now I am so devastated and can't even process my feelings because I don't understand what happened.  Just two days before he texted me to say he wasn't going to see me anymore, he had been over and acting still very into me!  He may not have had the same feelings for me that I have for him, but it seemed to be at least a LITTLE more than just sex to him.  At any rate, it doesn't matter now.  All I have left are some of the most beautiful memories of my life, and buckets of tears.

I just want to feel loved in the same way that I love others.  I guess I don't feel like I deserve it myself even though I so very much want to share my love with other people.

 

cssoulsearching cssoulsearching
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

Stop sleeping with guys. Put yourself in the celibate group for at least 4 years. You aren't looking for sex, you are giving sex hoping to get love and that is never going to work. For 4 years, do not seek a romantic relationship, instead build friendly relationships and use that time to deal with your lack of confidence. Start healing yourself by seeking approval from friends that you make. This doesn't mean subsuming yourself for other peoples needs, it means finding ways to give back to your community in ways that you enjoy and are healthy for you. That might be community improvement clubs, charity groups or sports etc. Then when you can appreciate yourself, there is a chance someone else can appreciate you. If you don't value yourself, no one else will either.