The Only Thing I Ever Wanted to Be Is a Mommy.
I am happily married to the most wonderful and caring man in the world. I have a son from a previous relationship and my Husband has a daughter from a previous marriage. We've been together 7 years, married four years. It sounds like I should be happy, right? I'm not. :(
The original plan was for us to ahve a child together. I'm one of those people who was born to be a Mother. Ever since I was two years old, all I ever wanted to be is a Mommy. My Husband promised me we would try for a child togehter. That was after we'd been dating for a year. Fast forward three more years. I turn 30, which terrifies me, since all the women in my family have had trouble conceiving after 30. My Husband knows this, but still no mention of a baby. He keeps talking about "in a couple of years", which turns to "maybe in five years". Fast forward to last year. I finally called him on it. He has noo intention of ever having another child. His ExWife pretty much forced him into having their daughter (he'd wanted her, but not for several more years), and by the time my stepdaughter was born, the relationship was deteriorated irreversably. Now he has a child, who he'd die for, who he pretty much has to bend ofer and kiss her Mother's butt in order to ensure that he will be "allowed" to be his daughter's Dad. On top of this, about four years ago, he had some serious unexpected court issues (nothing to do with his daughter or her Mother) and literally almost lost everything. He tells me life is just too risky to chance bringing another child into the world. He's apparently felt this way for at least three years now, but he never said a word, even when he knew how much it was killing me, and he made the decision himself, without even running it by me or letting me know that he'd made a decision about it- we will have no more children. This hurts as bad, maybe even more, than the fact that I will never be a Mom again. Leaving him is not an option- we are strongly bonded to eachother and to eachother's children and we've been through Hell together several times over. Perhaps that's why the betrayal hurt so badly, because it's the only time it's ever happend from either of us. I've had many "helpful" suggestions from friends and family- trick him into getting me pregnant, leave him, force him, cheat on him and don't tell him. etc. I couldn't live with myself if I did any of those. I honestly wish I could. I have to face the fact that my son will be 14 soon, his daughter is now 8, and there will be no more children, I will never have another tiny baby, little child to call my own, and my time as an active "parent" is limited- the kids are growing up and won't need me anymore, not like a CHILD needs a parent. This is something I think about every day, something that kills me every time another friend or family member has another baby, every time one of my children has another birthday or passes another stage and I have to pretend I'm happy for them (Yay! It's your birthday! Yay, you're a teenager now!) when I'm dying inside. Anyone ever hear the some, "What Hurts the Most"? That's my song, my story.