I Want Children and My Husband Doesn't!

My husband and i have been happily married for 3 years and were together for four years before marriage. I was always under the impression that we would have children at some stage. He always said one day maybe, which i guess at 24 years and getting married it is a maybe. Recently a lot of my friends have started families. When people have asked us if we are having a family i have always said maybe one day, and never thought anything of it. But lately i have decided that i would really like to have children. i told my husband one morning that i would really like to have a family and to my shock he said "well i don't". I asked him why and he said i just don't. He was un willing to talk about it. i feel his feelings for not wanting children are based on financial reasons as well as materialistic. i believe he would be a great father but it might take having his own for him to realise how awesome it can be. i don't want to lose my husband i love him so much, but i also feel a great desire to have children.

katvan katvan
9 Responses Jul 20, 2009

Hi katana, my wife wants kids but we have been trying for 10 yrs.We are in our 40s and 6 months ago I had a heart attack witch left me helplessly unstable.I can't feel anything from my waist down to my toes, and my hands and arms and part of my face is num like my mouth and chin.I was diagnosed with neuropathy witch is nerve damage.I have lost my manhood and can't make love to my wife anymore, and now she has to take care of me like a baby.She has to diaper and change me, feed me bath me and believe it or not she treats me like I'm her baby.I love my wife with all my heart and if she wants to treat me like her baby, by feeding me baby food with a baby spoon and a bib tied around my neck even nurse me by bottle feeding me I let her and she wants to read me a story I let her.So she told me she got her baby.Its been like this for about 3-4 yrs now.I'm never going to get my feelings back so now Im enjoying being her baby and so does my wife.I like getting my
diapers checked and changed and my wife likes to check all the time.I love being her baby.

how did any of these relationships/marriages end up?? I see the same thing on so many sites. And yes, I understand most of them. My husband of 5 years (8 together) recently decided he does not see himself having children. He always said "not yet" and someday. I have tried in 1 year I will stop birth control, but there were more excuses. And when he made the recent declaration I asked if he realized that by saying that he was forcing me to make a big decision. Apparently he didn't and he waffled. So we agreed to wait a year & see how our marriage was and how he felt. Now 6 months later, he is saying he is still not seeing himself with kids and at one point said he wants to change our life.<br />
So back to my original question, how did you decide? Can anyone answer? What happened to those who stayed with him? and what happened when to those that left? I know every guy and every relationship is different. But can it really be that different if we all have the same feelings? I read over and over about the agony of being in this situation. But never on any site have I seen the comments after. Maybe once the decision is made we don't want to look back & never come back to these sites and chat rooms.<br />
I really hope that if I can find a happy ending for myself that I remember to come back and tell those feeling hopeless about it. I really have to keep hoping the right decision comes to me.

After months of talking and plenty if tears, my husband has compromised and we are actually no both excited about the prospect. However I had come to the decision that I was willing to end the marriage in order to seek future happiness. I put this to my husband and he after months of dwelling, decided our marriage meant too much to give up on it.

All I can say is talk and talk about be open be about how you feel, and kept at it. However set a time limit yourself on how long you are willingly to wait for them to commit to children.

After a marriage that should have never been , disasterous from the beginning, I divorced and remarried a man who found out the day before our wedding that he had terminal cancer and passed away a few years later. We had no children, I was pregnant shortly after we married but miscarried. Now I am married to someone whom I had been friends with casually for a long time we got together about three years ago and married a year later. He is my perfect match and I never knew how happy another person could make my life. I have a son who is pretty much grown, but I would love to have a child with my husband, I want something that would be our legacy together, something to erase all of the bad that was in our previous lives, and a new beginning for our lives. But he has a million excuses of why we shouldn't, from age, to money, what people would think. the work that goes into having and raising a baby...I would never force him to making the decision to have a child, I will just have to live with the concequences of never getting to have a second chance at being a mom, I think about it everyday and hope maybe just maybe I will hear him say "Lets try" We both have had not such good lives before we got together and now we truely enjoy one another, we have the same expectations of what our relationship should be except for the baby thing. How can I make him understand how much of a hole this leaves in my soul??? I am running out of time. Adoption is not an option for him.

I am dealing with the same thing, he just will not talk about it.<br />
<br />
We used to talk about having kids and why we wanted to have kids a lot. I do not understand why we cannot talk about why he has changed his mind. It is so disappointing and a little scary. Sometimes he says, "Maybe someday." He tells me to not worry about it, wants me to stop thinking about it, but what if he never changes his mind? What if my desire grows and grows?<br />
<br />
I guess I am not being helpful, but I wanted you to know you are not alone and I appreciate your sharing.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. We both wanted children (we are age 38 soon to be 39) <br />
I've had such a longing this year to have a child- I have never felt this way before. The problem is this- we visited his parents recently and there was an incredibly dumb blow out- his Mom is mad at me and <br />
basically told him someday she may forgive me. (Politics, she's mad over a dumb conversation about politics). I honestly feel as though this is going to put a roadblock in our plans. His Mom won't even talk to me at this point. His parents live quite far, he usually visits them only one time per year for one week. I am torn, I don't know how to be patient and I don't know how to approach this situation. He feels caught in the middle. I am having second thoughts about everything. I don't quite know what to do.

I have been married to my husband for two years, and he always said he wanted a family with me. All he talked about before we got married was us having a baby together, and he still wanted that right after we got married. Now that we have been married for two years, I really want a baby, and he doesn't. I don't know what has changed his mind, and it's starting to really get to me. He already has a three year old son from a past relationship. I am constantly taking care of his son; which I don't mind, but my husband takes advantage of that. My husband won't even talk to me about having kids, and I know I would be a great mom, because I am good step mom and aunt. This problem has caused me to have anxiety issues, and I just don't know what to do about it. I have also had female problems that could possibly cause me to not be able to have children, if I wait too much longer. He knows of these problems, and he is still holding back... I need some advice, desperately.

I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. One of the first things I said to him when we started dating was that he wouldn't want to have more kids. He told me that wasn't necessarily true. Throughout our relationship the subject of children has come up casually and he's always expressed something about "If he had another kid he'd..." well I finally brought up ACTUALLY doing it and he flat out told me he had no interest in having another child. While I completely understand where he's coming from I feel betrayed and lied to. We had a huge fight about it and eventually had a conversation about how we would work things out if we did have a kid. The thing is, I'm not completely overjoyed with the idea myself I just know that I would regret not having a child. However, the responsibility is going to be all mine. I am deathly afraid I won't have the energy or that it will ruin our relationship. I'm so depressed. I am 32 and he is 41 so we need to work this out right now. It is such an unpleasant conversation neither one of us wants to bring it up. He of course hopes I just forget about the whole thing. I don't want to ruin my marriage but I don't want to live my life resentful and regretful....

Thank you Em jem24<br />
<br />
its nice to have a reply and know that you are not the only one out there,<br />
<br />
over the past few months we have discussed more and more about children and decided to have a good holiday first then decide, after all i didnt marry my husband to have children i married him because i love him.<br />
<br />
children may not be an option later, but at least i will know where we stand by the time i am 30.<br />
<br />
lately a lot of my friends have had families and i have become extremely sick of being constantly asked about babies and children by others especially when it is none of there business. i have felt quite negative about it<br />
<br />
my husband will be the one at home with children if we decided to have any as i earn more so he will have to want children<br />
<br />
part of me thinks do i want a baby because that is what everyone else does and it is societys expectation or do i generally want one.<br />
<br />
many thanks for your reply i wish you all the best for the future i hope you can work things out. <br />
<br />
it is extremely hard to compromise on children because you simply can't.<br />
<br />
i feel my husband will be a great father but getting there may be an issue. it caused huge upset for me initially but i guess i have a couple of years to sort things.

katvan,<br />
<br />
I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 34 years old and wanted children for a long time. I've been married to my husband for 10 years and I thought (slowly) that I had persuaded him that children would be okay. I feel like I'm running out of time. He's in the military and will be retiring in a couple of years and feels like his earning potential will be severely degraded once he's in the private sector. <br />
<br />
We almost broke up after a fight over this issue at the beginning of our marriage. He never disclosed to me that he was "unwilling" to have children. He's been honest about how he's set in his ways and can be "selfish" and wants to be practical about such a choice.<br />
<br />
I feel like he's strung me along for the past 10 years. As we were moving around the country because of the military, my career took a hit. A big one. I'm currently unemployed but will be seriously "looking" soon for a job. I've battled an unsupportive family (on both sides), friends who dumped me when I married my husband, and bouts of depression and chronic migraines.<br />
<br />
We had another blow up fight on our 10th anniversary about having a baby. I told him I wanted to go off the Pill before we take our anniversary cruise and he felt "betrayed." I thought we were gearing up toward at least "trying" but apparently that was never his intention.<br />
<br />
You need to realize that your husband may NEVER change his mind. There are a lot of selfish men who don't want the "burden" of a child, wanted or unwanted. You're still young and have time and if he's not willing to at least discuss this issue with you, you may be in for the fight of your life. My husband had the nerve to tell me once he'd rather I'd gotten pregnant by accident than through planning. He's the youngest of six kids, unintentially got a girlfriend pregnant who then got an abortion, and unfortunately, he's erected this wall when I bring up having a baby. We're not poor, we're not doing badly, he's just doesn't want to give up anything, even material things. We've even had talks about what it would be like to have a child and then he turns back into this resistant, hard core person I don't understand and even more don't recognize.<br />
<br />
If you want children in your life and your husand doesn't, you have a choice to make. As do I. I told my husband he has a month to reconcile himself to the idea of ONE child (I even compromised on that). I'm going off the Pill. I'm sick of it and it's messed with my weight. Don't be like me and wait 10 whole years to pass, when your fertility is better, to get your husband to come around. It's not worth it.

Oh my god that's exactly what my boyfriend said!! He'd rather me get pregnant by accident than plan one and it repetes in my mind and drives me crazy