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Waited 9 Years For A Wedding, Hopefully Not Another 9 Years For A Baby

I was married this past June to my boyfriend of 9 years.

He was resistant to marriage when we first were dating and over numerous fights which involved me moving away to another city for a year and some counseling regarding the fear of marriage on his part, we finally got married. Before the wedding, he knew of my deep need to have my own family. I believe that when he asked me to marry him that he also wanted to start a family with me.

Fast forward to almost 5 months into our marriage. I bring up the subject of starting a family. Yes, I know it's pretty early but we've been together for nine years. In addition, I'm creeping on on 36 (he's currently 41) and dealing with with uterine fibroids which decrease my chances of having children.

This discussion takes my husband by surprise. After some talking he says that he is neither for or against starting a family but he's "not there yet." My fear is that it will take him several years to warm up to starting a family ("Hello biological clock!") and he doesn't feel that our marriage is in danger if he ultimately decides that having children is not for him. 

I am starting to worry that maybe I stepped into this marriage without a through discussion of our life goals, mine ultimately is having a family.

DarleneA DarleneA 31-35, F 3 Responses Oct 27, 2009

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Darlene,<br />
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I think you and I have married similar types of men. I'm 34 and my husband is 39 (almost 40) and we've been married for 10 years. My husband and I have been going around and around, and around some more about having children. It's a game that my husband has become a master manipulator at. At one time, we almost broke up because he wasn't receptive to having children (early in our marriage). Flash forward 10 years later and instead of being a naive, in-love 24 year old, I'm a resentful, fuming 34 year old who lives with someone who wants it all their own way.<br />
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I feel like my reasons for having a child haven't changed. However, I feel like my husband's reasons for not having a child have. First, it was, under no circumstances would we to then, maybe. Now, it's for practical/economic reasons (we're not poor or doing badly).<br />
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Why did you wait 9 years to marry this guy? That seems an awful long time to convince somebody that marriage won't kill them. After 9 years, you'd think this guy would understand that you want to start trying for a baby. It sounds like to me that he's taken you for granted... more likely he's throwing you a bone to pacify you. I know the trick since my husband has used the "maybe" line on me a couple of times.<br />
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I think it's time for you and your husband to have a thorough chat. It's time for you and he to discuss what you each want out of this marriage and how to compromise. If you find that this man really shares none of your goals, plans, or values, you need to weigh your options. Can you live with an immature person who puts his feelings ahead of your own? Can you live in a marriage with no children? Do you love your husband that much?<br />
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I have to tell you, that when I got married at 24, I was filled with a lot of goals, plans, and dreams about where I would be in 10 years of marriage. I haven't realized any of them. Since I married someone in the military, my career pretty much collapsed because of all the moving so I haven't found a fulfilling, rewarding career. I haven't had any children (though I even compromised with my husband about just having one) to see grow and thrive. I haven't seen a marriage that has grown and thrived and rather, it's coasting and I'm beginning to think it's running out of gas. I've expressed this before on another thread, but, I feel trapped. We've become two separate people who want different things and, if we don't reconcile those differences soon.. the marriage won't be salvageable.<br />
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I didn't initially know that I had married someone who was opposed to children and because I had time to wait for him to think on it I let him off the hook. If you're committed to having children at the age of 36 then you can't keep waiting. I'm 34 and I feel like I'm running out of time.<br />
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I don't mean to discourage you, but I don't understand how people put up with long-term relationships. If the person can't grow up, love their partner, and make a commitment, it's time to move on.<br />
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I'm beginning to reexamine if the marriage I have is the marriage I want to spend the next 10 years in. It's hard to come to the realization that you've been strung along, your husband doesn't care about your dreams, and that everything will just be okay if things go his way. Marriage is give and take, and if your husband isn't willing to realize this dream with you perhaps you need to reevaluate the relationship.<br />
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Good luck.

I'll agree with Ryu here: communication is key.<br />
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If it is that important for you to have kids he should know, and he should be willing to discuss why he doesn't want kids. You should be willing to listen to why he doesn't want to have kids. REmember listening doesn't mean telling him why he's wrong and that goes the same for him toward you. <br />
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Remember though don't hold it over his head that if he doesn't want kids that you are going to leave him because that's just going to pressure him and he may regret it afterwards. He is still entitled to his feelings on the subject, and your marriage is not about just you and your biological clock. On the same note your marriage is not only about his needs, or fears, either.<br />
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Your job at this point is to understand those feelings, and his job is to understand yours. Also you have to decide whether or not his love is more important than having a child with him, or is he just a means to an end(just someone to have a baby with). On the other hand he has to decide if your love to him is more important than not having a child.<br />
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My point is, would you love and be happy with him if you never had a baby? If you think that you could never be happy with this man without a child then leave and find someone else, but listen to him before you even mention leaving. Now, if he just absolutely feels the same about not having kids, then he should leave the marriage. I say this because if you guys aren't happy with the decision to have or not have kids, you'll only grow to hate each other.<br />
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Take a year or better to talk(instead of fight) with him about it. Fighting will only push him away from the idea of having a baby. Keep in mind the world won't end if you don't have a baby biologically because there are several alternitaves, such as adoption.

I think that you should probably make this clear to your husband. If it wasn't evident to him before marriage then you should make sure it is now.<br />
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It sounds to me like he's being quite immature, especially given his age. Does he honestly expect you to wait several years? No disrespect meant to either of you, but if you do it will probably be too late. Even adoption is not an option if he is not prepared to be a father.<br />
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I truly think you need to talk with him about this and make your goals quite clear. If he still is unprepared to consider a family and you still feel like this is more important to you than your marriage and relationship, then I think it's fairly obvious what you should do.