My Story And My WishI am 28 years old and I had sometime to be an adult and do adult things. I wanted to travel, publish a famous novel(s), go on a book tour, own my own house etc, but this dream hit me instead. I am getting ahead of myself.
My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I had a brother who was 6 and we got close especially after my father remarried with in that year. For a few years it was just the four of us during the week (as we visited my mom on the weekends.) When I was 11, my stepmother wanted to have her own kids since all of her friends having their own kids. She had one of my baby brothers in May of 1995 and I was 12. I learned how to feed babies, change their diapers, clean their toys, and to deal with kids basically. When I was 16 my stepmother had another boy and I knew what I was doing by then. My parents also push me into working at the nursery at our church as I had so much experience with kids. They even wanted me to take education in college. However by the time I was 21 I was burnt out with kids and wanted my own life. I wanted to do adult things: drink, go to clubs and bars, but most of my friends were away for college or already pregnant. (I didn’t want kids; at the time I wasn’t sure if I even wanted kids of my own.)
My mother was 21 when she had me and my father was 18, and I told myself that I would give myself my own time. (There are moments where I feel my mother puts her dreams on me, and I can’t accomplish her dreams. I’m not here. I am me. I promise that I will not put my dreams and desires on my future kids. . . I want them to have their own hopes and dreams.)
I have had my share some bad and bitter relationships, but I found my current boyfriend on myspace in 2007. We have been off and on for three years, but we have finally figure out what works for us, and I am so glad we have. My brothers like him and my family knows he isn’t going anywhere any time soon. In fact he wanted kids when we first met and I didn’t at the time. He was told by 3 doctors that he had hormone problems, hyperthyroidism and would be able to reproduce. He did get hormone shots as a kid and teenager. (I research infertility and hyperthyroidism and this only happens to 5-10% of the men. Most of these men didn’t get the shots.) Out of all the guys I have dated and known he is the greatest guy I know and I know he would be an awesome father.
I have had dreams where I have had his kids. I have been to psychics (at festivals) and several of them have said that they see me having kids, especially a girl.
Since 2008, I have had several pregnancy scares, (but I don’t think that scare is the right word.) My period is longer than most people and my body is really sensitive to stress. (I get sick really easy when I was stressed and worried.) I didn’t have a period for two months in August and September of 2009. I also had sensitive smell, nausea, fatigue, and was very emotional. I remember crying over a mistake I made with budgeting once. I took several tests all negative and I went to the clinic and both urine and blood tests were negative. The doctor said because my cycles are longer I could have stronger PMS symptoms. I have never had sensitive smell or nausea (without cramps) during PMS. I had felt when it was negative that I had let my boyfriend down who was so excited at the idea that I might be pregnant. (By then I was tossing the idea back and forth myself. . . I have fears of being a parent with hot temper, and other issues.)
It was a Saturday afternoon and I had gotten up early that day so I had told my boyfriend I was going to take a nap. We had discussed babies or mentioned anything that day about parenting. (I do believe my boyfriend and I have a deep spiritual connection.)
Anyway, I had a dream where I was at my father’s house. The TV had football on. The couches were moved back . . . the day was partly cloudy as I could see the cloudy covering the sun as the blinds were open.
I heard a baby crying, I found the small playpen between the couch and my younger brother’s computer. I picked up the baby as I noticed she was a girl and I know instinctively knew she was my child. . . she was the cutest baby I had ever seen. She had to have been 6 month maybe older with very light blonde hair, huge blue-green eyes, and chubby chipmunk cheek. I have never thought babies to be that cute or beautiful, but she was amazingly priceless. I changed her diaper, and held the baby as my (ex) stepmother came into the living room and told me to get rid of the baby.
I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I was instantly in love with this baby-girl and I would have fought my (ex) stepmother if I didn’t have that baby in my arms.
My brother came in the room and yelled at my (ex) stepmother. He said that if I wanted a child, then I should keep it.
Then I rushed into the kitchen and made a bottle and the baby refusing to let my (ex) stepmother holding it.
I didn’t believe in love at first site until that dream and later that evening I told my boyfriend about it. He was amazed as he was thinking of how he wanted a baby while I was taking a nap.
The thing I haven’t been able to stop thinking about having a baby. Everything I watch had something to do with a baby. . . it seems like every celebrity having babies. . . there are dozens of baby related commercials on during the day . . . even facebook has baby advertisements.
The more I think about it, the more I want a baby. . . it’s like my biological clock isn’t ticking about more but the alarm went off. . . it’s beeping “I want a baby or babies.” I have twins in the family both identical and fraternal. I would love one of each and be done.
At first I was scared at the idea of having kids and having to settle, but my boyfriend has opened my eyes. . . I don't see it as settling anymore, but creating something of yourself. . . someone unique that can only come out of our own DNA.
I have both Identical and fraternal twins in my family and I would love to have a girl and a boy. My boyfriend really wants create someone(s) special.
We already have names for two girls or two boys and agreed if we had one or one of each we would decide which name they get once they are born. We have also been giving each other situations and what we would do in each situation. I know if I am with him I can do anything including create and bring up life.
I know I am not even pregnant yet, but I am afraid of being a mean, bitter, scary, angry parent. (I want to be the cool parent, the one that kids want to come to when they have a problem. I want those gentle and nurturing qualities, but I just feel clumsy and awkward.) I can be a very eager, intense and explosive person. . . I am dynamic, powerful, type A, and I get things done when need to be. I also have very short nerves, and a hot temper. I am very loyal, but I can also be very harsh, truthful, controlling, and abrasive. I can see many of these qualities putting pressure on the child and even mentally abusing the child. I would just want is best for my possible future children.
I just want to have my own kids and for them to be healthy and happy. Please just send some positive vibes that I can have kids with my boyfriend someday. . . hopefully soon.