I Want Another Baby, But My Only Option Is Surrogacy.

This isn't something I think about daily.....but it's enough to the point that it's affecting me negatively. When I was 20 I became a single mother to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. 2 years later I was diagnosed with brain cancer and they ended up doing a partial hysterectomy and took out my uterus b/c the hormones can make the tumor grow. I still have both my ovaries.
I am getting married to an amazing man in a few months. He also has a daughter who is 3, my daughter is 5 now. We both want more children. We know our only options are surrogacy or adoption. He doesn't want to adopt. He wants to use a surrogate. But I don't know how I feel about that. Another woman carrying my baby? Plus the expense is so high to do so. We aren't poor but we aren't rich by any means, so who knows if we will ever have that kind of money. I find myself crying myself to sleep some nights. Maybe feeling less of a woman b/c I cannot give him a child naturally. Even knowing that had I kept my uterus I would have run a HUGE risk to my life to have another baby.... I don't know that it was the right decision to let them take it out. Technology/medicine changes so often. Maybe someday I could have had another baby. I should be so blessed to even have the one daughter that I have. But I guess the biggest issue I feel is that I did not enjoy that pregnancy the way I wanted to. I was single, her dad was a jerk the entire time. I hated being pregnant. I wanted to one day be in love and enjoy a pregnancy with a man I was in love with. Now that is something I never get to do. I hate this feeling.

Any advice? Anyone used a surrogate?
CancerMama22 CancerMama22
26-30, F
6 Responses May 9, 2012

I am for sure for surrogacy and all reproductive treatments. I suffer from infertility. And I know about it not by hearsay. But my opinion is that surrogacy in such countries as Mexico, Thailand and India should be strictly banned. Believe me there are a lot of another option but not those countries. You cannot imagine how they can damage your life. I can just share my infertility story. I have a great experience in this sphere. When I was 28 years old I went through a serious surgery during which doctors had to dissect my ovaries out. Medical workers warned me of the consequences in future, in particular infertility. I had no choice in the matter because we did not think about fertility at that moment but how to save my life. Being 30 years old my husband and I gave thought to child. Having known my diagnosis we understood that I can bear a child only with the help of donor eggs and IVF program. Therefore, we gave a second thought to reproductive medical programs. We studied all information and chose the country where we can take advantage of ART. Of course donation as surrogacy is not legal in many European countries. That's why we decided to consider India. That country is seemed to be very attractive for infertility treatment. India is one of the most popular among such countries. Price for donation program is rather handsome. In addition we wanted to see tourist India. my husband and I packed our bags and flew to South Asia. We chose Akanksha reproductive medicine clinic that is in Anand city. There we were met by a friendly, pleasant woman, clinic director. She told us that all their donors are faith worthy. None of them smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs. Medical program takes place under doctors’ control and in accordance with all norms. Be that as it may, but all donors there are of Hindu race. We have nothing against people of other nationalities. But still we wanted child to be like us, as far as possible in this case. We have taken note of the Indian clinic. But if to be honest we had another reasons not to choose Indian clinic. You are completely right. I met some couples, who told me some horrible stories. I don’t want to judge and tell that India is a bad choice for surrogacy.
But I am sure that couples should be serious and careful making a choice. This problem is not about money. Of course prices are very attractive. But some legends about India are not without a purpose. As other couples said, it is not truth that donors and surrogates are checked in a proper way. Most of them have infections, which they transfer to the unborn child. Donors also can have diseases and infections. Some of them can have genetic mutations which affect the child. Moreover if consider surrogate mothers, they don’t live in a good condition. They are very poor and don’t spend money for needed food and vitamins. Very often in India they give birth to ill children. I don't know how much it is true. But I am not so risky. We decided to look for another one. Then I considered Mexico. That was not so far away so it suits me more. Together with my husband we decided to go and visit some clinics we chose. This journey was a big surprise for us. Do you know that in the state of Tabasco the surrogacy program is not only for traditional families, but also for homosexuals, the carriers of the AIDS virus/HIV and patients with viral hepatitis. Yes, this is Mexico. Surrogate mothers who are in the program, unfortunately, are not always checked properly. Not in all cases, they undergo a medical examination and testing. It entails a variety of diseases, malformations in the unborn child, complications with GS/childbirth, and much more. Any legally working and self-respecting clinic will never allow such violations. For me it is completely unacceptable! We went away from that country without any results.

I was so upset. I dropped my hand. I need more time to settle all the information I have. We spent some money for travel in Mexico and it was our big mistake. So we continued our searching. Spain, “Dexeus-Salud de la mujer” clinic in Barcelona was a second enter we opted for. Visiting Spanish center we were impressed with the high level of organization and services quality. Having got to know all programs’ proposals and conditions we signed the contract. After medical examinations (tests, ultrasound and ***** analysis) we have chosen a suitable donor and began stimulation. I took hormonal drugs during more than a month. Program was conducted with the use of frozen oocytes. Embryo transfer did not last long but was rather painful. Unfortunately, the result was negative – I was not pregnant. Doctors explained that it happens so because not all are lucky to become pregnant on the first try. As a result, they twisted our arm and we agreed for another two IVF attempts in their clinic. It should be noted that during this time we have spent a lot of money. We had to pay separately for each IVF attempt. In addition, expenses for accommodation, meal, transfer, some medicines and flight was also shouldered as a burden. But it is not the most important thing, because our dream was so long-awaited child. After three attempts in Spain we have not reached our goal. After we came back home we talked to those who also went through donation program. In addition we studied information about eggs cryopreservation and realized that the problem was just in freeze. Process of cryopreservation of genetic material adversely affects its quality. That’s why very often the result is negative. Having already some experience and being taught from own mistakes we continued our search for the ideal clinic. Russia was our next attempt to find happiness. In the Russian Federation doctors use fresh eggs and argue that " you will not go back home without successful pregnancy". Russia was a distant and unknown country for us. Rumors of its underdevelopment and poor service walked over Internet networks and forums. Nevertheless we decided to take a chance. Level of service fades in comparison with possible parenthood. Having arrived in St. Petersburg, “AVA-Peter” reproductive medicine clinic, we did not see high European standards. But it was quite good. Our doctor, obstetrician-gynecologist Stambulova Olga, listened to our history. She studied all medical records, conducted a number of tests and said: "Do not worry my dear, we will try our best. Everything will be ok!" We man up, psyched us up for success and started new treatment in Russia. Egg donor and I were stimulated in order to synchronize our menstrual cycles. Again and again I took hormonal drugs. I felt bad but had a firm belief in good result. After embryos transfer my husband prayed with bated breath. But ... that attempt was not successful as well. We were a bit disappointed and downhearted. All these torments, clinics in different countries and numerous failed attempts had been lasting for ten years. During this time I had took an incredible amount of hormonal medicines. I went through a lot of medical tests. And, frankly speaking, I was tired mentally and physically. And one day we saw an advertising of reproductive medicine clinic BioTexCom. Centre offered unimaginable conditions and 100% guarantee of success. Medical package includes meeting at the airport, transfer, accommodation, meal and medical program with a certain number of attempts. All these are included in a fixed sum for the program. We paid not a penny more. Weighing all the "pros" and "cons" my husband said me: "I love you and want to raise our own children. So I'm with you and together we will go through all difficulties". So we went to Ukrainian capital, Kiev. Center for human reproduction BioTexCom. We felt that everything will turn out good just having left the airport. We were met by a clinic’s driver –friendly, polite man stood with a sign where our surname was written. He helped us with the luggage and conducted to the car. When he brought us to the clinic a pretty lady met us on the doorstep. She charted with us before our arrival and was our manager-translator during the program. She led us to the clinic. She offered coffee and we got to know each other better. She spoke English very well and we had no problems communicating. Then we visited a doctor, Elena Mozgova. She talked to us and conducted ultrasound investigation. The doctor told me that they conduct programs using exclusively fresh oocytes, apply best practices and have a high deliverable. She added that we were not the first ones in BioTexCom clinic who came after unsuccessful attempts made abroad. Further there were a standard procedure of stimulation, which I already knew by heart and embryo transfer. In Ukraine, during preparation for the program, I took such medicines as Progesterone, Oksiprogesteron, Proginova, Utrozhestan and various vitamin complexes. It is important to take into account the fact that all medicines were given to me in the clinic. I did not pay extra for them. In BioTexCom center doctors calculate the perfect day for transferring. They use the highest quality biological material. Well, let alone all these details, as result tells louder than words. After the first attempt I finally got pregnant! We were as happy as a pig in mud! We could hardly believe that our dream came true. I was pregnant and we were waiting for our long-awaited child. Yes, Ukraine is not a country with European level, but people there are very kind and friendly. And doctors of BioTexCom are really professionals. And sometimes work wonders using modern technologies and unique techniques.

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I would highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in surrogacy and ART (Assisted reproduction). There are several. Look on Psychology Today and put in surrogacy, fertility in your search. That therapist can help you find a path forward

We don't. All of his sister in laws are done having children. I have been doing research and I have my ovaries and he obviously has *****....LOL. But just the invetro to get the woman pregnant is so expensive.

I know that you said that a surrogate would be too expensive. Do either of you have any female family members that might be willing? That would be way less expensive and it would be all in the family. The end result is that you two will have "your own" baby.

I am so sorry for your situation. But sometimes we can't have the perfect situation. You're very lucky to have your beautiful little girl. Focus on the positives and stop beating your self up. You're a survivor and made the best decision, you're here for your little girl and to have a good life. I do think you and your future husband need to be on the same page in your thinking. Good luck and be kind to your self! ;-)

Thank you for your kind words :)