Hoping For Baby

When i was younger I never thought I'd want a baby as badly as I do now. One minute I'm completely against the idea, then next I find myself in a whirlwind of mixed and uneasy emotions, that now I can't keep to myself any longer. My boyfriend and I talk often about maybe having one but it wasn't until I saw my best friend look at his newborn son with such light in her eyes. It was as if she were blind before and now can see as clear as a state of the T.V., it was a phenomenon that could see only happens once in your life, and the first time I had met a newborn baby. In that instant it was like my whole world had flipped upside down, crashing, and tumbling to pieces. My mind had had exploded, and it didn't feel good. I knew that one day I would want a couple of kids, even painting myself a pretty picture of the "white picket-fence" family, but not anything like this. I think it started to click about a year ago, and my best friend unknowingly, pulled the trigger. Days later I started feeling a sense of depression, knowing my boyfriend wants to wait until we're settled and have our own place, but my head begs to differ. Also adding to my stresses saying we can go ahead and have a baby and he'll join one of the branches and do bootcamp. This sent me crying for days before I could open up again. He had apologized but ment every word. Since then I tell him occasionally that I want a baby, and soothingly he tells me he knows. I still cry, especially on rougher days than others, but nothing makes me more so than finding every month to be the same, a disappointment, and even more tears. It doesn't help at all that my family isn't accepting, and tells me almost every chance they get on holidays, "Don't have children.", "Do I look like I'm old enough to be a grandma/pa?". It just doesn't help. I'm depressed, uneasy, and every hope I have every month, is shattered, rebuilt, and shattered again. I don't think it's wrong that I want a baby, I just feel a sense of shame that I want one so badly and I can't shake it. I don't know what to do anymore except to go numb about it. Try to calm it by keeping my brain or hands busy, staying motivated at work and trying to just muffle it, the terribly loud screams from the baby clock. I do this and battle this everyday and have been for over a year and becoming exhausted from the work I put forth only for it to be torn down every day.
kimikitty kimikitty
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

Wow yeah I would say you do and as sweet as it is, I do hope that you have thought it out and understand the responsibility of it. I am 40 years old this year, I am married and have not been pregnant/had a child yet in my life. Even at my age I hold on to my hope to as well, thanks to being with the love of my life that I want to give a child to! We leave it in God's hands. I went to doctors and was all tested, there is no medical reason I can not conceive. I have the baby making equipment of a 25 year old, or so I been told =)
When I was your age, I was just the opposite, said I was never getting married, or going to have children. I am the oldest of 5 kids and helped in raising them so I know what all it entails right to being an adult, as well as a sister who has had 6 kids. It is a tremendous responsibility! First just being able to keep them alive after they are born can be real task. Say good bye to sleep if you like that, privacy, and money because in growing much stuff gets destroyed and babies love seeing cell phones/ electronics in water, just saying. Keep in mind good baby sitters that you can trust are not the easiest to find these days and if your parents are making these kinds of comments now, don't count on them to be there if you need them. They will want to have time with your child when its convient for them, not you. So your baby will be with you, a lot for awhile!
Better have a great secure job, the cost alone to feed, cloth and keep a roof over their head is rising more and more everyday. Being married first too is a great idea because I assure you any guy is willing to knock you up without marrying you first is really not worth you even considering having a baby with yet, if you can't give a baby the security of 2 loving parents devoted to one another that will always be there for it! This is a commitment for the rest of your life, when you quit on being a parent as many do, life only goes down hill for ones who do that as I have seen happen to many different people in my life. My experience of speaking from here comes from the fact too that my youngest brother now in his late 20's just recently found out he has a 10 year old son he didn't know he had. It will always come out "Whose your Daddy!?!" sooner or later.
Just to name a few really thought out reasons for you, my heart always goes out to ones who struggle as parents at young ages, bring another life into the world especially if they are not ready for it. As so many people these days will tell you, that your not doing it right and if your not, someone could even come take it away from you and there’s a lot you would have to go through to get it back.
Sorry not meaning to go on, I really have to much experience about this and wanted to share with you the thoughts I have that you may not of thought of to this point. I would say stop focusing on that and get Your life in order that would welcome a baby. That's what I focus on myself. Last week I went to the dentist and had all of the metal fillings in my teeth changed to porcelain because a doctor told me they may be making me sterile. Both our vehicles are paid for and we own our home. I would say change your focus as it is something to work towards and just enjoy life for yourself first so when you are blessed with a baby all of your attention will be on it and giving it a great life with you, that you can enjoy!