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Please Understand Me..

I love my Parents..I've been living with them for 20 years..
It all started in 7th grade..I wanted to move away, but I couldn't.. It was a problem with my sister, a lie she told, for which, I was beaten up severly, by my Dad,at the same time,verbally abused by my mom,continuously for 6 and a half hours..with a hardwood instrument for 4 hours and with bare hand on all parts of my body..They would leave me on the cold,marble floor,when they needed a break,for 5 or 10 minutes and my sister smiled at me sometimes when I looked at her at breaks..The blows included on my face, cheek,head, neck.. It was terrible..But I was used to it, short ones-2 or 3 hours, occassionaly..Mom told me, it started , when I was 3 years old.(I filled up the toilet with large stones).For most children living in my circumstances, elder one gets beaten up when the younger one does wrong. Well, Cyril, in the next house used to get beaten by belt, occassionaly..I could hear the screaming all night while we were praying, having supper, while on bed..I slept listening to it.. I know, no one can be nice all the time...

Then, I always wanted to move away,they wouldn't allow, they had to keep me there to vent their anger and frustration..Only four of us knew.. My sister used to snack, when she got tired of seeing this..(and came back-never miss a shot.. It's beautiful like a freak show)

Then I got an oppertunity, when I was in higher secondary..For three weeks..

Then I went for Electrical Engineering, and got accepted in a very reputed school, yes, it had 'school' in its name, and it was a school, with uniform. I was suffering from severe psycological illness-Chronic depression, Severe Anxiety, OCD and Schrizophrenia-I knew something was wrong since my 11th grade, and I told them whenever they were sane, everyday after rosary, but they never heeded..My teachers told them, the principal arranged someone.In Senior School.But I think they feared that things could go out..

But Rajagiri was a very reputed school..The counsellor there diagnosed this within 1 month and called my parents to school secretly, and the fourth time, when they told them that I'll be expelled if they won't allow the school authorities to treat me, they finally agreed half heartedly.

But as the treatment progressed, they told me not to tell all things, and enquired me and to doctor..I never told anyone...

I didn't like friends,couldn't stand being with someother person in one room..I hated hostel..They changed me room twice, I couldn't stand..Their flirtratrious silly talks, calling boys on phone at night, the worst was gossiping..They even tried to match somebody with me, the second time they tried, I reported to my parents..

Then I realized, I couldn't live in hostel too! I tried suicide in Hostel..Unfortunately,for me, I didn't die..Living with parents is better..But, Every morning I wake up, I want to die..I hold blade ion my hands eveery night I go to sleep, crying..I can't make a sound.. They'd know..

I don't know what to do.. I'm now living with my parents

But I'm happy when I go out alone, especially to the towncenter, and the mall near my house, they let me go now-a-days. I think Doctor counselled them when they were in.

What do you think be suited for me? I figured out it'd be better if I live in a room alone..Now I don't know if it'd workout.. The best thing is to live with somebody who loves me and knows me..But that is never possible- nobody would like me, or would there be some one who like to help me?
BridaPaulo BridaPaulo 18-21, F 1 Response Jan 25, 2013

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Friend Continue what your Mind ask

Yes You are correct live with somebody who loves you

And Show Your Parents that you a happy without them

Choose Best Company

Thank you,but I love my parents. I don't want to hurt them. I must figure out some way to be comfortable with my life.