Missing My Best Friends...

I moved to North Carolina from New York in 2008... I had a lot going on - laid off, ex-boyfriend that I was still in love with but didn't love me back, a destructive dog that I love dearly, etc... I was lonely and although I had a bunch of "so-called" friends, I needed to be near my family.

The night before I left, all of my dearest friends came out to wish me farewell. It was very special!

Fast-forward to the present:  You would think that I moved to Guam where there were no phones, mail, or internet access because I barely speak to anyone anymore.  I mean really speak to... like talk about our relationships, our worries, our goals, our sex lives... or just stupid stuff that girlfriends talk about, you know? Not to mention that physical - going out to dinner, shopping, a movie.  I miss it so much!!

One of my "best-friends" had a baby since I left NY.  Now all I get from her are texts or FB emails that say, "Sorry I haven't called.  I'll call you when the baby is sleeping."  (That baby must never sleep because I am still waiting for my callback!!)

One of my "best-friends" thinks that since I'm in a serious relationship now, she can't call me anymore.  I tell her to please call me anytime... I need her to call me sometime, but she doesn't.  If I call her, we'll talk, but I know we are not talking the way we ought to... it's like we are too past catching up, if that makes sense.

Likewise, my friend "N" who is a busy-city-bee barely has time for me.  I used to call her my little sister because she used to always come to me for advice when we were in Middle School... but somehow she would always indirectly help me out too.  Anyway, she barely makes an effort to connect with me any longer... and I really miss her!

There are others that I didn't think that distance would end the friendship but it has.  Every now and again, when I'm really feeling sorry for myself, I'll post my status on FB as, "Out of sight, out of mind... I guess I just have to deal."  Then, everyone has something to say.  "No, I'm still here for you... Sorry I haven't called, but I will... You're always on my mind..."  Really, then why havent you called me?  Why haven't you called me back?  Why do I feel like I was a friend because of proximity?  Then I feel like a burden because I call and expect a callback, or an *******, because I call and don't get a callback.  I understand people are busy and have their own life to live but I used to be apart of that life... but I'm not any longer and I don't really understand what changed.  Really, what changed?

I feel very hurt... especially because there have been so many times that I'd want to share my joys and pains with someone who really knows me and loves me... and I don't have THAT PERSON.  Like, I have my family (my sister and I are extremely close), but you don't want to involve your family with every little relationship problem you have because it is harder for them to forgive and forget and let you move on. 

I know it's never too late to get a new best friend but I don't know if I can emotionally handle a new friend that makes it to best friend status then ***** on me again.. you know?  I guess it's like any relationship that you are involved in... you just have to open yourself and trust. 

Side note:  I actually googled "I have no best friend" one lonely night and found EP so maybe there's hope.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone. 

Thanks for listening :-)

fr33falln fr33falln
26-30, F
Feb 24, 2010