Always Wanting What I Can't HaveDoing a lot of thinking lately about what intimacy is. And the more I think about intimacy, the more it comes to mind that American culture has a unilateral view of what it means to be intimate. Growing up in upper-middle, white, suburban Chicago, I was brought up to think that intimacy could only be shared between a man and a woman, that it had to involve sex, and that to be intimate with anyone of the same gender was to be homosexual. It did not help that I grew up in the bounds of Christian morality, which shunned anything reminiscent of homosexuality.
Society told me that I was not much of a young man, and neither did the other boys my age, having had an interest in art and drama. As one could expect, it was easy for more aggressive males my age to write me off as "gay" or a "******." After many years of this negative affirmation, I even started to wonder myself... why was it that I found an attraction to women but was interested in these less manly activities? This kind of antagonism characterized the first eighteen years of my life, being extradited from other males, and denied the opportunity to have guy friends. All the while, I was growing more and more desiring of a male buddy to hang out with.
Of the five love languages, physical touch is my strongest. There is nothing quite like the feel of a hug to tell me I am loved and affirmed. So fitting, as I spent eighteen years of my life lacking affirmation by other males, I came to a point in life where I sought affirmation from males physically. I craved to be held in the arms of a man, to be cuddled and smothered with affection. All the while, I found myself still sexually attracted to females, desiring a lifelong relationship with them. Understandably, confusion set in. I was scared of my feelings and desires, because being a Christian I believe homosexual attraction and the lifestyle thereof to be immoral. I didnt want to think that I craved something so wrong. The truth I come to understand now is that I am not homosexual, but rather that physical touch is just my way of giving and receiving that love and affirmation which I had been lacking.
I dunno. It's one of those things that maybe I am just talking myself in circles and in the end not making any point at all. What I find really interesting is that when I think about my close friends... they are the ones I want to be a cuddle buddy. I am terrified to do a random encounter kind of thing and am not fond of the idea of cuddling with a butch lady or a really effeminate man... because neither has what I am looking for; I find myself cuddling for two reasons: to protect and be protected. I cuddle with women to lovingly wrap them in protection and I cuddle with men to feel their protective arms around me. Sometimes it really feels like I have been created to crave what I cannot have... and where I sit now I am neither protecting, nor being protected :[