Always Wanting What I Can't Have

Doing a lot of thinking lately about what intimacy is. And the more I think about intimacy, the more it comes to mind that American culture has a unilateral view of what it means to be intimate. Growing up in upper-middle, white, suburban Chicago, I was brought up to think that intimacy could only be shared between a man and a woman, that it had to involve sex, and that to be intimate with anyone of the same gender was to be homosexual. It did not help that I grew up in the bounds of Christian morality, which shunned anything reminiscent of homosexuality.

Society told me that I was not much of a young man, and neither did the other boys my age, having had an interest in art and drama. As one could expect, it was easy for more aggressive males my age to write me off as "gay" or a "******." After many years of this negative affirmation, I even started to wonder myself... why was it that I found an attraction to women but was interested in these less manly activities? This kind of antagonism characterized the first eighteen years of my life, being extradited from other males, and denied the opportunity to have guy friends. All the while, I was growing more and more desiring of a male buddy to hang out with.

Of the five love languages, physical touch is my strongest. There is nothing quite like the feel of a hug to tell me I am loved and affirmed. So fitting, as I spent eighteen years of my life lacking affirmation by other males, I came to a point in life where I sought affirmation from males physically. I craved to be held in the arms of a man, to be cuddled and smothered with affection. All the while, I found myself still sexually attracted to females, desiring a lifelong relationship with them. Understandably, confusion set in. I was scared of my feelings and desires, because being a Christian I believe homosexual attraction and the lifestyle thereof to be immoral. I didnt want to think that I craved something so wrong. The truth I come to understand now is that I am not homosexual, but rather that physical touch is just my way of giving and receiving that love and affirmation which I had been lacking.

I dunno. It's one of those things that maybe I am just talking myself in circles and in the end not making any point at all. What I find really interesting is that when I think about my close friends... they are the ones I want to be a cuddle buddy. I am terrified to do a random encounter kind of thing and am not fond of the idea of cuddling with a butch lady or a really effeminate man... because neither has what I am looking for; I find myself cuddling for two reasons: to protect and be protected. I cuddle with women to lovingly wrap them in protection and I cuddle with men to feel their protective arms around me. Sometimes it really feels like I have been created to crave what I cannot have... and where I sit now I am neither protecting, nor being protected :[
kha185 kha185
22-25, M
9 Responses Mar 8, 2011

The desire to share non-sexual physical intimacy--including cuddling--with persons of the same sex is ... utterly normal and natural. It is utterly normal for straight guys, gay guys and bi guys. Unfortunately, some societies don't recognize this desire / need as perfectly natural and normal. But it is. (If you don't believe me, use your search engine to explore ... use search terms like "straight men" and "cuddling".... You will find plenty of confirmation. And that one responder who called your desire / need "father hunger" just doesn't get it. She's ignorant on the topic. Not all such desire for intimacy amounts to father hunger, repressed homosexualty, or any other such nonsense. Now you can dismiss me if you want -- on the basis of my being a queer. (I'm bi.) And a heathen (I'm more Buddhist than Christian.) But I speak from a wide and long experience... and after having done some research. Loving touch is as basic a need as food, water, air....

Two words: father hunger. I know exactly how you feel, but I am a female. For the Christians here, look up on youtube Jack Frost's seminar called The Father's Embrace, it will help you. For me I know it's father hunger b/c I crave affection from older men. I'm surprised I didn't marry someone older. Being a married woman with Christian morals, it's just not appropriate for me to overly seek affection from men other than my husband. He has a father and step father and I have relationships with them both that allow for hugs and cheek/forehead kisses but nothing more. I would love to be able for one of them just to hold me and love on me. It's such a strong craving at times it's overwhelming. Funny thing is my husband sounds just like you guys, though he won't admit it, I know him too well. His real dad and him are not close as far as affection and his step dad is more affectionate with him, but only to a certain extent. My husband is constantly needing me to hold him and hug him and I'm like, duh, you're needing another man to do this. There is nothing like being in the arms of a man, and men and women both need this. Those who don't crave this probably had a daddy who lavished them with positive touch when they were a child. When you didn't have this as a kid, the craving never goes away. God can provide comfort for this, but the flesh will always crave that tangible touch. It's so hard sometimes to go without it.

dude it's like I wrote this story myself! I want to cuddle with another guy to feel protected maybe even loved. in my mind a girl can't offer that. the guy is supposed to wrap his arms around the girl not the other way around. I don't want sex from it just to feel safe and comfort.

I highly recommend this site! It's still new but it is the perfect idea!

I understand where you're coming from. I'm a Christan man with same gender attraction. There's many times I've considered ignoring the teachings of my religion and joining the gay lifestyle. Touch is one of those strongest love languages for me as well. I've found myself craving that sort of love from other men. Funny thing, is that I don't want anything sexual about it, but because I've been starved in many ways for love from other men, that the wires in my brain seemed to have gotten crossed and have started to confused touch with sex. <br />
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I've actually been able to work on things like healthy touch and cuddling, but it's primarily with other men who also experience same gender attraction. In some ways, it can be helpful. It's also pretty dangerous when it goes wrong. I've asked only one of my straight friends if he would be willing to hold me, but it never ended up happening. I'm terrified to ask for more than hugs from the rest of my friends. I keep hoping someday to find a straight 'cuddle buddy' because I think that would very helpful for me to 'desexualize' the whole experience. I just want to experience some good, safe, healing, affirming affection. Is it too much to ask?<br />
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I love the title of this story. It seems to me the straight men around me aren't equipped to give me what I need and I can't seem to get it from men with same gender attraction. I always keep feeling like I'm craving something I can't have.<br />
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Anyways, I hope you're able to find what you're looking for.

I have almost the exact same kind of desire for affection as you do. I too am a christian and have an attraction to women even though I desire physical effection with a certain guy. I have a friend who is like a brother to me and I to him whom I've desired becoming a cuddle buddy with. While we hug on a somewhat regular basis and I sometimes put my arm around his shoulder when we're on the couch watching a movie or something, I also wish I could put both my arms around him and hold him close to me. But since he has a girlfriend, I'm worried that'll be too much for him and I'll end up embarassing myself for even bringing it up to him. But who knows. Maybe if I show him this particular article, he'll understand and maybe even allow it. But only if it's not something he feels he has to put up with. I would want him to accept and enjoy it as much as I do, cuz to me thats the whole point.

Gonna send you a message cuz my reply is a lot for the little box.

....I'm not a man's man, not femme, so i guess I'm average, but I too wish the same and I neededd this from him and some of the others as a result of watching & listening to them, but that's gone now & they aren't here 4 me in any way.....................

thats great that you were able to have a friend for a time who was a more cuddly person. I have had a few close cuddle buddies but they have all moved or gone on in life. Kinda feel antsy without it. Let me know how I can fill the place of those who so painfully left you behind. I am sad to hear you feel the way you do.

What u said is awesome cuz many a guy needs this as well I think. In my story I mentioned "John," well 4 some reason he felt comfortable saying he would cuddle a guy, but nothing more than that. He's a mainstream straight party guy...