My Marriage Is Killing My Spirit

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. Everything started out just perfect as these things usually do. Then I started noticing some behavior that I didn't like but I was very young, just 21 and was really having a lot of fun with him, even though he was 10 years older than I am. It started with small stuff, like him staying out all night, but I really didn't mind because I had a night job at that point. Things went on and I left him a few times because I didn't like the way things were going. His disrespect was just out of this world. Still young and kind of stupid, I thought that things would get better when he would beg me to come home I believed his story. I left and moved to Texas with my parents and was doing very well for myself. He kept begging and begging for me to come back, but I wouldn't for a long time. Close to a year later, he came to Texas and we went back to California and got married. Now every time he gets mad he says I tricked him into getting married and that he never wanted to get married. We moved to Texas, but in a town different from my mom and I am miserable. I had a few jobs here, but the last job I had was just a weekend job and he begged me to quit because he was home on Sundays and didn't want me working while he was at home alone. That year I lost a baby and we moved into the house we live in now. Later that year I got pregnant again and ended up leaving again. He thought that I had stolen some money from his checking account and the day that I told him I was pregnant he talked so bad to me and told me screw me and my baby he hated the air I was breathing and all kinds of things like that. Then he called me back and apologized and I came back again like a big stupid. Now three years later, my daughter is turning 3 today and I don't know what to do. I know I need to take her to leave, but I really don't want to live with my mother because he would find me. I don't want to go somewhere and have to work and try to finish school. I am working on a plan right now, but it is going to take a little time. I have started volunteering more at church and may be able to work at the school that my church has and I am going to take out some student loans to boost my savings. I know I will have to pay them back, but it will be worth it in the long run to get away from him. I just have to stay focused. He never hardly has any nice words for me, he is unfaithful and I just can't stand it anymore. I can't wait to start going to work to make my own money. That will empower me more. Every time he talks I want to tell him that I want a divorce, but that won't do anybody any good. All that would do would leave me broke and penniless because he won't give me any more money and I will be trapped in a horrible situation. It is my dream to one day in the not so distant future to have my money saved and my things boxed up and hand him the papers and let him know that I don't want to be married to him anymore. Then I can begin my healing and find someone who wants to have babies with me before it is too late.

cheatedoutoflife cheatedoutoflife
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 27, 2009

If you're going to be in debt, student loans are the best to have. They are tax deductible, deferred, low interest and most of all, an investment in yourself. I currently have one and will be finishing up in June of next year. I am very excited! <br />
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I work full-time at a low-paying job, but it's the medical and dental benefits I'm after. And as long as it pays more than what I'll get from unemployment, then it's still a better option. <br />
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By the end of the day, I am very tired. I miss my child and wish I could spend more time with him. But this isn't forever ... and I can already the light at the end of the tunnel.<br />
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Hang in there, it may take a while, but it will happen. Before you know it, you're closer to your goal than you realized.