Nice Guy, A Few Problemsmy story? oh man. he's a good daddy. he works hard. everone likes him. but he steals mail, like magazines. and he steals the bills from the landlord's mail so she/he (it happens a lot) won't know when to switch the gas, etc. or that he hasn't done that, yet. and he even steals our bille, or rather, he hides them from me. he is currently on some heavy-duty expensive drug that helps people get off of heroine, but he's been on it for a year. maybe that's normal. but being a father of two and husband of many years and suddenly developing a cocaine problem is not normal. neither is switching to oxycontin to combat the problem. so, four years, drug problem. he also buys clothes for himself several times a week. mostly resale, but still, $120 a week is a big deal in this household. to my mind. he mostly buys what he wants when he wants. i think he wants to keep our bank account at zero so i can't go spend it on frivolous stuff like all the people we owe money to. we've talked about buying a car, but i wonder if he will make sure that doesn't happen because he secretly fears i will leave. he lies about everything, about ridiculous little things and plays mind games with me, pretending he has no idea what i am talking about or acting shocked and hurt when i confront him with anything.
he does the laundry, makes me tea, does art projects with the kids. he goes grocery shopping. i trust him as much as i trust myself with them when it somes to safety and well being. well, except for the normal stuff, like leaving instructions that lunch will include peas and not ice cream. we laugh and have a good time and present a united front to nearly everyone. if we were divorced, i would still like him, but then, he may go out in a ball of fire that would be difficult to watch. without a woman around, how would he even begin to reign in his overspending and addictive tendencies? he might really fall apart.
when we are not talking about problems, i am thinking about them. and we never really talk about them because like i said, he can't hear me. he pretends he isn't doing those things or he promises to get better. this april will make 13 years, which makes me one of the biggest idiots around. right? that's how i feel. i don't blame him for my still being here. well, i guess it's the children, now. of course i don't want them to think life is as fragile as all that. and i haven't worked for four years. i'd like to start working, but my work entails wacky hours, and it's tough to find childcare for that. plus, i'm a little scared. four years is a long time. and i don't have a car, so getting out of the city would be nearly impossible, and it isn't really feasible for me to stay in the city. but i can't blame him because he is who he is and i have really allowed all of this. but i am 34 and i need to think about the future. with him, the future will be eating cat food and living under a bridge. i want to make quilts, and you need clean hands for that. it's hard to keep your hands clean under a bridge.
hmm. i want our family together, but not my marriage.