I Want A Divorce But Am Afraid Of What's To Come....

I totally, completely and absolutely want a divorce. There's no if's, and's or but's about it...I *have* to divorce him.

I can't stand when he's around. Not that I hate him or wish him harm. He just makes me so completely on-edge, anxious and drives me into a full blown panic attack. I don't know why really. I'm sure the simple answer is that I don't like/love him anymore. But I think the real, deeper reason is that my body is responding to him on an unconscious level--telling me to get out, get away and stay away from him because I'm not living the life I'm supposed to.

In a sense, it's entirely *not* his fault even. Yes, he is abusive in many ways and yes, he does act like a 'typical man' and do dumb things without consulting me and all that kind of thing... But on a more personal, deep level, it's just that this life with him is *not* where I'm supposed to be. I don't know where that is--where I'm supposed to be--what I'm supposed to be doing--but the core of me is screaming, crying out that this is *wrong* and needs to end!

Everything about our life together is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Imagining having to go to his kids graduation, or spend time with his family after the dismal way they've treated me...Bleah! I'm strong enough to say "No" to it all. I will only do what I want to do since doing what he wants has caused me tremendous angst, resentment and bitterness. So I won't be attending these events where I feel 'icky' inside--if he doesn't like it, too bad...Perhaps things should have been handled differently so I didn't feel this way, but they are what they are now and he will have to live with the consequences of it all. How I feel is a result of my mistreatment. Had I actually been treated like a valued, sentient person or member of the family, I wouldn't feel this desire to cut myself off from them all. And being cut off isn't changing anytime soon. I decided after all the hurt and soul-searching that I didn't do anything wrong to be treated this way, so I'm going to look after myself and not have anything further to do with toxic people who cause me harm. It is not how I envisioned my married life, but I'd rather accept this harsh reality than live in a fairy-tale world where I pretend my in-laws care about me--or even worse, have me spend my life trying to get them to like me when I didn't do anything wrong for them *to* dislike me!

Since my life with my husband is completely *not* the way anyone would want their married life to be, I feel this tremendous sense of pain. And I know it's not fixable. I can't make people like me when I didn't do anything to cause them not to like me. And I can't in good conscience live with a man who has not stood up for me and protected *my* feelings and my personal integrity. I feel like my husband has never been in my corner in many regards. Yes he's been supportive and yes he's been there during crises, but he's let so many of his friends and family (and ex-wife) treat me unkindly and unfairly that I can't forgive or forget. Never did he stand up to any of them and stop them from being abusive to me. Instead I'm told to 'toughen up' or whatever else that makes it 'my fault'. Really it isn't. I'm a kind and genuinely nice person and I have been walked on and trampled by people because I'm just "the second wife". It's as though I've no value at all because I didn't produce kids like the first wife. Not to mention the fact that they just seem to not think a second marriage is as 'valid' as the first...Like somehow she's supposed to run his life forever and I'm supposed to shut up and let her drive...run my house, run the step-kids, run my husband... It's just not tolerable and is not acceptable anymore.

So I know divorce is the right thing...My heart and soul tell me it's best for everyone and really it is. You can cut the tension in our house with a knife. And like I say, having him around puts me on edge to the point that I have to take extra anti-anxiety meds and still I'm climbing the walls!

The only thing that scares me is losing the house. The house is the only 'security' I have. There's no way either of us could afford to keep it on our own. I really wouldn't want to keep it either...It was 'his' before I came along and had to re-purchase it from him and the ex...Supposedly that was going to make it 'mine'...but I'm constantly reminded how much 'his' it really is despite my having to pay for it all.
But still, a house is a house and that's security. My lawyer tried to say it's just a box that you decorate and I get that logic I really do. I'm just scared of living in a rental. How do you mentally make the switch from being an owner to a renter? How do you live day to day knowing that someone might want to sell the rental house? Or the apartment might raise the rent?
It seems so incredibly unstable and insecure...it scares me. Living with someone who triggers panic attacks is not a good feeling, but I can't imagine how panicked I'd get living in a rental situation...That seems very very scary coming from a homeowner.

But I know for sure that I'm divorcing him. I just need to figure out how to have a secure living arrangement for after the divorce. Being out there in the world is going to be scary...and for an anxiety-prone person, it's even more frightening.
juliannagoldenstein juliannagoldenstein
6 Responses Jan 16, 2013

You gotta get out hun, life is too short to be living in that situation any longer, good luck;)

Sorry you have to be in this situation Hun. Being a renter after being a home owner does take a little bit of an adjustment. I've been renting now for 4yrs after selling my home in NY and moving to SC. But it does have some benefits too. It's cheaper, no yard work,morgage taxes and if you don't like it ...you can leave and move again....hahah. You just might find that you have more courage then you realize. But don't fret about it any more..just talk the talk and walk the walk and you'll be fine. You sound like a very nice Lady and just need to get into the right enviroment to be happy... I'd like to suggest SC near Camden, nice horse country...hahaha

Renting has many advantages too. When something breaks you just pick up the phone ...No more unexpected repair bills. Its also easier to move when you want to ... You dont fell trapped inthe house like you do now,

As for making the beak, I havent been able to either.

I am a kindred soul with your desires to leave. I want a divorce but am afraid of the next chapter. Good luck. You will find lots of support on EP. Ignore the haters

Good luck! Once you get out, and on a healing path, you'll wonder why you didn't get out sooner. All you can do is your best, and what is right for you!

It's clear your feelings are strong about getting a divorce so don't let money and a house get in the way of that. You say you put money into the house so surely in the divorce you will get that money back? Even though its good to be smart about your security, your happiness should come first! If your worried about it that much wait until you have saved enough money for your own house? Or you could rent a house and then put some money away for your own house. Don't let him or his family get you down!! Just look forward to being free.