So Many Similarities.I browsed the stories here, and there are so many similarities to my own. I'm going to skip the details, because I am pretty emotional right now and I have some things I just need to get out.
Damnit. I always told myself I'd only get married once. I thought love would take us through it all. I gave her my everything. I have been painfully faithful, even through the years of false accusations. Instead of quitting, I went to her with honesty and pain. She threw it in my face.
I should have ended it then, but I didn't. I thought I was some knight in shining armor who could save her from her past, from her pain, and rescue our marriage. I spent so much money and time on therapy, romantic vacations, self help books. I gave everything I had left.
I tried to get over it, but she just dismissed the pain. My "midlife crisis" she now calls it... you know, that which started with me looking down the barrel of a pistol and ended in this quiet standoff we are in now. She "did nothing comparable" to what I did, which was writing an anonymous blog about my situation and the ways I was learning to cope. Yeah... none of the **** that drove me to that matters anymore, only the fact that I anonymously vented.
She makes no effort. I've tried just letting it all go and pretending I still love her... thinking that with time and practice we could regain some of what we lost. This is just proof to her that I am and always was the problem.
But she doesn't want it to end! The opposite, in fact. She threatens me with so many things that I know she couldn't manage - for I am no fool and I know the law. Failing that, she attempts suicide.
Yep, that works.
How cliche, I know. I would like to believe she's just blowing hot air, but that is a risk I can't take. My kids don't deserve that.
So, she makes sure that the situation will never improve. She has me imprisoned now, and God forbid she make a change that might enable me to leave without the whole world crashing down.
I live in silence, now. Desperate, longing, aching, dreaming silence. I want a divorce, but I don't want to drop the nuclear bomb that she would turn into on my and my kids lives.
I can't handle this **** much longer.
ShellOfAMan 31-35 4 Responses 4 Jan 22, 2013