Can't Afford It, But Want Her to Go!
To sum it up, I've been in a sexless mariage for over 10 years. The only sexual drive that my wife had was back when the hormones of first love was flowing, after that all the drive was mine for over ten years now. A year after her drive slowed, she started to exhibit signs that something was wrong. She held upset and anger far to long and built up resentment at any minor dissagreement we had. She never let anything go. She began to push away every touch I brought her way, so initiating anything was shut down. Asking became like gambling at the casinos. And the cold shoulder worsened over the years. My requests for change and indications of an issue were met with more of the same. The following is my last letter to her (talking only results in huge blow outs and distractions). All my talk with her has been the same over the years with NO change or effort on her part. I've had to work through emotional blackmail to get to the bottom of this and finally realize that I am okay.
I'm stuck right now and so hurting from the lack of love for so many years, but aside from that I'm okay. I don't know how to get out of this without lots of money and or loosing alot of my assets. I don't want to loose all of it at this age, but I don't enjoy not having love and affection.
To my wife:
You said some time back that you don't love me nor can you think of being affectionate with me. Well after years of pushing you and then making no effort on your part to read books on how to make things better, or seeing a counselor to build on affection, or putting forth any effort to bring affection, touch, and love to the table, you have caused me so much depression from this lack of love and this resentment you have towards it and me, that I have had to resort to taking antidepressants to fill the hole and emptiness where love, touch and affection should be. It will be a year in April.
I too can say now that I too do not love you, I am not in love with you, and I am only here because I love my house and I don't want to disrupt the kids lives; I love them too much and I want everything for them, which is why I want to take them to the snow sledding and skiing, to Disneyland, waterskiing, camping,....
You are a great mother, school volunteer and homemaker. But your constant negative comments, and pessimistic approach to things I do or suggest have pushed me down as far as I want to go. I wanted a positive and upbeat partner who would do anything and try anything and approach life with a positive outlook and desire to make things work. I wanted a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire. I have come to realize that all the sexual drive in our relationship was mine alone. I have come to realize that you don't love yourself, don't love your body, don't consider yourself sexy, you are depressed, you don't approach life with a positive outlook or desire to make things work. You are stuck in a time where you played softball and worked on an ambulance and you want nothing more. My desires, likes, desires to try new things, boating, motorcycles, music, and all that makes me up are not accepted by you but only tolerated. I feel you have never accepted me, my past, and who I was or who I am. I feel you continue to try and make me into something I am not and make me get rid of the things, and give up things that mean the most to me. The bottom line is you don't care about me, what I want, what I think, and you only tolerate me because I'm your meal ticket.
I'm not sure what my point is here. I don't want to leave my home that I worked so hard to build and I don't want to disrupt my kids lives. Beyond those two things, I have no idea what to do and I know you like the meal ticket that I have become for you, so you don't want things to change either.
- Our house is upside down, so there is no money to be had there.
- If I give up my pension or part of it to you I'm not sure if I could retire and afford to stay in this house.
- I can not buy you out, I don't think I have enough in my 457 deferment to buy you a house, but I wish I could.
- I know for a fact that I could never afford child support at 1700 a month, spousal support 1200 a month, and live in this house.
- I know for a fact that I could never keep you in this house AND afford to rent my own apartment and or have food money too( if you ever thought to take the house from me and have me pay for most of it)
- I know for a fact that even if there was equity in the house, that I still couldn't afford to buy you out and stay in this house with a higher payment and pay you child support and spousal support.
- I know that you could never afford this house and the bills, even if I were to pay you child support and spousal support.
I'm not sure what my point is here. I do know that divorcing or getting lawyers involved is only going to leave both of us with nothing five to ten years down the road.
I need love and affection and I don't feel that from you. I need to be heard, held, given lots of physical affection and loved unconditionally. I wanted a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire.
Most of the time what I feel from you is negative judgment, ridicule, jabs, attacks, resentment, and more. I feel like you barely put up with me and are constantly holding back from a desire to hurt me. I feel you ignore me and wish you could have all we have without me.
I know you will never change. I know you will never desire me or desire what I desire in the way of a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire.
You will never change your stripes.
I know that I should divorce you, but I don't know how to do that and maintain all we have and have both of us and the kids be happy.