Can't Afford It, But Want Her to Go!

To sum it up, I've been in a sexless mariage for over 10 years.  The only sexual drive that my wife had was back when the hormones of first love was flowing, after that all the drive was mine for over ten years now.  A year after her drive slowed, she started to exhibit signs that something was wrong.  She held upset and anger far to long and built up resentment at any minor dissagreement we had.  She never let anything go.  She began to push away every touch I brought her way, so initiating anything was shut down.  Asking became like gambling at the casinos.  And the cold shoulder worsened over the years.  My requests for change and indications of an issue were met with more of the same.  The following is my last letter to her (talking only results in huge blow outs and distractions).  All my talk with her has been the same over the years with NO change or effort on her part.  I've had to work through emotional blackmail to get to the bottom of this and finally realize that I am okay.

I'm stuck right now and so hurting from the lack of love for so many years, but aside from that I'm okay.  I don't know how to get out of this without lots of money and or loosing alot of my assets.  I don't want to loose all of it at this age, but I don't enjoy not having love and affection.

To my wife:

You said some time back that you don't love me nor can you think of being affectionate with me.  Well after years of pushing you and then making no effort on your part to read books on how to make things better, or seeing a counselor to build on affection, or putting forth any effort to bring affection, touch, and love to the table, you have caused me so much depression from this lack of love and this resentment you have towards it and me, that I have had to resort to taking antidepressants to fill the hole and emptiness where love, touch and affection should be.  It will be a year in April.

I too can say now that I too do not love you, I am not in love with you, and I am only here because I love my house and I don't want to disrupt the kids lives; I love them too much and I want everything for them, which is why I want to take them to the snow sledding and skiing, to Disneyland, waterskiing, camping,....

You are a great mother, school volunteer and homemaker.  But your constant negative comments, and pessimistic approach to things I do or suggest have pushed me down as far as I want to go.  I wanted a positive and upbeat partner who would do anything and try anything and approach life with a positive outlook and desire to make things work.  I wanted a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire.  I have come to realize that all the sexual drive in our relationship was mine alone.  I have come to realize that you don't love yourself, don't love your body, don't consider yourself sexy, you are depressed, you don't approach life with a positive outlook or desire to make things work.  You are stuck in a time where you played softball and worked on an ambulance and you want nothing more.  My desires, likes, desires to try new things, boating, motorcycles, music, and all that makes me up are not accepted by you but only tolerated.  I feel you have never accepted me, my past, and who I was or who I am.  I feel you continue to try and make me into something I am not and make me get rid of the things, and give up things that mean the most to me.  The bottom line is you don't care about me, what I want, what I think, and you only tolerate me because I'm your meal ticket.

I'm not sure what my point is here.  I don't want to leave my home that I worked so hard to build and I don't want to disrupt my kids lives.  Beyond those two things, I have no idea what to do and I know you like the meal ticket that I have become for you, so you don't want things to change either.

  • Our house is upside down, so there is no money to be had there.
  • If I give up my pension or part of it to you I'm not sure if I could retire and afford to stay in this house.
  • I can not buy you out, I don't think I have enough in my 457 deferment to buy you a house, but I wish I could.
  • I know for a fact that I could never afford child support at 1700 a month, spousal support 1200 a month, and live in this house.
  • I know for a fact that I could never keep you in this house AND afford to rent my own apartment and or have food money too( if you ever thought to take the house from me and have me pay for most of it)
  • I know for a fact that even if there was equity in the house, that I still couldn't afford to buy you out and stay in this house with a higher payment and pay you child support and spousal support.
  • I know that you could never afford this house and the bills, even if I were to pay you child support and spousal support.

I'm not sure what my point is here.  I do know that divorcing or getting lawyers involved is only going to leave both of us with nothing five to ten years down the road.

I need love and affection and I don't feel that from you.  I need to be heard, held, given lots of physical affection and loved unconditionally.   I wanted a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire.

Most of the time what I feel from you is negative judgment, ridicule, jabs, attacks, resentment, and more.  I feel like you barely put up with me and are constantly holding back from a desire to hurt me.  I feel you ignore me and wish you could have all we have without me.

I know you will never change.  I know you will never desire me or desire what I desire in the way of a partner, confidant, and lover with reciprocal sexual drive and desire.

You will never change your stripes.

I know that I should divorce you, but I don't know how to do that and maintain all we have and have both of us and the kids be happy.   


pusherseven pusherseven
17 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Hi all. Going through a similar thing myself but I'm seeing the 'kids' thing differently myself. We've always been just me earning and have two kids under 5 so have never spent much money. I expect to be way less frustrated and at least slightly happier after the split and the kids can only benefit from this. They do not care how expensive their clothes are or which fancy restaurants they go to at the weekend. They just want to be loved and wanted by each of their parents. The BEST relationships are derived from those with little money since they are 'forced' to actually interact and spend time with each other. Plus we are betraying them by staying together - they will otherwise grow up thinking this loveless relationship is normal and how it should be. No way! My kids will benefit when we split, at least in the long term, of that I have no doubt.

she is nothing but a mouth piece - hatred at this time is an understatement -

my wife is an unsophoiscated useless *** -

When I first read this, I swore my husband wrote it. I'm not a difficult person for others, but I am for my poor husband.<br />
I want a divorce, but I'm scared for the boys and myself. Barely working right now and I know I'll need to work, which is fine. I just want my husband to find someone who can love him like he needs to be loved.<br />
One day we will get the nerve to "get er done" once and for all. Good to know he isn't the only one in a loveless marriage.

I'm honestly not trying to attack on you, but you sound like my wife. If you know that you are like this, why not change? If he is a good husband and provider, then what else do you want? Why is it so worth losing him just to ensure that your way of life is preserved without compromise?

I feel you wrote that letter to my wife. I just had the divorce discussion with her and the big problem is that we can afford it. But I too am trying to stay string for my children. One of them who I have raised that is not "mine" but is my son! I hope I can find the answers because I can't do this anymore and I don't want my children hurt.

Wow I dont have it half as bad as most I feel really sorry for you all. My wife cheated on me about 4 years ago and because I was deploying so i basically kept it together for the kids, and she humbled herself, but recently after returning from another deployment she acts very "strong" like she doesnt need me but spending +300 dollars of the money I earned on deployment on clothes, and herself. We got into an arguement last week and she said "Yeah I cheated on you so what?" She had no respect for me but what can I do? I'm E6 in the Navy with a mortgage and 2 kids. All I can think of at least if we split she'll be in bad shape because I techincally dont make anything. she can get a large portion of my pay, but its not enough to live in our home. I dont know what to do...Reading the prior posts, I will say "finding myself a sweet thing" is not what I'm looking for at the very least I want solitude.

I am also dying to get rid of my husband. He hasn't worked in three years and I'm afraid he will get the little I have and the lawyers will get the rest. He is in the house all the time and waits for me or one of my three kids to come home so he can scream at us. Help!!!

Amen brother! I feel the exact same way about my husband and the feeling is aweful. Hope you find your happiness!!!!

It's been a long road. I divorced the woman who gave me a sexless marriage and manipulated me to no end. Over time it became clear that she had serious issues and from my arm-chair diagnosis I am positive that she has personality disorders of narcissism, and borderline personality; it continues to this day, only worse. There were times when her lawyer, my lawyer and I would look at her and become frustrated with her inability to see what was clear to everyone else in the room. It was nice to have that validation that I wasn't the only one struggling with her. There were times when even her lawyer laughed at her because she was such and idiot and ***. To this day, my ex clearly has issues and over the last few years more people (neighbors and friends) who were close to her are now seeing exactly what I was seeing; the narcissism, the controlling, the manipulation, and more. Just the other day one of her friends came up to me and told me how much they want to punch her in the face; she's that bad. The bottom line is toxic people will ruin you. Your choice is stay and die or leave and live. My focus now is on my children and making sure they have fun with me and they see good balance and a positive approach in all areas of my life as an example for them.

You're not a mealticket for your wife if you can't even afford spousal support! Come off it, buddy. Don't look at yourself that way because that makes your wife hate you more. My husband thinks he's my mealticket, and that just makes me think he's a big FAT loser. I could make my own money, but took a year off to be with the baby. All the did all year was remind me who pays the bills (him). I hate him so much because of that....more than you could know. It doesn't even sound like you have a whole lot of money, since you're all worried about it with your bulleted list. You're not even a mealticket, though you may indeed be a wonderful human being.

My marriage is much the same with my husband. I struggled for years trying to make it work. Now I just do not care. I wish you could be free to find real love. Life grows shorter. You will end up like me if you are not careful. I had a lot of good reason for waiting till later on to get out. Now I am older and think I waited to long. I do not think there is love out there for me, not sure it is important any more. Just wish for peace and contentment. You need to keep thinking of a way to find a little happiness where ever you can get it. It will better than nothing at all. I have money and believe me it isn't everything that counts.

Unfortunatly I to understand what you ae living to well.But I have been going through a rare innerear sickness for a few years. I am not able to be on my own right now.But you are!!!You are healthy!!!Do what you have to inorder to be happy while you can.Believe me I was perfecly fine.Than one day I woke up at 39 and my whole world was different. I was sick.<br />
You only have one life.There are no re-do's......<br />

I have to apologize to willpowers in a very small degree. It just dawned on my that it is my wife who willpowers should be directing his story to.<br />
Don't get me wrong, I still feel that his advice is shallow and short sighted.<br />
BUT!!!! My wife played basketball in highschool and was voted MVP multiple times. She would get willpowers' story and possibly understand how going from her "A" game as an MVP, then putting forth zero effort (say bench warmer, 4th string) has turned our marriage into the last team in the league.<br />
Being the simple to please guy I am, if she were to understand that she should have stepped it up from just offering her body as meat saying in a real monotone, so you want to do this (what she said the first time), TO the next level like creating the mood and tender four-play minus the neanderthal invitation. And then built on it, rather than depending on all my drive over many years, then there might be hope.<br />
I'm not going to hold my breath though. Thinkers like this usually miss the point.<br />
Willpowers I'd like you to meet my wife, you and her were meant for each other.

For those of you who missed it, the member "willpowers" posted here with some abstract and superficial insight as to my problem and the solution.<br />
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He challenged me to go out and try to "pick up" "beautiful women” in the gym, store, or where ever and "gain their interest" and then try to "hold their interest".<br />
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He pretended to be polite and ask me if he could share my story and responses to women he knows and let them analyze my story, and comment on what they thought, as if the members here aren't valid.<br />
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He had the audacity to place ridiculous rules on his challenge to “pick up a beautiful woman”, and he then insulted me by saying that he thought that I couldn't “pick up” and hold a woman’s interest. <br />
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When I went to his profile, I found he had only one friend. His three stories, one of ******* off a member here, how he hates internet social networks (how ironic), and how he thinks everyone can fix their relationship by “Bringing your “A” game” to your mate, as if your mate has no issues what so ever.<br />
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First off he never addressed my desire to divorce and or how to overcome or minimize the loss of assets, which is what my post is about. He doesn’t listen or read.<br />
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Second, pretending for a minute that I wanted to go out and find a woman, I told him that in today's day and age the ability to narrow my odds at finding a more perfect match using the many dating services out there was a more intelligent approach. I told him that to look for an attractive woman was superficial and gaining and holding their interest is all fine and good, but in the long run it will do nothing when the chemical romance wears off and you are done fluffing your feathers and you just want to have reciprocal love, intimacy, desire, and sharing. He never addressed the long term. He said that people lie on dating services and put up false information so what we are left with is “willpowers” way or the highway.<br />
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I took the time to read “willpowers” story on his profile, on how to save your relationship. What I found was a fanciful story of basketball, in which he claims he had an enlightening moment and a new way to look at relationships. The story was and is long and getting longer. BUT, when it comes to clinical trials, double blind studies and what we have all probably learned through years of reading published and proven data and we compare it to “willpowers” fanciful story of basketball, we see ghetto alley psychology that falls flat on it’s face. <br />
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Willpowers’ insight and advice is vague, shallow, simplistic, unintelligent, and propped up with some fanciful story of basketball. Willpowers epiphany is a teenager’s version of the book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” all in the goal of “picking up” and “holding the interest” of “beautiful” women. As if non-model status women are some lesser being.<br />
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Willpowers reference to “beautiful” women do not take into account women’s interests, desires, activities, goals, educational accolades, career direction, or anything with substance.<br />
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Willpowers’ entire premise is based simplistically on the actions of the man or pursuant to “Bring Game” as he puts it. He does not take into account the complex and dynamic actions, desires, or history of the other person, or as he puts it the “beautiful” woman. Instead, willpowers’ reference to woman and his approach is pure womanizing. Willpowers story and answers to relationship problems reek of a Casanova, a Don Juan, a lady’s man, a philanderer plain and simple.<br />
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I have not been the only recipient of willpowers’ advice. It appears that many others here have heard from this deaf, but loud ghetto alley psychologist and have not appreciated his shallow insight. <br />
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To you willpowers, I wish you well in your learning, but to do so you need to talk less and listen more. To be blunt (as if I haven’t been here), you are at square one on a huge learning curve. You’d make a great professor on Jerry Springer, but when you want to play in the big leagues, your so called “A game” is nothing more than a Fisher Price preschool toy basketball slam dunk that any four year old can pull off. Rather than shooting hoop, which you wasted too much time on in college, try picking up a book or two that have proven clinical data, read it and don’t replace it with your reality, you might learn something.<br />
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To everyone else and to the staff at EP, please dump this guy willpower he’s pulling down too many people here with this ghetto BS. He doesn’t listen and he is handing out unwanted advice on a Jerry Springer level. No one needs this crap from him except maybe high school boys, but then that would be irresponsible to have him teach this womanizing abusive behavior to more young men. Dump him, please!!!

Thank you Bananafone and Sahira. It is a tough spot and a delicate process. EP is giving me many insights and paths to follow. <br />
Bananafone, do you mind telling me how old your kids are and at what age do you think it is understandable for them.

Hang in there man.<br />
I know how you feel, I am in a similar situation with a sexless marriage, and at my wits end with her. I just want to say that I know what this is like, I want to leave too but can not swing it financially till she is done with school. Its a terrible feeling being trapped like this.<br />
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You are not alone.

wow. I totally understand. The only thing I disagree with is the kids part. Staying together for the kids, always hurts the kids. They know something is wrong. And living this way, teaches them to accept the unacceptable in their future adult lives. That is why I am honest with my kids. They know I want a divorce. They also know we don't have much money as it is. My youngest doesn't understand it all. All I can do is hope to change things as soon as I can to live a more honest life. <br />
The stress of living like this, with his denial, is killing me.<br />
I wish you much luck and love in your journey.