Step One the Final Straw

For those of you who know me, I've had a final straw moment.

For those who don't know me, see my story under "Living in a Sexless Marriage" and "can't afford.." here in "I Want a Divorce"

So, I had a final straw moment.

I know it sounds stupid, but at first I didn't know why I had posted my feelings and current sexless situation on my facebook page, but I did.

It was buried way down at the bottom in the about me section and you had to dig for it. Well apparently it wasn't that hard to find, because my wife read it within two hours of my posting it.

Looking back I suppose I was tired of getting no response at all for 10 years and I wanted to drum her up to her feet, so I could have a talk about it with her. I thought possibly she would be civil about it, slightly angry, but civil and ask questions.  After all the warning signs that things were going south were right under her nose.  I started taking antidepressants due to the heartbreak and sadness over her lack of affection and touch for so many years and with me asking time and time again with no response or effort to change.  It's not like she didn't know, I said to her many times that that is why I was taking the medications!!!

Again, I don't know what I was thinking or why I posted my situation facebook.

The response I got was explosive, threatening, and hostile. Even though her response came over the phone, it was such a violent verbal confrontation, that I was shocked, hollowed out, and dropped to the floor from her verbal explosion.

I could do nothing but ask in a shocked and disgusted tone how she could ignore my statement of feelings and attack me so boldly.

In her violent verbal response, she said, "how dare" I "post our issues on a public sight for all to see", she said I "have no right to post those things" for anyone to see. She said many other things that went along the lines of "how dare" I do such a thing. Then she said that I "should put a gun in my mouth and blow my head off". She accused me of looking for sympathy. She threatened me in two ways, saying that if I wanted to come home, that I should remove the post. And she said, "Do you want me to divorce you and take everything". The conversation was all about her and how could I do such a thing to her.

Near the end of the phone call, my response was that I could see that she was not concerned about anyone but herself, that I was her meal ticket, that she has spent years using emotional outbursts like this to avoid the issues of affection and intimacy, that she has failed time and time again to show any hint of empathy and caring for me and my feelings, that she has done nothing with the many books and offers for counseling I have offered her to reach a better relationship, that she had just boldly and in my face threatened me with blackmail to keep me in this relationship, and that the comment to suggest I blow my head off was nothing more than a down right sick, twisted, and insane statement to a person who is saying they are feeling neglected, ignored, and not been given love and affection from her.

A second phone call that day to her didn't go much better, but at some point of me reintegrating her lack of empathy (to say the least), she admitted that she might be clinically depressed, have issues with intimacy, and need counseling.  Something she has said before and done nothing about.

As big and wild as those phone calls sounded, when I got home from work, it was as if nothing happened.

It was then I knew that nothing would change. I had seen this time and time and time again.  I realized, that her whole tactic, whether conscious or subconscious, was to manipulate me any way she could, not change on her part, make me look like I had issues, and keep the relationship intact for her meal ticket. It was so in my face that there was no missing it this time. All my research, reading, and sifting through her smoke and mirrors of many years allowed me to see through the fog. I was able to deflect all her tactics this time and at that point the game that she used was right out in the open and exposed clear as day.

I was floored and relieved all at the same time. I knew then that I had no love for this woman.

The next few days, I let her know that what she had said and demonstrated was selfishness, blackmail, threats, and a sad attempt to keep me in a relationship simply to maintain her meal ticket. It didn't seem to matter. She had no response.

Over the last few years, in a few arguments she stated that she didn't love me anymore due to me bringing up minor issues about the affection, but more over my angry words (which she forgets every time, was due to her creating side issues as distractions). This time it was my turn and I let her know that I did not lover her any more and was not in-love with her and I felt that it would not be possible to regain that feeling again after what she had said. The difference is mine is not a tactic.

It is the first step. I'm still taking my time. I believe from her track record that she feels she has me under wraps again, and in her control. It won't be easy, but it is time to start the process and make it clear that I want a divorce.

It's funny. I feel better. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. When I think that there will soon be a day when she and I will be apart and I will be able to find true affection and love again, I feel so good.

What is stranger and more telling is that when I begin to think that maybe she may want to patch things up, I don't feel happy at all. I know she will never fill my desires or ever prove to me now that her love is true. All I can see is that her motivation would be to keep things status quo and it would be a lie of a relationship simply for her gain. new Ajax.InPlaceEditor('cedit_1536714', '/ajax/edit_entry_comment.php', {rows:5,cols:60,callback: function(form, value) { return 'c=1536714&e=464001&comment=' + escape(value) }});

pusherseven pusherseven
13 Responses Feb 25, 2009

take heart

It's been a long road. I divorced the woman who gave me a sexless marriage. Now I'm dealing with co-parenting and unfortunately my ex continues to operate in a narcissistic and borderline personality. It's not easy, but at least I don't live with her and have to see it or be inside her den of negativity. Instead that negativity comes in emails that I can click away. I also took the time to go date with a check list and fresh reminders of what I hate, so it was alarming when red flags came up and easy to kick those incompatible women to the curb. I learned to be selfish and take being called an *******. I did find a woman who listens, talks, and practices introspection. She doesn't exactly like being called on the carpet, but who does? What's different is that she comes back right away; within 24 hours and admits her part and takes action to make changes; it's refreshing and heavenly to know I'm with a normal person. My ex clearly has issues and over the last few years more people (neighbors and friends) who were close to her are now seeing exactly what I was seeing; the narcissism, the controlling, the manipulation, and more. I even had one of her friends come up to me and tell me how much they want to punch her in the face now. The bottom line is toxic people will ruin you and your choice is stay and die or leave and live.

Pusherseven... What's your status? Did you get out? Or did you let her reel you back in? I just read this post and maybe you've updated the status somewhere else, but I did notice you current group icons on your page. I've been in a similar relationship for years, but have children that I intend to raise before I get the hades out. Hang in there dude, but do the right thing for yourself!

It's beautiful here in California today; mid 80's, blue sky, and blooms and birds! I love spring!<br />
Gonna start the separation papers this week. We'll see if she's gonna be a demon or an angel. I have to ask her some questions about property and if we want to set up contingencies for the day when one of us moves out; nesting until then, unless everything explodes. Could be years of nesting, but at least I can go out and find my love. I'm excited either way!!!! I suppose that means I'm done being conflicted, hurt, sad, angry, and lost. I know my future is wide open, and so am I, but I will not settle and I know it and I am comfortable with any outcome or path that I need to travel.<br />
I'm not sure if it helped, but I read the book "The Shack".<br />
Any way here I go!

WOW - I know how you feel. You sound pretty amazing & know exactly what you want & need. <br />
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I can totally relate to you & what you are going through.<br />
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Go out there & find "her" - your wife will be sorry one day xx

Wow. As I read this I imagined my husband writing this about me.

Thanks usair, you are right and I do think I need a break or at least learn the ability to take things slow and not commit, rebound, or fall for every woman that I go to bed with. In the past I really had a bad habit of falling for every woman I went to bed with. I need to look at that and learn to interview (date) better; my poor skills at that have gotten me in trouble a few times. There were a few times that I did maintain a physical relationship and I was honest with her, and she was fine with that. It's just that the really pretty ones cause me to want to lock it in; superficial I know; STUPID me. I'm always learning; the hard way.<br />
Leiza350, thanks for the laugh. The people here always manage to lift my spirits as you did. I enjoy to laugh especially now, when I know I need it. Thanks!

Dont listen to usair, if he saw a woman he'd faint

I think the worst thing is when they are gone you miss them, but all you have to do , to replace them is turn on talk radio,<br />
and hen you start dating again, if ever, when they come to your house, tell them to drop their coat on a chair, do not let them hang it in a closet, cuzzzzzz they think at that point they are going to move in, you need to take a brake on some one living with you ...and considerate on you.......

Thanks for sharing, you sound like you have many of the same issues I do.<br />
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The other day I found a commune, where you work and they provide a place to stay, food and little or no money. I told my wife I was considering it because it would meet my needs and leave no money for her to attach. She went ballistic!

I learned a long time ago, when there is no sex there is no love. Thats the first thing that goes

At least you will allways know and can honestly say that you have tired. Which in your case I have to give you allot of credit for putting up with a women who would treat you so wrong. i'm also glad that you are not bad mouthing all womena dn know that there are still good ones out there and your open to new begings down the road and not lumping all women into the same boat. i wish you the best of luck on your journey.x

Wow, what an awakening you have experienced. It sounds like you took your time in making this decision and that you want to move forward in this divorce. I wish you luck as you go through the process and also I wish you happiness, love, affection, and an equal giving partner for your future.