For Less Than a Good Reason

I want a divorce, but unlike most of you I’m not sure I have good cause. I can and do have sex with my wife as often as I want. She has done nothing wrong. I want her to be a different person, but don’t want to force her to change.

I feel she doesn’t love me. She insists she does but is just poor at showing it. Last June I asked her if she were interested in divorcing and she said no. She went as far as to threaten suicide if I left.   The problem is we just don’t share any interests anymore.   I used to compromise a lot to make things work. So did she. Since I asked for the divorce last June, I no longer compromise at all. She is compensating for it by compromising more.   I don’t want to make her compromise.   I have not said “I Love you” since June. I used to say (and mean it) often. She doesn’t even seem to notice that I've stopped. I have made it very clear we no longer “make love”. When I initiate sex, I usually do so by saying something like “Can I use your c***, I want to get laid”. She always complies. My sense is she enjoys that much better than when we used to “make love”.   She’s certainly gets more into it. When she wants it she teases it up with her hand and says nothing.   Like many people here I am somewhat trapped in a house that were upside down on the mortgage and the neither one of us could afford on our own. Our daughter finishes high school in a year and a half, I am pretty sure after she graduates I’m making the break.
MarkFree MarkFree
51-55, M
6 Responses Feb 25, 2009

Sorry Mark :-( I wish you were happier.

No one can actually change someone else. Only themselves can change themself... if that made sense. You could beg and wrap yourself in a body bag and i doubt they will still 360 change. It sounds like you both want a change but don't definately know what. I would suggest counseling as well just to locate where you two are in this marriage. Some people get divorces over the silliest things but sometimes they are also the important things. Don't let yourselves become miserable because you're changing into something you're not totally to make the other happy. If you do, the whole marriage will end up one sided and won't know who its actually benefiting. Marriage is about compromising most of the time because, duh, everyone is different. Its not like the husband and wife (also applying to same sex marriages) are the same person. So its only natural you are going to hit a snag on the extra activities. One is a couch potatoe and the other is a workout nut. Don't mean the two can't figure something out. Sometimes the marriage is just doomed and will not work for oe reason or another. But don't start packing the bags until two BOTH know what you want. I know you can't be heartless enough to just say "F*** You" and just walk out the door.

I just spent a week out of town without my wife - it was wonderful. As soon as I got home, I knew I wanted out.

"Have you ever danced with someone who didn't want to dance with you? Its just not fun."<br />
So True So True<br />
I constantly say to my husband that if he isn't going to go with me with the right mindset then I don't want him there. When you force people to "try" and enjoy things, they tend to only bring you down.

I want her to want the things I want. If she were to change for me, it wouldn't be the same. Have you ever danced with someone who didn't want to dance with you? Its just not fun.

Markfree, <br />
I first see that she has tried blackmail to get you to stay in the relationship, saying she will hurt herself. <br />
I can only speak of my experiences and when it comes to blackmail it has only been from a selfish prospective of the person laying it out there. I says nothing of a desire to change in my experience. The person who lays it out there hopes the threat is enough to keep you there and that is as far as the thought goes.<br />
What I am confused about is that you don't want her to change. I know that at this point in my marriage if my wife were to try, the change would not feel real and probably be fake and barely tolerated, and most likely break down a year or two or less later. Is that where you are at?<br />
Not having a lot in common is hard. I know what that is like. I feel for you buddy. Crossing lines and showing interest is key and if one can't seem to do that it feels very one sided. In my case I get hints and up front suggestions all the time to give up many of my likes because she feels I am the only one who likes them. Suddenly my likes are not valid and only her's are. It's once again pure selfishness and lopsidedness with little or no understanding, compassion, love, or support. I know that feeling all too well.<br />
I wish you luck and patients. It sounds as if you are taking your time and being true to reality and your desires. <br />
Keep posting and reading. We are all here to help by sharing. It's the same all around and we all want to do, learn, and live the successful experiences that others have mapped out before us. It's lucky for us many have experiences of climbing out of the hole and how to do it.