Doubt

I always think that I'm a failure in my family. and for that, I have a lot of questions i want to ask to my mother. I want to ask you Mom, do you ever, even for just a second regret my existence, regret for having me as one of your children? do you ever wonder, deep in your heart, what it will be like to have a different daughter…. Daughter that isn’t me?
Mom, do I make you so tired and sore…. Too tired and sore that accidentally your mind slipping that thought…. ‘what a useless pathetic gift you are’?
Mom, do you ever miss me, even in slightest, that you wonder in your day ‘how is my daughter doing?’ do you worry about my well being when I’m far? Pry day and night that I have it good and nice all the time?
Mom, I did so much failures in my life, do my failures hurt you mom? Hurt you enough for you to not stand seeing my face? Have you ever feel hopeless about me mom,,, about all my bad,,, that I am bad enough for you wanting to just give up…. Giving me up?
Can you mom, feel what I feel? When it hurt so much to stand? Can you feel it when I’m in pain, gasping for air, drowning in despair? Can you feel it mom? Will you know if I’m breaking and falling? Will you rush forward to grasp my body and pull me into your arm? Or will you see me shattered in piece for trying to make you look at me again, like the time when I didn’t fail?
Will you know if I hide tears behind my eyes? Will you feel it in your skin when I cry, trying to hold that little light left in my dark corridor? Can you feel it mom, can you feel it then wish you could come? Or will you turn away, shame from the discovery? Do my tears even work on you, mom?
When I failed and fall mom, are you still going to open the door and let me stay, scolding me for being careless and stupid and then hug me, saying that the only thing i can do when i fall is stand up again, that you will hold me until I’m ready to walk again? Or…. Will you stare me down next to the door and focus to my failure?
Do you love me mom? Do you love me enough to give all, to forgive all?
Do I even worth your love mom? How much do I mean to you? Are you sad when I’m leaving? Do you hurt when I’m sick and losing?

cause your words are my rise as well as my fall. why can't you understand, it's always about you mom...
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22-25
Dec 15, 2012