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Some Days More Than Others...

     Being single is great. You have no one to answer to but you, you're completely independent, and you can do what you want, when you want, and not really have to worry about someone else's feelings or what someone else thinks. Now that I write that, that sounds incredibly selfish. But the independence is the key thing, selfishness notwithstanding.

      It's just, some days, I get lonely. I feel empty. I see other couples walking around, holding hands, kissing, constant smiles on their faces. It sickens me. Not in a bad way, it's just because I'm bitter. Because it's coming up on 3 years since I've had a girlfriend in the true sense of the word. I've come close, gone on dates, but things just never seemed to work out. Three long, lonely years.

    It's not like I'm not happy with my life though. I have great, great friends, both guys and girls. I'm studying things I'm really interested in, and I'm out on my own for the first time in my life. I've really never been happier with my life than these years in college. And yet, I miss that connection.

    That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to.

I want to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything. Someone to go out with on weekends, to do things I wouldn't normally do with my friends. Someone to challenge me and support me. I want to have someone to look good for. To be my very best for. Someone to just hold when I've had a crappy day, someone to go to share everything when I've had a great day. I miss the holding hands, the kissing, the things that so sicken me when I'm on the outside looking in at what I can't have. I want to stop pretending that it doesn't bother me that I have no one on Valentine's Day, even if it is a fake holiday pushed by card companies. I want that connection. With anyone, with every girl I see walking by, with every girl that talks to me, it's at the forefront of my mind more and more these days.

From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great movie, by the way): "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't mean this completely literally, I don't fall in love with everyone, I just see every girl as an opportunity I'm not taking, especially when they show that kind of attention to me, which really doesn't happen that often.

In just about 2 months, I'll have been alone for 3 years, and have never been in love. Tennyson definitely got it right:

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all." 

KeasbeyNights KeasbeyNights 22-25, M 70 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Your Response


Dear friend, you are working and studying for your future soul mate. You are a man that will support your girl friend when she will pregnant and have a child. You can start to do everything for your future wife. You should prepare your self financially for her.

My husband and I were very lonely individuals. We both were unhappy with our lives. My husband has strong financial status. I was a very naive and vulnerable woman because of my family back ground. I thanks God that makes we meet each other. My husband was single until 49 year old. His friend thought that he will never get married. He often got a wrong girl friend. But he married me when he was 50 year old.

Dear friend, I believe you will meet your soul mate not for so long. You need to wait. You are still young I believe next few years she will come to your life.
If you believe in God you will have to start to pray. I met my husband when I prayed for soul mate to Jesus.

def wife time amigo

those feeling pass once you have passed the 10 year mark.

I really feel what you're feeling. It's like someone put my feelings into words that I am not quite able to put into words. I never ever had a girlfriend. I'm quite okay with singleness but sometimes it's really tough when you have that burning sensation in your heart where you long for that someone special who is dear to your heart, who's your other half, your better half.. Who is there to care for you, encourage you, support you, and who you can pour your heart out to.

It's odd how I've had the same feeling, but not the slightest idea of how to put into words. You've done just that for me, thank you.

Dude!!! Just do it! The best thing about a girl you don't know is..... YOU DONT KNOW HER!!! Say anything, even if you think its dumb, she's too good for you, or whatever you say to yourself that stops you. Worst case scenario you are still single.

I feel as though you have to bring something to that women that she needs! Can't be without! You both have to share that passion for one another! Do you believe in a higher power? or have something that you and that special person can share a special place? That's home base! I use God! He is our foundation... what we run back to when we lose site but you can use other things if that is not your belief system but it works. A Family that prays together stays together. Hey become a millionaire and that will help a lil go here and check it out!

I feel the same except i'm a girl. I want someone to be happy with me and for me. :-)

Amen! want to be in a relationship with just any girl? :S i find that bizarre...personally, i have to REALLY like a guy to be in a relationship with him - i have to decide he is the one that i want to be with. i couldn't just pick & choose between guys like i was shopping.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I totally feel your pain, as I'm in just about the same situation myself.

What really spoke to me is the falling in love with every girl thing XD I'm the same way, even if I don't really like the person. Although I'm different from you in that I don't need someone to talk to, but instead miss being the emotional anchor. I need people, to need me, if that makes sense.

it s sad that there are so many females as males in same boat weather shy or don t get chance to meet or million other reasons. like to see em all get together. i know os couple people that had there heart broke so bad that they will never trust again even afraid to let go and fall in love. always have guard up?? dating sites can be good but lot of them are filled with scam artists . so you do have to be carefull.

Everything that follows an "I want" line, confirms something that you do not [ think to have ] have or something that you [ think to ] need, that is to me, the not-so-good-news<br />
<br />
There is nothing that you need to have apart from yourself to be happy<br />
<br />
No I myself do not have a relationship currently, unless my partner has become very small and stays aside me without my knowledge ;)<br />
<br />
Yes I have had 4 relationships, 3 with a girl and one with a boy, well let's say it was kinda complicated;)<br />
<br />
Obviously there is something missin' [ in your opinion ] otherwise you would not have written such detailed story, which, to me, was expressed well, and easy and interesting to read.<br />
<br />
Well to cut a long story short, I am not a relationship therapist, otherwise I would have had a relationship myself still, or maybe not;)<br />
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That is it, my two cents of added value, in euros of course haha ;)

I think being single is an advantage if you want to do things on your own with out discussion and think in your mind your would have no one to answer two ? But if u love some one and they love you there should be no one holding any one back and If a relation ship is strong you both should be able to help each other with what they want to achieve , it shouldn't be about saying you can't do this and you can't do that I think the key is if you want to do some thing do it but if the other person wants to do something dnt stop them it has to work both ways split down the middle an if you come to a gridlock on something talk about it an compromise that's my theory lol never found any one to think like me yet but I live in hope ha ha x

I understand where you're coming from 100%. I've been going through this as well. Walking down the street and seeing couples I get depressed because I'm constantly asking myself when am I going to find that. But it will happen eventually I guess don't worry. They say good things happen to those who wait. My advice is don't go out looking for love and stressing yourself out about it. When you do that, you just end up wasting your time and never actually finding what you're looking for. Occupy yourself with other things. Take finding a girlfriend completely out of your mind. I promise she'll walk into your life when you least expect it :)

This is exactly me, except I'm a girl, so I guess it happens to both genders. It's that "forever alone" concept and you just can't seem to break out of it. Maybe that special person hasn't come along yet, there's no rush. Just enjoy life and one day she'll just pop in when your least expecting it, bright and shining, and everything will just fall into place. Have a little faith, it'll go a long way.

if you ever need a girls advice dear im here add me and i'll give you advice

pfft i just broke up with mine a few hours ago. its nice to be single. no more complaining or any of that crap.

I have been divorced for the past 28 years, with many failed relationships following that divorce. I pretty much resigned myself to the possibility that I would spend the rest of my life alone. (Alone, but not lonely; there is a difference.) As it turns out, however, the universe had a different plan for me. Through Facebook, I reconnected with a high school acquaintance. He told me that I was his "secret love" in high school, but he was too shy to tell me. He said he would watch me every day as I walked from class to class, wishing he could find the courage to ask me out. Fast-forward: forty-one years later, we are dating exclusively and are very much in love; there may even be wedding bells in our future.<br />
<br />
It is never too late to find love; the important thing is to be open to it.

i am 21...never had a girlfriend....wish i had someone to hold when i had a bad day....:-(

There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to being single. But from your comments you seem to be concentrating on the disadvantages. What about the serenity and calm that comes from doing what you wish... when you wish? You can have your castle neat and clean or have live with your own clutter. If you don't feel like doing the dishes you don't have to. You can watch what you want on TV. Of course you reap the consequences of every action... or lack of action. ;)<br />
<br />
As several have pointed out and I will certainly echo... a bad relationship is even worse. What seems on the outside as all warm and fuzzy could be a tension of words and issues at other times. You have a lot of freedom right now. Revel in it.<br />
<br />
Ask a married person how much freedom they have? How much sleep they get? What problems they had do deal with in their own home last week... disposal income because of their responsibilities? Add one... two... or more kids to the mix... and your life right now will seem like nirvana... or heaven in comparison. They will be envious of your freedom and your situation.<br />
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So yes... that intimacy can be very tempting... very desirable. And some don't cope well with being alone for long periods. But... there are other ways to mix with friends... or make new friends and share a part of your life. But solitude has its rewards if you seek them out and enjoy them to the fullest.

i hope im not repeating anything anyone else said, dont have the patience to go through previous comments. Yes you may be able to share things with that one person, and she or he can share things with you. But that one person is never going to be able to offer you everything. even if you think he or she does, he or she cant, its simply impossible. i find it better to be single for the rest of your life, yes, sounds depressing, however, you learn more about the world itself than seeing the world inside one human being. The world is an amazing place, so travel it, learn about its wonders, secrets, phenomenons, etc. A woman nor another man can offer something so amazing, they can only offer themeselves and what they have to offer. If you explore more, you meet new people who have more to offer, each thing to offer being new each time. You just wouldnt have that kind of freedom in a relationship. no one needs love to survive in life, screw that and the people that think it.

Dear, <br />
<br />
you are describing me when you write this, I even had some tiny tears gathered in my eyes .. <br />
love is a great gift, at some point i said "love forgot about me" even though I deserve to love and to be kissed over and over again .. there is nothing wrong with me :) <br />
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I love love, and I love to see those who are in love.. and deep inside of me .. even though am happy where I am .. I want to be inlove <br />
<br />
I hate it when I get romantic, when I write poetry.. and can't give that to someone.. I want a man that I write my poetry to .. <br />
when I day dream .. I want a real face .. not any actor I saw in some movie .. :) <br />
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i love myself, i love my friends and I love people all around me .. call it passion for life, and that helps me to think of other things than a love between a woman and a man .. <br />
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I just look at myself in the mirror and say " how could any man not see you as a woman?" <br />
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of course, there comes the part when u finally gave your heart to someone and were too afraid to tell him, he loved your best friend! WOW... what a beautiful experience ! haha .. I like to joke about my life .. yeah he was a fool, for loving her eyes instead of mine.. but u know what ?! love will be found, when we least expect it ..<br />
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just go, and never expect it :) .. <br />
<br />
<br />
peace *hugs*<br />
<br />
<br />
u need a new friend ? text me ;) ! I know i do

I can feel you pain. I'm 45 years old and I have NEVER had a significant other. It's not like I've not tried; but every time I've asked someone to go out they come up with some excuse. Then I see them with a guy the very next day. It has been years since I've tried to go out on a date. To tell you the truth, I've quit trying. It's obvious females don't want a guy like me. I don't look like other guys (i.e. not very good looking) plus I've had some problems in the past with my personal life that probably has scared them off. I would love to have someone to go out with from time to time but it's just not meant to me. I might as well accept it. At least you're younger and have got some time; my time for finding someone has just about run out. I hope you do have a family that loves you because, outside of my family, no one cares about me. I guess when all my relatives die I might as well kill myself because it will be better to be in a better place with people I know than here on earth all alone. Take care of yourself and do good in college.

I agree with you JustBeWhoYouAre, but sometimes it is difficult for someone who does not fully comprehend the concept of "true-self", to find it.<br />
I have tried to find my true-self and I believe I have grasped a little bit of it for just a few times in my life, and it has felt great, and I cannot imagine what kind of wonderful feelings would come if I get to fully understand it.<br />
I had a 7 years relationship which had a lot of ups and downs (probably more downs than ups), and helped me learn more about life, but also helped feel this need for a woman, which does not exist in my life now, and with whom I could share my life: hold hands, kiss, sleep, wake up, go out, let her know that I love her, share all my feelings and emotions, eat with. A honest woman that could make me feel that all my feelings towards her are reciprocate, and at the same time we could support each other while growing up spiritually.<br />
I believe I am asking for too much, and I try to go to the spiritual side, but there is always a time when I let this other side of me pulls me and makes me feel lonely and sometimes frustrated since at my age, I have not been able to find what I would like to have in my life, but then I think about something that is just true for me: One gets what one truly wishes for and deserves, and makes me wonder if I will ever find that special person with whom I might share my material and spiritual life.<br />
I think love such a wonderful feeling, that can make people change, that can make one archive "impossible" goals, but such feeling is only capable of such things if it is pure: honest, respectful towards God, others and oneself.<br />
May God bless you and guide you all.

hey...whatever you have written is right.... actually i feel the same problem in me. but think this way LOVE isa precious is not just holding hand and kissing .it is more than that. you have to CHANGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PARTNER.SOMETIMES . if u waana make gf just beacuse you don't have one.then i can assure you there would be lack of trust between you and your problem.a situation may come when your partner would stop you to do things you she feels jealous when you meet youe female friends.. you need to able to react in such a way that no one neither your girlfriend nor youe friend get hurt. So i would sugest you to wait for your right person. trust me god has made a beautiful girl for u. and she is waiting there. don't cheat her. be reserved for her who deserves you...:)

hey...whatever you have written is right.... actually i feel the same problem in me. but think this way LOVE isa precious is not just holding hand and kissing .it is more than that. you have to CHANGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PARTNER.SOMETIMES . if u waana make gf just beacuse you don't have one.then i can assure you there would be lack of trust between you and your problem.a situation may come when your partner would stop you to do things you she feels jealous when you meet youe female friends.. you need to able to react in such a way that no one neither your girlfriend nor youe friend get hurt. So i would sugest you to wait for your right person. trust me god has made a beautiful girl for u. and she is waiting there. don't cheat her. be reserved for her who deserves you...:)

I know where you are coming from. Am a well educated, smart, relatively successful but physically unattractive bloke myself. Alone for most of my adult life. Concentrate on other things, make the best of your life and just accept that relationships are something you just can't have. Just get on with being as happy and fulfilled as you can. Forget about girls. If you do get to know someone chances are they will do something to deliberately hurt you just because they can. You can't change the world but that does not stop you from being a successful human being. Been places and done things that most people can only dream of. Accept the situation and move on.

You are right.Its worthless achieving something when there is noone to share that achievement with. But I think that the right person will come along at the right time. I have noticed this weird pattern of life. Heck, I have experienced it. You will surely get the things which you 'really' and 'truly' want in life, in the truest sense of the word. People try to pass these kind of things as miracles, but nothing is a miracle really.<br />
Wish you luck

It;s sometimes hard to find a soul mate or someone whom with what you can share as you. we have become such a protective universal me!! the most important thing is to be who you are and not what you think people expect you to be. It is only when we are who we really are can we attract someone who fits us. If you pretend to be something else then you will project this and attract the wrong element to you. you are young don;t give yourself a hard time most good, real people don't know who they really are until later in life, enjoy your experiences but don't give up hope on finding that person who truly connects with you. life is a journey not a destination. good luck may what you believe in be by your side whether that be God, spiritualism, cult, higher being , ufos whatever we are who we are and no-one can change your inner being, learn from yourself what that is.................<br />
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then go forward with love and hope in your heart

Dear friend, you wrote, "...That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to..." I know this is going to challenge you because it's not what the culture teaches at all, but the truth of the matter is, no one can possibly complete you. That having been said, what you (and everyone else---even the ones who are in a relationship) are truly seeking is a deep connection with what you might call your Higher Self, although it's really who you are in the truest sense. There is a divine part of you that loves and adores you and is the source of all those feelings you think you will have if you only had a girl friend you could kiss and hold hands with and bring flowers to on Valentines Day, and all the rest. Yes, in the presence of a woman you can feel things, but she is only showing you what you already have inside yourself. The mistake humanity has been historically making is to think that you cannot feel that way without this other person. This is simply not the case. If you choose, you can go inside yourself and find a deep love you never knew you had--one that has compassion for the part of you that thinks you need someone else. And the truth is, if you were to develop this incredible relationship with yourself, there would be women hunting you down because they too want a piece of such love. The problem is, they too have to find it inside themselves first, because once you have it, you'll realize the so-called need that others have is an illusion. When two people have found such inner love for themselves, then they can share what they already have without any need. This is a completely different experience than what you see around you. Basically, even those in a relationship suffer because they rely on the other for that emotional support. This is why humans in general suffer, with or without a relationship. So I invite you to get quiet and breathe and begin tapping into that divine presence that is within you. Once you've cultlivated a relationship with the real You, no one can possibly take it away from you. I hope this helps...blessings my friend.

Well put and an interesting flip to the duality of this dilemma in that once you find your "true self" you attract others who want this answer and then you are in the position of "rejecting" their illusion.

i am in the same boat. its been 8 yrs sinse i have had a girlfriend. i'm a desent guy, respectful, honest. i see women,girls walking around with drunk, unkempt, poorly dressed, vulgar jeks, and say to my self why them an not me. i don't do drugs, smoke, drink. so whats the answer. it seems to me that if you have little money, no big house, no fancy car, no awsome looks, your out, down for the count. the fact that your a desent gent is only a nice bonus over and above the the other adtributes.

A long time ago, I decided that I would not get into a committed relationship unless I was sure I could truly commit and I could only truly commit if I was in love. Unfortunately both times I've been in love, a relationship wasn't really an option, they were already taken. There fore, I have learned to live with this feeling you describe. I take every ounce of that energy and put it towards bettering myself. Right now I'm trying to teach myself to cook. You can focus on getting in shape, learning another language, reading more often...there are countless options. As a result, I'm a more educated, well rounded person, with highly developed skills...and I can actually function on a daily basis. Of course sometimes the feeling leaks through but I can pull myself through it by focusing the energy on something else. Try it!

Ah, the very sole thing that has been eating away at me for about a year now. I have had a 4 year relationship which I idolized and made it something which it ultimately wasn't. I can truly say I was completely in love with her and she with me. Nonetheless, I have very often felt alone throughout those years. This goes to show that you yourself decide wether you feel alone or lonely. I recently started dating someone and I am falling into the same trap. I look for her to make me happy, her very text message keeps me smiling. My Point is that if I keep doing this I will be bound to be miserable. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated guys. I'm 24 male btw.

Bravo. A life long lesson I am still learning at 44.

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not afraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then add the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not affraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then type in the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

I relate to this post. I'm 40 and have just met a gal through some friends. We went out and it seemed all good & glory but then she turned cold toward me. Its busting me up terribly. She lives about 150 miles away and has a job from hell with very, very little spare time for herself. . I've tried texting, calling and then she said she not looking for a relationship at the moment. Talk about been kicked in the bollocks. She has recently been divorced and I'm choking on the fact that I was just a 'rebound' fling. After been single for all my life i thought this was it. I've finally found my soul mate. We just had so much in common. She's on my mind 24/7. How do i win her heart over? Any ideas anybody. I to become teary eyed cyling to work along the marina and seen all those happy couples. I'm always saying to myself that everybody got somebody. Why have I got nobody? The lonliness does do its best to 'Dig in' at times making me all depressed and people telling me not to worry because it will happen just makes me want to pull out what remaining hair I got left. I have tried to find a lover in the past but failed in part due to complications in my early life 20's to early 30's. It now makes me want to conclude that some people are meant to be alone, I guess I'm just one of those people:(

Why would you want a woman who doesn't want to be with you? Could it be that it was just not meant to be? Does it have to mean you are somehow fatally flawed? The sooner you will move on, the sooner you will attract what is right. To imagine that she is somehow infallible or her rejection of you is significant immediately sets you up to be in a position of inferiority. Only, you are NOT inferior and she IS NOT the one making this assessment. She is simply the one being projected upon.
Who is the PROJECTOR?
Step 1-change the film
Step 2- Write yourself a happy ending with the RIGHT COSTAR. Good Luck!

I see this from the other side of the glass. I am 65 years old and recently widowed,I look back and would not change a thing. It has been and will continue to be a good life. I miss the love of my life deeply. She will never be relaced but i find myself craving female company. <br />
Make the commitment to love while you are young. Yes its scary but the rewards are wonderful! The trick is to find the right one. You'll know when you do.

If you want something set it free to allow it time to land at your feet...

I think I can relate to this situation... It's not me not been into this but its my ex-boyfriend that's into this right now. We broke up for certain reason that he don't want a hard life and unfortunately I grew up poor and with no degree and he finds it scary to realize what future he will have with me. So instead he gave up on the relationship and focused on his career and dated many he find perfect and that suits well for himself... Ended up coming back to me and confessing he never have found such connection we used to have and that said, he can't open himself good to others even if they are obviously attracted to him. I feel sad about it because on some level I've moved on inspite of how hard it had been to me. Accepting what I can't change is what strengthen me to move forward with my life and moving forward with no regret. But I saw him really in agony now, wondering and wishing things would go back from how it used to be. I wish for his happiness but I can't imagine seeing myself being abused emotionally, he can become somewhat he used to be and I don't want that.<br />
I hope its different from you, maybe one day you'll find the right girl that fits you. I think patience is all we need in this lifetime to survive... it's very easy to write the word nor say it but I'm very aware how hard it will be to keep that patience with you. <br />
I just wish you good luck and may you find what you're looking for one day.

You need to have unrealistic amounts of self confidence or else they're just not interested

This is also very true

Most pointless and cliché comment of all time, but I know how you feel. You should feel lucky, though. things could be far worse. You know, like having no friends at all, no goal in life; about 8-10 mental disorders, and a head full of fantasies that will never become reality.

Know what u mean qhere u coming from all though its not that long since i split with my ex but i still get some of those feelings u mention especially when u see others enjoying each others love & companionship

Wow, thanks for all the new comments everyone!<br />
<br />
It's good to know that so many people can relate to how I'm feeling. Well, not good, but you know what I mean; it makes one feel better when there are other sympathetic souls in the same boat.

IMO, you're a little too young to be concerned about your (post). Life, particularly for males, is bi-furcated. On one side of the coin, you enjoy and appreciate your indedpendence. YOU stated that.<br />
The "flip-side" of the coin? It's difficult to be alone. "No man is an Island". We all need someone in our lives. It's nice to have friends and family to help replace "being alone" ---- buth (they) do not replace a romantic relationship. Someone with whom you want to share your life with. Someone you want to be with. Someone, whom you miss, every minute of the day (he or she) is gone.<br />
As far as "falling in love with every woman you see"? This speaks of desperation. And,, IMO, that's what you're going through. It is NOT news to anyone of us on this forum. We've (at least most of us) have experienced, or do experience your plight.<br />
Again, you're a liitle too young to be worried about it. Believe it or not --- the right "mate" will come along to you, in your life. You will know it when it happens. And it will be wonderful. Except --- never forget the 1st side of the "coin" --- you NOW lose the "independence" and "freedom" that you (once) enjoyed. You are now required to "belong" to someone, with your undying trust and love.<br />
It's a difficult choice to make. Independence and freedom --- or, NOW, being "tied" down. Although, being "tied down" --- no longer makes you lonely. BUT --- you now surrender your "independence and freedom". Not an easy choice --- but we all to make one. Your call.<br />
Finally --- and I'll repeat it --- you're a little "too young" to be so worried about something that is, eventually, going to "work its way out" --- a relationship.<br />
Best wishes and regards to you: JIM

I agree, it is part desperation. It has the upside that I can ignore frivolous things and see the potential to be happy with anyone, but the downside that I may end up with someone that I don't fully click with, and just be passing time. It's a tricky game.

Well, you just spoke of the human equation, as we know it. It's nice to enjoy your "freedom" --- however it comes at a price, as in beling lonely. If, indeed you Do "end up with someone that you don't "fully click with" --- then, you may well find that it is better (in your young life) to be alone. As a counterpoint --- I would prefer to be alone, fantasize and dream --- as opposed to be with "someone whom I don't click with". THAT would not suit your agenda(s) and goals in place. Take it from someone who has been there. JIM, funny how you could write all that's about me. It's been over 2 years and It's sometimes depressing to think about specially when you see your ex-girlfriend in another 2 separate relationships with other guys in two years while me still being single all that time. It makes me feel that she might be thinking i'm still not over her when in fact i am ready now to mingle. In my case, i don't really go out and have casual sex with random chicks. That's just not me. Right now, there's this girl that i like and she likes me too i can tell, but the real problem is we can't be together as we both work in different countries although we both come from the same home country. Long distance relationship is not my business so it's another sad story for me.

My heart breaks for everyone who wants to feel connected to someone and isn't. In my own situation I'm in a long-term relationship and don't have that connected feeling that I so want. My best advice for you is to live the best life you can live and put yourself out there so the right person can find you. Be active with the things that you are interested in whether it be social activities, working out, church, will find you when the time is right.

That was really sweet. It sounds like you'd be a terrific boyfriend. I'm single too and that's the way I need it for the next 12 to 24 months or so. I'm in a nursing program that allows no time for anything else but work, and as for work, I own an Internet company. Everything you so true. I love Tennyson, Shakespeare, Longfellow, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..." I believe in God and know He'll get me through these years, so far doing just fine on my own, but one day... one can only hope. :)

i can feel your pain, been married for about 30 years, now were total strangers, she just wants me to either die or move out and give her my super savings, havnt had sex at home for about 5 years, i crave a warm cuddle and a kiss, thank god my dogs cuddle up, only warmth i get, as im getting older quickly thats it for me, i just refuse to pack it in, ill outlive her just to spite her!

Hi stephenj

I read your comment and I am saddened. It would be a real shame if you both reach the end of your lives like this. Think back to when you got married. You made a commitment to each other. I don't think the blame lies with either one of you, it lies with both. I don't know who else is involved, for example children, but you owe it to yourselves to at least attempt to make your situation better. You have both forgotten the reasons why you love each other. Life is all about attention. When I say attention I mean what you choose to put your attention on, what you are thinking about. Foget multitasking, the human mind can only focus on one thing at a time, albeit being able to switch between things very quickly. But in order to make anything flourish you need to focus your attention on it wholeheartedly. Somehow you both need to start a process where you point your attention on each other, and start to rediscover the intimacy you once had. I bet my bottom dollar that she also craves intimacy. She is only human. So why are you not the target for her love?

Here's a touching story which I read recently. I know it doesn't necessarily apply to your situation but I find it touching nonetheless:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.”

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.

“I want a divorce.” I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!”

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew, a woman at my work that I had developed feelings for. I didn’t love my wife anymore. I only pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce that had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that for that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door each morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she tries, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, saying, “Baba is holding Mama in his arms!” His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.”

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the every day workout made me stronger.

"Our son came in at the moment and said, 'Dad, its time to carry mum out.'"
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at that moment and said, “Dad, its time to carry mum out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”

I drove to the office and jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” She said.

I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew,” I said, “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.”

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: “I’ll carry you out every morning until deaths do us apart.”

I read in Sociology that this sort of thing happens to young men, especially if you are living in a town. it can be devastating to young men. It even drives some to suicide, but if you can make it through those awkward younger years, life gets better. I have been single now for a few months, and I am at the age when I like to reminisce about love passed bye. I remember with fond memories that are always fading away in time. I have learned that even now that I am getting older and love shouldn't happen for a ugly guy like me, that there always seems to be some girl out there for me eventually, if I only can be patient. it rarely works out for me, but I always give it my best shot and have lots of fun along the way. Good luck.

It can be devastating for young men and the scariest thing is that once you get devastated like that not all men can recover from it. I believe this is why I have never had a girlfriend. I have had lots of friends who are girls, I get on well with anyone, but the asking out thing ended in my teenage years and I haven't been able to since.

I am 59 and have never had a girlfriend. I have always had trouble around girls/women. It is the Confidence thing for me. Whenever I try to talk to a woman I become a clam. I know I should be asking them about themselves and what they like but,I clam up and get nervous. I wish you well. I want to meet a woman that will accept me for who I am and will be my best friend. Someone that will be there for me on the Good days and the Bad. And I can be there for her.

I am 62 and have just passed the28 year mark without a girlfriend. While I agree with many of the sentiments here, hostility to couples is a cancer on your psyche that will cause you trouble in future. That is nothing but envy and will get one nowhere. Keep that up and one day you will hate all people, women especially. Then it will be even harder to connect with someone you are hostile to in the first place. I know, I've been there.....for nearly three decades.

Omg I feel the same exact way. I love the single life but Im missing that connection. no matter what I do or accomplish it feels like it doesnt mean nothing

My friend, I truly understand what you are feeling. I haven't been in a relationship for nearly nine years. I too miss the cuddles, the kisses, etc . I can truly and honestly say, many people out in our world are missing love. However it is the real love, the real unconditional love most are missing from their lives. <br />
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Many seek love as in "I love you babe, because you're good in bed or a good cook". The real love is you love them no matter what and for who they are. Getting back to the sense of emptiness is definitely something I can relate to and it all boils down to you need love inside you, not really from someone else in a sense.<br />
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Actually I find that from a relationship it's more joyful for me to give out that I know I can give in compassion, honesty and sincerity from my heart, as sometimes your partner doesn't have the energy to give back as you do.<br />
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Please remember, you have the power to change your life the way you want it. Just learn to trust yourself (self love) and take each moment as a scenario to play with. You can find love. Go with your strongest excitement and you will succeed :)<br />
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All the best of luck

Hey guys, all that is so close to my feelings. Sometimes loneliness really gets me. But then I calm down. Each time it becomes bitter, I know that I will feel better tomorrow. Let yourselves feel your pain, but still know that there will be a relief soon. The main thing is not to become too concentrated on this, it won't help you in finding your love. Apart from that, use any known opportunity to find someone for you - go out or search some dating sites, as you wish. When you keep yourselves occupied, you will know that at least you tried, it could make you feel a bit better. Good luck to all of us!

wow, its as if you just read my mind and posted it on here. this is exactly how i feel and i could never have put it better words. But don't worry my friend, there will be someone out there for you, shes just waiting for you to find her

Kinda know how you feel. Been stuck in the same kind of situation. love my life, but just alone. And everyone always tells me not to worry someday some guy will come along and sweep me of my feet, but I just don't buy into that fairytale bs. It just seems like sharing my life with someone is not meant for me. Guess some of us just have to make peace with it.

It's ok I'm spending my life alone.

I totally understand your feelings. I have been alone for 2 years now. It is hard to be alone. But I try and take up my free time exercising and weight training. It helps to take up the energy and also it puts you in a better light to them. At least in my experience. They always told me when your not looking, they will find you when you least expect it. Good Luck. It will happen.

If you are around woman you just need to look at them and occasionally complement them. You will be able to tell who is interested. Ask for a casual thing to do or "date" if you will at first.<br />
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If not you need a more direct approach and ask woman you see on a first casual date after first giving them a complement and striking up a conversation. If this does not work you may need an internet or newspaper add. But don't get down, it may take time and the salesman who makes the most sales calls usually gets the most sales.<br />
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Either way good luck. Corsair II

I can relate to the 'see every girl who talks to me as a potential opportunity' part, and the part about being bitter, and the part about wanting independence on some days. I'm not really qualified to give psychological advice, but it seems to make me more 'socially adept' if I can find something to make it seem like members of the opposite sex are not infallible. Of course, I would never cause a female (or male, but that's irrelevant) to fail at something, but if they do indeed experience some failure on their part, for some reason it makes me more secure. That doesn't sound healthy, does it?

It's been 5yrs since I had a girlfriend.. And it makes me sad to think I may never get one, cause I'm not good enough or something.

I won't do it if I can help it-I'm not that kind of person-but I can't say never; sometimes, things are just out of our control.

See, that's the thing. There was one situation last year, where I knew, I absolutely knew that she liked me, it just was never said. And I still couldn't risk it. In hindsight, I could say I could now, but I just couldn't then. I was stupid.<br />
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Ha, well that's how it happened 3 years ago, if only I could be so luck again!

Hmm... interesting, I've never thought about it like that. But confidence is another thing, I may be happy, but supremely shy and awkward with girls!

YES, exactly! I mean, I ultimately can live alone, but I don't think I'll be as happy without love. And I feel you, it seems sometimes like it'll never happen, like it's always out of reach... but I'll always the have hope that it can happen!

I can relate. In a little more than a month, it will be two years since I last had a girlfriend. I feel that I CAN live without a girlfriend or lover, but I ultimately won't be as happy. If only I found that one special person out there, I'd feel like rejoicing and being on top of the world. Whether I'll ever find that right person seems kind of out of my reach for me, though.

I am 44 and I am ashamed to confess that I have never had a girlfriend or had meaningful dating experience. I know my situation is beyond pathetic but I have very low self esteem and I don't feel I would be a suitable companion for a discriminating woman. I talk quite easily with most people, including women, and I have no sexual perversions (in fact I'm rather prudish)
so I don't think I couldn't get a date but at this point in my life I have been so long out of the dating loop that I think it is senseless to really try to get a date and risk embarrassment when I fail to meet her expectations.

You sound like a super nice guy! You could get a girl if you wanted. Js. I know it sounds stupid but kinda be a ****. Girls live that ****.

Yeah, I can see that, just from my situation, I don't really want to listen because I just can't envision it for me right now. I guess that's normal. But it sucks! :( Impatience!<br />
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I'm suppose I could find something sweet if I really looked hard :P

I mean, yeah, I'm young. But I've only had one girlfriend. That was 3 years ago. I suck at dating, and in general, interacting with girls that are not already my friends and that I'm comfortable with. All this, well it makes me feel desperate, like if I don't find it soon, it'll never happen. I know that's stupid.<br />
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I am enjoying life... I just want that something extra, then everything would be pretty perfect.<br />
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Haha, the poetry I tend to like usually tends to be confusing or morbid, not good for reciting. I mean there's beauty in the morbidity, but they don't make for good pickups :P