Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Some Days More Than Others...

     Being single is great. You have no one to answer to but you, you're completely independent, and you can do what you want, when you want, and not really have to worry about someone else's feelings or what someone else thinks. Now that I write that, that sounds incredibly selfish. But the independence is the key thing, selfishness notwithstanding.

      It's just, some days, I get lonely. I feel empty. I see other couples walking around, holding hands, kissing, constant smiles on their faces. It sickens me. Not in a bad way, it's just because I'm bitter. Because it's coming up on 3 years since I've had a girlfriend in the true sense of the word. I've come close, gone on dates, but things just never seemed to work out. Three long, lonely years.

    It's not like I'm not happy with my life though. I have great, great friends, both guys and girls. I'm studying things I'm really interested in, and I'm out on my own for the first time in my life. I've really never been happier with my life than these years in college. And yet, I miss that connection.

    That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to.

I want to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything. Someone to go out with on weekends, to do things I wouldn't normally do with my friends. Someone to challenge me and support me. I want to have someone to look good for. To be my very best for. Someone to just hold when I've had a crappy day, someone to go to share everything when I've had a great day. I miss the holding hands, the kissing, the things that so sicken me when I'm on the outside looking in at what I can't have. I want to stop pretending that it doesn't bother me that I have no one on Valentine's Day, even if it is a fake holiday pushed by card companies. I want that connection. With anyone, with every girl I see walking by, with every girl that talks to me, it's at the forefront of my mind more and more these days.

From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great movie, by the way): "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't mean this completely literally, I don't fall in love with everyone, I just see every girl as an opportunity I'm not taking, especially when they show that kind of attention to me, which really doesn't happen that often.

In just about 2 months, I'll have been alone for 3 years, and have never been in love. Tennyson definitely got it right:

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all." 

KeasbeyNights KeasbeyNights 22-25, M 71 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

If you want something set it free to allow it time to land at your feet...

I see this from the other side of the glass. I am 65 years old and recently widowed,I look back and would not change a thing. It has been and will continue to be a good life. I miss the love of my life deeply. She will never be relaced but i find myself craving female company. <br />
Make the commitment to love while you are young. Yes its scary but the rewards are wonderful! The trick is to find the right one. You'll know when you do.

I relate to this post. I'm 40 and have just met a gal through some friends. We went out and it seemed all good & glory but then she turned cold toward me. Its busting me up terribly. She lives about 150 miles away and has a job from hell with very, very little spare time for herself. . I've tried texting, calling and then she said she not looking for a relationship at the moment. Talk about been kicked in the bollocks. She has recently been divorced and I'm choking on the fact that I was just a 'rebound' fling. After been single for all my life i thought this was it. I've finally found my soul mate. We just had so much in common. She's on my mind 24/7. How do i win her heart over? Any ideas anybody. I to become teary eyed cyling to work along the marina and seen all those happy couples. I'm always saying to myself that everybody got somebody. Why have I got nobody? The lonliness does do its best to 'Dig in' at times making me all depressed and people telling me not to worry because it will happen just makes me want to pull out what remaining hair I got left. I have tried to find a lover in the past but failed in part due to complications in my early life 20's to early 30's. It now makes me want to conclude that some people are meant to be alone, I guess I'm just one of those people:(

Why would you want a woman who doesn't want to be with you? Could it be that it was just not meant to be? Does it have to mean you are somehow fatally flawed? The sooner you will move on, the sooner you will attract what is right. To imagine that she is somehow infallible or her rejection of you is significant immediately sets you up to be in a position of inferiority. Only, you are NOT inferior and she IS NOT the one making this assessment. She is simply the one being projected upon.
Who is the PROJECTOR?
Step 1-change the film
Step 2- Write yourself a happy ending with the RIGHT COSTAR. Good Luck!

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not affraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then type in the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not afraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then add the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

Ah, the very sole thing that has been eating away at me for about a year now. I have had a 4 year relationship which I idolized and made it something which it ultimately wasn't. I can truly say I was completely in love with her and she with me. Nonetheless, I have very often felt alone throughout those years. This goes to show that you yourself decide wether you feel alone or lonely. I recently started dating someone and I am falling into the same trap. I look for her to make me happy, her very text message keeps me smiling. My Point is that if I keep doing this I will be bound to be miserable. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated guys. I'm 24 male btw.

Bravo. A life long lesson I am still learning at 44.

A long time ago, I decided that I would not get into a committed relationship unless I was sure I could truly commit and I could only truly commit if I was in love. Unfortunately both times I've been in love, a relationship wasn't really an option, they were already taken. There fore, I have learned to live with this feeling you describe. I take every ounce of that energy and put it towards bettering myself. Right now I'm trying to teach myself to cook. You can focus on getting in shape, learning another language, reading more often...there are countless options. As a result, I'm a more educated, well rounded person, with highly developed skills...and I can actually function on a daily basis. Of course sometimes the feeling leaks through but I can pull myself through it by focusing the energy on something else. Try it!

i am in the same boat. its been 8 yrs sinse i have had a girlfriend. i'm a desent guy, respectful, honest. i see women,girls walking around with drunk, unkempt, poorly dressed, vulgar jeks, and say to my self why them an not me. i don't do drugs, smoke, drink. so whats the answer. it seems to me that if you have little money, no big house, no fancy car, no awsome looks, your out, down for the count. the fact that your a desent gent is only a nice bonus over and above the the other adtributes.

Dear friend, you wrote, "...That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to..." I know this is going to challenge you because it's not what the culture teaches at all, but the truth of the matter is, no one can possibly complete you. That having been said, what you (and everyone else---even the ones who are in a relationship) are truly seeking is a deep connection with what you might call your Higher Self, although it's really who you are in the truest sense. There is a divine part of you that loves and adores you and is the source of all those feelings you think you will have if you only had a girl friend you could kiss and hold hands with and bring flowers to on Valentines Day, and all the rest. Yes, in the presence of a woman you can feel things, but she is only showing you what you already have inside yourself. The mistake humanity has been historically making is to think that you cannot feel that way without this other person. This is simply not the case. If you choose, you can go inside yourself and find a deep love you never knew you had--one that has compassion for the part of you that thinks you need someone else. And the truth is, if you were to develop this incredible relationship with yourself, there would be women hunting you down because they too want a piece of such love. The problem is, they too have to find it inside themselves first, because once you have it, you'll realize the so-called need that others have is an illusion. When two people have found such inner love for themselves, then they can share what they already have without any need. This is a completely different experience than what you see around you. Basically, even those in a relationship suffer because they rely on the other for that emotional support. This is why humans in general suffer, with or without a relationship. So I invite you to get quiet and breathe and begin tapping into that divine presence that is within you. Once you've cultlivated a relationship with the real You, no one can possibly take it away from you. I hope this helps...blessings my friend.

Well put and an interesting flip to the duality of this dilemma in that once you find your "true self" you attract others who want this answer and then you are in the position of "rejecting" their illusion.

It;s sometimes hard to find a soul mate or someone whom with what you can share as you. we have become such a protective universal me!! the most important thing is to be who you are and not what you think people expect you to be. It is only when we are who we really are can we attract someone who fits us. If you pretend to be something else then you will project this and attract the wrong element to you. you are young don;t give yourself a hard time most good, real people don't know who they really are until later in life, enjoy your experiences but don't give up hope on finding that person who truly connects with you. life is a journey not a destination. good luck may what you believe in be by your side whether that be God, spiritualism, cult, higher being , ufos whatever we are who we are and no-one can change your inner being, learn from yourself what that is.................<br />
<br />
then go forward with love and hope in your heart

You are right.Its worthless achieving something when there is noone to share that achievement with. But I think that the right person will come along at the right time. I have noticed this weird pattern of life. Heck, I have experienced it. You will surely get the things which you 'really' and 'truly' want in life, in the truest sense of the word. People try to pass these kind of things as miracles, but nothing is a miracle really.<br />
Wish you luck

I know where you are coming from. Am a well educated, smart, relatively successful but physically unattractive bloke myself. Alone for most of my adult life. Concentrate on other things, make the best of your life and just accept that relationships are something you just can't have. Just get on with being as happy and fulfilled as you can. Forget about girls. If you do get to know someone chances are they will do something to deliberately hurt you just because they can. You can't change the world but that does not stop you from being a successful human being. Been places and done things that most people can only dream of. Accept the situation and move on.

hey...whatever you have written is right.... actually i feel the same problem in me. but think this way LOVE isa precious thing.it is not just holding hand and kissing .it is more than that. you have to CHANGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PARTNER.SOMETIMES . if u waana make gf just beacuse you don't have one.then i can assure you there would be lack of trust between you and your problem.a situation may come when your partner would stop you to do things you loved..like she feels jealous when you meet youe female friends.. you need to able to react in such a way that no one neither your girlfriend nor youe friend get hurt. So i would sugest you to wait for your right person. trust me god has made a beautiful girl for u. and she is waiting there. don't cheat her. be reserved for her who deserves you...:)

hey...whatever you have written is right.... actually i feel the same problem in me. but think this way LOVE isa precious thing.it is not just holding hand and kissing .it is more than that. you have to CHANGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PARTNER.SOMETIMES . if u waana make gf just beacuse you don't have one.then i can assure you there would be lack of trust between you and your problem.a situation may come when your partner would stop you to do things you loved..like she feels jealous when you meet youe female friends.. you need to able to react in such a way that no one neither your girlfriend nor youe friend get hurt. So i would sugest you to wait for your right person. trust me god has made a beautiful girl for u. and she is waiting there. don't cheat her. be reserved for her who deserves you...:)

I agree with you JustBeWhoYouAre, but sometimes it is difficult for someone who does not fully comprehend the concept of "true-self", to find it.<br />
I have tried to find my true-self and I believe I have grasped a little bit of it for just a few times in my life, and it has felt great, and I cannot imagine what kind of wonderful feelings would come if I get to fully understand it.<br />
I had a 7 years relationship which had a lot of ups and downs (probably more downs than ups), and helped me learn more about life, but also helped feel this need for a woman, which does not exist in my life now, and with whom I could share my life: hold hands, kiss, sleep, wake up, go out, let her know that I love her, share all my feelings and emotions, eat with. A honest woman that could make me feel that all my feelings towards her are reciprocate, and at the same time we could support each other while growing up spiritually.<br />
I believe I am asking for too much, and I try to go to the spiritual side, but there is always a time when I let this other side of me pulls me and makes me feel lonely and sometimes frustrated since at my age, I have not been able to find what I would like to have in my life, but then I think about something that is just true for me: One gets what one truly wishes for and deserves, and makes me wonder if I will ever find that special person with whom I might share my material and spiritual life.<br />
I think love such a wonderful feeling, that can make people change, that can make one archive "impossible" goals, but such feeling is only capable of such things if it is pure: honest, respectful towards God, others and oneself.<br />
May God bless you and guide you all.

I can feel you pain. I'm 45 years old and I have NEVER had a significant other. It's not like I've not tried; but every time I've asked someone to go out they come up with some excuse. Then I see them with a guy the very next day. It has been years since I've tried to go out on a date. To tell you the truth, I've quit trying. It's obvious females don't want a guy like me. I don't look like other guys (i.e. not very good looking) plus I've had some problems in the past with my personal life that probably has scared them off. I would love to have someone to go out with from time to time but it's just not meant to me. I might as well accept it. At least you're younger and have got some time; my time for finding someone has just about run out. I hope you do have a family that loves you because, outside of my family, no one cares about me. I guess when all my relatives die I might as well kill myself because it will be better to be in a better place with people I know than here on earth all alone. Take care of yourself and do good in college.

Dear, <br />
<br />
you are describing me when you write this, I even had some tiny tears gathered in my eyes .. <br />
love is a great gift, at some point i said "love forgot about me" even though I deserve to love and to be kissed over and over again .. there is nothing wrong with me :) <br />
<br />
I love love, and I love to see those who are in love.. and deep inside of me .. even though am happy where I am .. I want to be inlove <br />
<br />
I hate it when I get romantic, when I write poetry.. and can't give that to someone.. I want a man that I write my poetry to .. <br />
when I day dream .. I want a real face .. not any actor I saw in some movie .. :) <br />
<br />
i love myself, i love my friends and I love people all around me .. call it passion for life, and that helps me to think of other things than a love between a woman and a man .. <br />
<br />
I just look at myself in the mirror and say " how could any man not see you as a woman?" <br />
<br />
of course, there comes the part when u finally gave your heart to someone and were too afraid to tell him, he loved your best friend! WOW... what a beautiful experience ! haha .. I like to joke about my life .. yeah he was a fool, for loving her eyes instead of mine.. but u know what ?! love will be found, when we least expect it ..<br />
<br />
just go, and never expect it :) .. <br />
<br />
<br />
peace *hugs*<br />
<br />
<br />
u need a new friend ? text me ;) ! I know i do

i hope im not repeating anything anyone else said, dont have the patience to go through previous comments. Yes you may be able to share things with that one person, and she or he can share things with you. But that one person is never going to be able to offer you everything. even if you think he or she does, he or she cant, its simply impossible. i find it better to be single for the rest of your life, yes, sounds depressing, however, you learn more about the world itself than seeing the world inside one human being. The world is an amazing place, so travel it, learn about its wonders, secrets, phenomenons, etc. A woman nor another man can offer something so amazing, they can only offer themeselves and what they have to offer. If you explore more, you meet new people who have more to offer, each thing to offer being new each time. You just wouldnt have that kind of freedom in a relationship. no one needs love to survive in life, screw that and the people that think it.

There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to being single. But from your comments you seem to be concentrating on the disadvantages. What about the serenity and calm that comes from doing what you wish... when you wish? You can have your castle neat and clean or have live with your own clutter. If you don't feel like doing the dishes you don't have to. You can watch what you want on TV. Of course you reap the consequences of every action... or lack of action. ;)<br />
<br />
As several have pointed out and I will certainly echo... a bad relationship is even worse. What seems on the outside as all warm and fuzzy could be a tension of words and issues at other times. You have a lot of freedom right now. Revel in it.<br />
<br />
Ask a married person how much freedom they have? How much sleep they get? What problems they had do deal with in their own home last week... disposal income because of their responsibilities? Add one... two... or more kids to the mix... and your life right now will seem like nirvana... or heaven in comparison. They will be envious of your freedom and your situation.<br />
<br />
So yes... that intimacy can be very tempting... very desirable. And some don't cope well with being alone for long periods. But... there are other ways to mix with friends... or make new friends and share a part of your life. But solitude has its rewards if you seek them out and enjoy them to the fullest.

i am 21...never had a girlfriend....wish i had someone to hold when i had a bad day....:-(

I have been divorced for the past 28 years, with many failed relationships following that divorce. I pretty much resigned myself to the possibility that I would spend the rest of my life alone. (Alone, but not lonely; there is a difference.) As it turns out, however, the universe had a different plan for me. Through Facebook, I reconnected with a high school acquaintance. He told me that I was his "secret love" in high school, but he was too shy to tell me. He said he would watch me every day as I walked from class to class, wishing he could find the courage to ask me out. Fast-forward: forty-one years later, we are dating exclusively and are very much in love; there may even be wedding bells in our future.<br />
<br />
It is never too late to find love; the important thing is to be open to it.

pfft i just broke up with mine a few hours ago. its nice to be single. no more complaining or any of that crap.

if you ever need a girls advice dear im here add me and i'll give you advice

This is exactly me, except I'm a girl, so I guess it happens to both genders. It's that "forever alone" concept and you just can't seem to break out of it. Maybe that special person hasn't come along yet, there's no rush. Just enjoy life and one day she'll just pop in when your least expecting it, bright and shining, and everything will just fall into place. Have a little faith, it'll go a long way.

I understand where you're coming from 100%. I've been going through this as well. Walking down the street and seeing couples I get depressed because I'm constantly asking myself when am I going to find that. But it will happen eventually I guess don't worry. They say good things happen to those who wait. My advice is don't go out looking for love and stressing yourself out about it. When you do that, you just end up wasting your time and never actually finding what you're looking for. Occupy yourself with other things. Take finding a girlfriend completely out of your mind. I promise she'll walk into your life when you least expect it :)

I think being single is an advantage if you want to do things on your own with out discussion and think in your mind your would have no one to answer two ? But if u love some one and they love you there should be no one holding any one back and If a relation ship is strong you both should be able to help each other with what they want to achieve , it shouldn't be about saying you can't do this and you can't do that I think the key is if you want to do some thing do it but if the other person wants to do something dnt stop them it has to work both ways split down the middle an if you come to a gridlock on something talk about it an compromise that's my theory lol never found any one to think like me yet but I live in hope ha ha x

Everything that follows an "I want" line, confirms something that you do not [ think to have ] have or something that you [ think to ] need, that is to me, the not-so-good-news<br />
<br />
There is nothing that you need to have apart from yourself to be happy<br />
<br />
No I myself do not have a relationship currently, unless my partner has become very small and stays aside me without my knowledge ;)<br />
<br />
Yes I have had 4 relationships, 3 with a girl and one with a boy, well let's say it was kinda complicated;)<br />
<br />
Obviously there is something missin' [ in your opinion ] otherwise you would not have written such detailed story, which, to me, was expressed well, and easy and interesting to read.<br />
<br />
Well to cut a long story short, I am not a relationship therapist, otherwise I would have had a relationship myself still, or maybe not;)<br />
<br />
That is it, my two cents of added value, in euros of course haha ;)

it s sad that there are so many females as males in same boat weather shy or don t get chance to meet or million other reasons. like to see em all get together. i know os couple people that had there heart broke so bad that they will never trust again even afraid to let go and fall in love. always have guard up?? dating sites can be good but lot of them are filled with scam artists . so you do have to be carefull.

What really spoke to me is the falling in love with every girl thing XD I'm the same way, even if I don't really like the person. Although I'm different from you in that I don't need someone to talk to, but instead miss being the emotional anchor. I need people, to need me, if that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I totally feel your pain, as I'm in just about the same situation myself.