Some Days More Than Others...
Being single is great. You have no one to answer to but you, you're completely independent, and you can do what you want, when you want, and not really have to worry about someone else's feelings or what someone else thinks. Now that I write that, that sounds incredibly selfish. But the independence is the key thing, selfishness notwithstanding.
It's just, some days, I get lonely. I feel empty. I see other couples walking around, holding hands, kissing, constant smiles on their faces. It sickens me. Not in a bad way, it's just because I'm bitter. Because it's coming up on 3 years since I've had a girlfriend in the true sense of the word. I've come close, gone on dates, but things just never seemed to work out. Three long, lonely years.
It's not like I'm not happy with my life though. I have great, great friends, both guys and girls. I'm studying things I'm really interested in, and I'm out on my own for the first time in my life. I've really never been happier with my life than these years in college. And yet, I miss that connection.
That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to.
I want to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything. Someone to go out with on weekends, to do things I wouldn't normally do with my friends. Someone to challenge me and support me. I want to have someone to look good for. To be my very best for. Someone to just hold when I've had a crappy day, someone to go to share everything when I've had a great day. I miss the holding hands, the kissing, the things that so sicken me when I'm on the outside looking in at what I can't have. I want to stop pretending that it doesn't bother me that I have no one on Valentine's Day, even if it is a fake holiday pushed by card companies. I want that connection. With anyone, with every girl I see walking by, with every girl that talks to me, it's at the forefront of my mind more and more these days.
From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great movie, by the way): "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't mean this completely literally, I don't fall in love with everyone, I just see every girl as an opportunity I'm not taking, especially when they show that kind of attention to me, which really doesn't happen that often.
In just about 2 months, I'll have been alone for 3 years, and have never been in love. Tennyson definitely got it right:
"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."