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Some Days More Than Others...

     Being single is great. You have no one to answer to but you, you're completely independent, and you can do what you want, when you want, and not really have to worry about someone else's feelings or what someone else thinks. Now that I write that, that sounds incredibly selfish. But the independence is the key thing, selfishness notwithstanding.

      It's just, some days, I get lonely. I feel empty. I see other couples walking around, holding hands, kissing, constant smiles on their faces. It sickens me. Not in a bad way, it's just because I'm bitter. Because it's coming up on 3 years since I've had a girlfriend in the true sense of the word. I've come close, gone on dates, but things just never seemed to work out. Three long, lonely years.

    It's not like I'm not happy with my life though. I have great, great friends, both guys and girls. I'm studying things I'm really interested in, and I'm out on my own for the first time in my life. I've really never been happier with my life than these years in college. And yet, I miss that connection.

    That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to.

I want to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything. Someone to go out with on weekends, to do things I wouldn't normally do with my friends. Someone to challenge me and support me. I want to have someone to look good for. To be my very best for. Someone to just hold when I've had a crappy day, someone to go to share everything when I've had a great day. I miss the holding hands, the kissing, the things that so sicken me when I'm on the outside looking in at what I can't have. I want to stop pretending that it doesn't bother me that I have no one on Valentine's Day, even if it is a fake holiday pushed by card companies. I want that connection. With anyone, with every girl I see walking by, with every girl that talks to me, it's at the forefront of my mind more and more these days.

From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great movie, by the way): "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't mean this completely literally, I don't fall in love with everyone, I just see every girl as an opportunity I'm not taking, especially when they show that kind of attention to me, which really doesn't happen that often.

In just about 2 months, I'll have been alone for 3 years, and have never been in love. Tennyson definitely got it right:

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all." 

KeasbeyNights KeasbeyNights 22-25, M 70 Responses Feb 16, 2010

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It;s sometimes hard to find a soul mate or someone whom with what you can share as you. we have become such a protective universal me!! the most important thing is to be who you are and not what you think people expect you to be. It is only when we are who we really are can we attract someone who fits us. If you pretend to be something else then you will project this and attract the wrong element to you. you are young don;t give yourself a hard time most good, real people don't know who they really are until later in life, enjoy your experiences but don't give up hope on finding that person who truly connects with you. life is a journey not a destination. good luck may what you believe in be by your side whether that be God, spiritualism, cult, higher being , ufos whatever we are who we are and no-one can change your inner being, learn from yourself what that is.................



then go forward with love and hope in your heart

Dear friend, you wrote, "...That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to..." I know this is going to challenge you because it's not what the culture teaches at all, but the truth of the matter is, no one can possibly complete you. That having been said, what you (and everyone else---even the ones who are in a relationship) are truly seeking is a deep connection with what you might call your Higher Self, although it's really who you are in the truest sense. There is a divine part of you that loves and adores you and is the source of all those feelings you think you will have if you only had a girl friend you could kiss and hold hands with and bring flowers to on Valentines Day, and all the rest. Yes, in the presence of a woman you can feel things, but she is only showing you what you already have inside yourself. The mistake humanity has been historically making is to think that you cannot feel that way without this other person. This is simply not the case. If you choose, you can go inside yourself and find a deep love you never knew you had--one that has compassion for the part of you that thinks you need someone else. And the truth is, if you were to develop this incredible relationship with yourself, there would be women hunting you down because they too want a piece of such love. The problem is, they too have to find it inside themselves first, because once you have it, you'll realize the so-called need that others have is an illusion. When two people have found such inner love for themselves, then they can share what they already have without any need. This is a completely different experience than what you see around you. Basically, even those in a relationship suffer because they rely on the other for that emotional support. This is why humans in general suffer, with or without a relationship. So I invite you to get quiet and breathe and begin tapping into that divine presence that is within you. Once you've cultlivated a relationship with the real You, no one can possibly take it away from you. I hope this helps...blessings my friend.

Well put and an interesting flip to the duality of this dilemma in that once you find your "true self" you attract others who want this answer and then you are in the position of "rejecting" their illusion.

i am in the same boat. its been 8 yrs sinse i have had a girlfriend. i'm a desent guy, respectful, honest. i see women,girls walking around with drunk, unkempt, poorly dressed, vulgar jeks, and say to my self why them an not me. i don't do drugs, smoke, drink. so whats the answer. it seems to me that if you have little money, no big house, no fancy car, no awsome looks, your out, down for the count. the fact that your a desent gent is only a nice bonus over and above the the other adtributes.

A long time ago, I decided that I would not get into a committed relationship unless I was sure I could truly commit and I could only truly commit if I was in love. Unfortunately both times I've been in love, a relationship wasn't really an option, they were already taken. There fore, I have learned to live with this feeling you describe. I take every ounce of that energy and put it towards bettering myself. Right now I'm trying to teach myself to cook. You can focus on getting in shape, learning another language, reading more often...there are countless options. As a result, I'm a more educated, well rounded person, with highly developed skills...and I can actually function on a daily basis. Of course sometimes the feeling leaks through but I can pull myself through it by focusing the energy on something else. Try it!

Ah, the very sole thing that has been eating away at me for about a year now. I have had a 4 year relationship which I idolized and made it something which it ultimately wasn't. I can truly say I was completely in love with her and she with me. Nonetheless, I have very often felt alone throughout those years. This goes to show that you yourself decide wether you feel alone or lonely. I recently started dating someone and I am falling into the same trap. I look for her to make me happy, her very text message keeps me smiling. My Point is that if I keep doing this I will be bound to be miserable. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated guys. I'm 24 male btw.

Bravo. A life long lesson I am still learning at 44.

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not afraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then add the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

You are so smart in the way you think about your situation. I will share with you an opportunity to meet girls I stumbled upon. In every city no matter where you live. They have what they call Meetup groups. You join for free online. Then when you see a Meetup you like. You go join people (girls) ha.. Having the same interests as you. The woman at the meetup are not affraid because it is in a group setting. Just go and google. ( Meetup groups ) then type in the city your in. Have a blast meeting people. And good luck.

I relate to this post. I'm 40 and have just met a gal through some friends. We went out and it seemed all good & glory but then she turned cold toward me. Its busting me up terribly. She lives about 150 miles away and has a job from hell with very, very little spare time for herself. . I've tried texting, calling and then she said she not looking for a relationship at the moment. Talk about been kicked in the bollocks. She has recently been divorced and I'm choking on the fact that I was just a 'rebound' fling. After been single for all my life i thought this was it. I've finally found my soul mate. We just had so much in common. She's on my mind 24/7. How do i win her heart over? Any ideas anybody. I to become teary eyed cyling to work along the marina and seen all those happy couples. I'm always saying to myself that everybody got somebody. Why have I got nobody? The lonliness does do its best to 'Dig in' at times making me all depressed and people telling me not to worry because it will happen just makes me want to pull out what remaining hair I got left. I have tried to find a lover in the past but failed in part due to complications in my early life 20's to early 30's. It now makes me want to conclude that some people are meant to be alone, I guess I'm just one of those people:(

Why would you want a woman who doesn't want to be with you? Could it be that it was just not meant to be? Does it have to mean you are somehow fatally flawed? The sooner you will move on, the sooner you will attract what is right. To imagine that she is somehow infallible or her rejection of you is significant immediately sets you up to be in a position of inferiority. Only, you are NOT inferior and she IS NOT the one making this assessment. She is simply the one being projected upon.
Who is the PROJECTOR?
Step 1-change the film
Step 2- Write yourself a happy ending with the RIGHT COSTAR. Good Luck!

I see this from the other side of the glass. I am 65 years old and recently widowed,I look back and would not change a thing. It has been and will continue to be a good life. I miss the love of my life deeply. She will never be relaced but i find myself craving female company.

Make the commitment to love while you are young. Yes its scary but the rewards are wonderful! The trick is to find the right one. You'll know when you do.

If you want something set it free to allow it time to land at your feet...

I think I can relate to this situation... It's not me not been into this but its my ex-boyfriend that's into this right now. We broke up for certain reason that he don't want a hard life and unfortunately I grew up poor and with no degree and he finds it scary to realize what future he will have with me. So instead he gave up on the relationship and focused on his career and dated many he find perfect and that suits well for himself... Ended up coming back to me and confessing he never have found such connection we used to have and that said, he can't open himself good to others even if they are obviously attracted to him. I feel sad about it because on some level I've moved on inspite of how hard it had been to me. Accepting what I can't change is what strengthen me to move forward with my life and moving forward with no regret. But I saw him really in agony now, wondering and wishing things would go back from how it used to be. I wish for his happiness but I can't imagine seeing myself being abused emotionally, he can become somewhat he used to be and I don't want that.

I hope its different from you, maybe one day you'll find the right girl that fits you. I think patience is all we need in this lifetime to survive... it's very easy to write the word nor say it but I'm very aware how hard it will be to keep that patience with you.

I just wish you good luck and may you find what you're looking for one day.

You need to have unrealistic amounts of self confidence or else they're just not interested

This is also very true

Most pointless and cliché comment of all time, but I know how you feel. You should feel lucky, though. things could be far worse. You know, like having no friends at all, no goal in life; about 8-10 mental disorders, and a head full of fantasies that will never become reality.

Know what u mean qhere u coming from all though its not that long since i split with my ex but i still get some of those feelings u mention especially when u see others enjoying each others love & companionship

Wow, thanks for all the new comments everyone!



It's good to know that so many people can relate to how I'm feeling. Well, not good, but you know what I mean; it makes one feel better when there are other sympathetic souls in the same boat.

IMO, you're a little too young to be concerned about your (post). Life, particularly for males, is bi-furcated. On one side of the coin, you enjoy and appreciate your indedpendence. YOU stated that.

The "flip-side" of the coin? It's difficult to be alone. "No man is an Island". We all need someone in our lives. It's nice to have friends and family to help replace "being alone" ---- buth (they) do not replace a romantic relationship. Someone with whom you want to share your life with. Someone you want to be with. Someone, whom you miss, every minute of the day (he or she) is gone.

As far as "falling in love with every woman you see"? This speaks of desperation. And,, IMO, that's what you're going through. It is NOT news to anyone of us on this forum. We've (at least most of us) have experienced, or do experience your plight.

Again, you're a liitle too young to be worried about it. Believe it or not --- the right "mate" will come along to you, in your life. You will know it when it happens. And it will be wonderful. Except --- never forget the 1st side of the "coin" --- you NOW lose the "independence" and "freedom" that you (once) enjoyed. You are now required to "belong" to someone, with your undying trust and love.

It's a difficult choice to make. Independence and freedom --- or, NOW, being "tied" down. Although, being "tied down" --- no longer makes you lonely. BUT --- you now surrender your "independence and freedom". Not an easy choice --- but we all to make one. Your call.

Finally --- and I'll repeat it --- you're a little "too young" to be so worried about something that is, eventually, going to "work its way out" --- a relationship.

Best wishes and regards to you: JIM

I agree, it is part desperation. It has the upside that I can ignore frivolous things and see the potential to be happy with anyone, but the downside that I may end up with someone that I don't fully click with, and just be passing time. It's a tricky game.

Well, you just spoke of the human equation, as we know it. It's nice to enjoy your "freedom" --- however it comes at a price, as in beling lonely. If, indeed you Do "end up with someone that you don't "fully click with" --- then, you may well find that it is better (in your young life) to be alone. As a counterpoint --- I would prefer to be alone, fantasize and dream --- as opposed to be with "someone whom I don't click with". THAT would not suit your agenda(s) and goals in place. Take it from someone who has been there. JIM

lol..man, funny how you could write all that's about me. It's been over 2 years and counting...lol It's sometimes depressing to think about specially when you see your ex-girlfriend in another 2 separate relationships with other guys in two years while me still being single all that time. It makes me feel that she might be thinking i'm still not over her when in fact i am ready now to mingle. In my case, i don't really go out and have casual sex with random chicks. That's just not me. Right now, there's this girl that i like and she likes me too i can tell, but the real problem is we can't be together as we both work in different countries although we both come from the same home country. Long distance relationship is not my business so it's another sad story for me.

My heart breaks for everyone who wants to feel connected to someone and isn't. In my own situation I'm in a long-term relationship and don't have that connected feeling that I so want. My best advice for you is to live the best life you can live and put yourself out there so the right person can find you. Be active with the things that you are interested in whether it be social activities, working out, church, etc....love will find you when the time is right.

That was really sweet. It sounds like you'd be a terrific boyfriend. I'm single too and that's the way I need it for the next 12 to 24 months or so. I'm in a nursing program that allows no time for anything else but work, and as for work, I own an Internet company. Everything you described....is so true. I love Tennyson, Shakespeare, Longfellow, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..." I believe in God and know He'll get me through these years, so far doing just fine on my own, but one day... one can only hope. :)

i can feel your pain, been married for about 30 years, now were total strangers, she just wants me to either die or move out and give her my super savings, havnt had sex at home for about 5 years, i crave a warm cuddle and a kiss, thank god my dogs cuddle up, only warmth i get, as im getting older quickly thats it for me, i just refuse to pack it in, ill outlive her just to spite her!

Hi stephenj

I read your comment and I am saddened. It would be a real shame if you both reach the end of your lives like this. Think back to when you got married. You made a commitment to each other. I don't think the blame lies with either one of you, it lies with both. I don't know who else is involved, for example children, but you owe it to yourselves to at least attempt to make your situation better. You have both forgotten the reasons why you love each other. Life is all about attention. When I say attention I mean what you choose to put your attention on, what you are thinking about. Foget multitasking, the human mind can only focus on one thing at a time, albeit being able to switch between things very quickly. But in order to make anything flourish you need to focus your attention on it wholeheartedly. Somehow you both need to start a process where you point your attention on each other, and start to rediscover the intimacy you once had. I bet my bottom dollar that she also craves intimacy. She is only human. So why are you not the target for her love?

Here's a touching story which I read recently. I know it doesn't necessarily apply to your situation but I find it touching nonetheless:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.”

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.

“I want a divorce.” I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!”

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew, a woman at my work that I had developed feelings for. I didn’t love my wife anymore. I only pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce that had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that for that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door each morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she tries, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, saying, “Baba is holding Mama in his arms!” His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.”

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the every day workout made me stronger.


"Our son came in at the moment and said, 'Dad, its time to carry mum out.'"
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at that moment and said, “Dad, its time to carry mum out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”

I drove to the office and jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” She said.

I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew,” I said, “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.”

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: “I’ll carry you out every morning until deaths do us apart.”

I read in Sociology that this sort of thing happens to young men, especially if you are living in a town. it can be devastating to young men. It even drives some to suicide, but if you can make it through those awkward younger years, life gets better. I have been single now for a few months, and I am at the age when I like to reminisce about love passed bye. I remember with fond memories that are always fading away in time. I have learned that even now that I am getting older and love shouldn't happen for a ugly guy like me, that there always seems to be some girl out there for me eventually, if I only can be patient. it rarely works out for me, but I always give it my best shot and have lots of fun along the way. Good luck.

It can be devastating for young men and the scariest thing is that once you get devastated like that not all men can recover from it. I believe this is why I have never had a girlfriend. I have had lots of friends who are girls, I get on well with anyone, but the asking out thing ended in my teenage years and I haven't been able to since.

I am 59 and have never had a girlfriend. I have always had trouble around girls/women. It is the Confidence thing for me. Whenever I try to talk to a woman I become a clam. I know I should be asking them about themselves and what they like but,I clam up and get nervous. I wish you well. I want to meet a woman that will accept me for who I am and will be my best friend. Someone that will be there for me on the Good days and the Bad. And I can be there for her.

I am 62 and have just passed the28 year mark without a girlfriend. While I agree with many of the sentiments here, hostility to couples is a cancer on your psyche that will cause you trouble in future. That is nothing but envy and will get one nowhere. Keep that up and one day you will hate all people, women especially. Then it will be even harder to connect with someone you are hostile to in the first place. I know, I've been there.....for nearly three decades.

Omg I feel the same exact way. I love the single life but Im missing that connection. no matter what I do or accomplish it feels like it doesnt mean nothing

My friend, I truly understand what you are feeling. I haven't been in a relationship for nearly nine years. I too miss the cuddles, the kisses, etc . I can truly and honestly say, many people out in our world are missing love. However it is the real love, the real unconditional love most are missing from their lives.



Many seek love as in "I love you babe, because you're good in bed or a good cook". The real love is you love them no matter what and for who they are. Getting back to the sense of emptiness is definitely something I can relate to and it all boils down to you need love inside you, not really from someone else in a sense.



Actually I find that from a relationship it's more joyful for me to give out that I know I can give in compassion, honesty and sincerity from my heart, as sometimes your partner doesn't have the energy to give back as you do.



Please remember, you have the power to change your life the way you want it. Just learn to trust yourself (self love) and take each moment as a scenario to play with. You can find love. Go with your strongest excitement and you will succeed :)



All the best of luck

Hey guys, all that is so close to my feelings. Sometimes loneliness really gets me. But then I calm down. Each time it becomes bitter, I know that I will feel better tomorrow. Let yourselves feel your pain, but still know that there will be a relief soon. The main thing is not to become too concentrated on this, it won't help you in finding your love. Apart from that, use any known opportunity to find someone for you - go out or search some dating sites, as you wish. When you keep yourselves occupied, you will know that at least you tried, it could make you feel a bit better. Good luck to all of us!

wow, its as if you just read my mind and posted it on here. this is exactly how i feel and i could never have put it better words. But don't worry my friend, there will be someone out there for you, shes just waiting for you to find her

Kinda know how you feel. Been stuck in the same kind of situation. love my life, but just alone. And everyone always tells me not to worry someday some guy will come along and sweep me of my feet, but I just don't buy into that fairytale bs. It just seems like sharing my life with someone is not meant for me. Guess some of us just have to make peace with it.

It's ok I'm spending my life alone.

I totally understand your feelings. I have been alone for 2 years now. It is hard to be alone. But I try and take up my free time exercising and weight training. It helps to take up the energy and also it puts you in a better light to them. At least in my experience. They always told me when your not looking, they will find you when you least expect it. Good Luck. It will happen.