What Are Friends Really?

I'm currently living overseas, far away from home. I'm living with 8 other friends (4girls 4guys), some of whom i just got to know when i came over here, some have been really close friends for the past 3 years. So it all started with something personal. I had a bf back home, but i was too blinded the whole time to see that the rs wasn't going down in a direction that i wanted, nor was he super in love with me (he later confessed saying he just got tog with me since i was 'readily available') During the period of time i was here, i fell in love with one the guys, J, here while still having my bf back home. yes, i was in a way two-timing. My 2 friends, A and B, whom i've known since back home, found out and interrogated me. A spent more time with me trying to understand me, offering support and i told her everything truthfully. I didn't tell B as much, but i did tell her about things that happen along the way as we went along. I ended the relationship one mnth later after they found out. But the pt that they found out started the whole downward spiral.

One of the 2 friends, A, started hanging out a lot more with another girl, C and ignored me and B. She eventually blurted the whole thing about me to C and they kinda built their friendship upon sharing that and having me as a 'common enemy'. (C confessed not liking me and even though she said she didnt't judge me, i know she did). During the whole thing i had no idea what was going on because i went away for a short trip on my own. C and J were actually really good friends but C started ignoring him after knowing about it, said she felt that she doesnt know him anymore. so A and C became close friends suddenly, J became angry, i was ignored by A and C when i got back when i didn't even do anything or know anything until very much later. being the passive person i am i just left it as that, accepting that these are consequences for me for two-timing. Of cos i was very hurt by A who told C abt the whole thing, refused to tell me what C said, and A also said 'how am i not to judge you and accept you for something so immoral that you have done'. So there followed a period of awkwardness between me, A and C.

B on the other hand was puzzled and cannot accept that A and C had become so close and ignored her. I gradually told B about whatever thats going on so that shes not so out of the loop and can accept A for what she is doing. But you know, how some people just cannot click no matter how much time you spend together, B and i are friends like that even after many years. B gradually grew closer to the other girl D, telling her what had happened. The tricky thing here is D had a crush on J even though J had told her directly and very early on that it impossible between them. But D got really angry with him for not telling her right from the start that he was in a rs with me and started ignoring him. I'm like, he has the right to not tell you things like that. Till now i still cannot understand her anger towards him. So D also said 'oh i won't judge you for what you did thats your personal life' but during the time that i talked to her she refused to look me in the eye and you know deep down inside the impression is tarnished and will never look upon me as being 'normal' or 'pure' again. I feel that goes the same for B as well, although she didn't outrightly say anything.

So this whole period of time i felt really wretched. and lonely. I honestly thought i was going to go out of my mind. My ex went insane after finding out about J, asking to skype everyday, texted me every 3-5mins (and slept very little to text me so that he can keep tabs on my whereabouts and what im doing), sent letters everyday, sent items over everyday. He actually came over during Christmas to where i am and god my heart wrenched to think of what J might be feeling and how i have to keep up with my smiles with my exs and try as much to put off his sexual advances on me. So i was dealing with the craziness from my ex, dealing with the IMMENSE guilt and remorse and pain from the breakup, dealing with my girl friends ignoring me and having all that backstabbing ongoing. I locked myself in my room and hardly went out. I was thankful i didn't have that any classes to attend. I didn't know how to face anyone. I accept that these are all consequences of my actions, but i've questioned why such reactions?? It all started from something personal and other people didn't have to bother about it ACTUALLY.Its not like its affecting them directly or anything. I trusted my friends with my stories and they betrayed me like this. For my whole life I always had the belief that friends will accept me for who i am, good or bad. This whole drama has shook my belief at its core. I didn't expect the judging to be so bad that it cause such change in dynamics among us. I've never had anyone hating me, now i do. Just one mistake in your life, and it's gone. you will never be looked upon the same again. Where did forgiveness go? It was really hard coping. If J wasn't around i would be in an asylum already.

After a few months i managed to be more normal again. I told one of my bestest friend of 15years (he's a guy) about what had happened. Everything. I thought if there is only one person to trust, it is him. I was willing to take that gamble again. So i told him everything. He listened, sympathised and didnt say much, only asked me to come home quickly back to my clique. But after telling him we haven't talked for almost a month after that. I thought he was busy since its exam period so i didnt want to bother him. But i recently got a job offer and was group texting my friends (he's inside the group) telling them about it he didn't reply as well. Msged him on skype on two different days and he didnt reply as well.. starting to be a bit worried. Maybe he's going to judge me after all. Maybe he, like the others, look upon me as being dirty or slutty.. Maybe i've lost this gamble once again.

What are friends really? Have i forged friendships so superficial over the years that it cannot stand the winds of something like that? Or does all the blame lie in me?
eyeoffendingbrine eyeoffendingbrine
22-25, F
May 8, 2012