Holding On For A Hero

I NEED SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO – What's Bill Murray's phone number, again?

We’re self-obsessed, financially irresponsible & flick erratically between sexual repression & reckless hedonism. On the surface we’re ‘totally not cool’ with racism, bigotry, gender stereotypes or repression of any sort. Deep down we still harbour our parents’ views, but doused heartily in layers of guilt & self-reproach. That’s what the theorists say about us anyway, & probably our therapists too. We are Generation Y & we are lost. Plus, we can’t get our **** together.


Our generation has more chances & prospects than any of our predecessors. We have the opportunity to be whomever or whatever we want (limited only by our capacity to dream & how pretty we are), but we’re crippled by option paralysis. We need guidance. We need life mentors: people we can turn to, who will be willing to hear our woes, to reassure us. People who have carved their own paths through the swampy mires of life & love; who no longer fear the purchasing of whitegoods.


So where to turn? You might think our parents would be a good place to start, but they are the very reason we are all in this mess. Scratch them from the list. Barack is the next obvious choice, but let’s be realistic - we’re just aiming to get by in life, not raise to greatness. Plus, he’s probably too busy to answer our hysterical midnight calls. 


In the absence of the above candidates only the following options remain. Prepare to meet your life guru…


Prince: The man in the unitard, the symbol, the sex-fiend with a quiff. Who else could teach you that no matter what you do or how tiny you are, people will still splash your face on T-shirts & chant your cumladen lyrics? If you strut, if you ignore the criticism from the masses & if you gyrate as much as you like, you’ll live long & prosper in a mansion. & get laid by really tall babes.




Woody Allen: Hailing from the same category as Prince, Woody is weedy, bald & ginger. He’s having sex with his step-daughter & still employing narrative voice-over in his neurotic films yet I, & most of my friends, want to have or be him. Our lives could surely benefit from his guidance.



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David Attenborough: Definitively the ultimate life mentor. Can you imagine the wisdom this man-god could impart? With all the lessons he has learnt from the Baka pygmies, David would be the provider of perspective. When you sob that your boyfriend doesn’t love you, David would remind you of your irrelevance in the grand scheme of the Earth’s life. Mentor David would leave you feeling reassured, if a little insignificant about your bearing in the world.



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Nigella Lawson: Not only would Nigella restore your mental balance by delivering reassuring advice layered with ganache, but she would also hug you…a lot. Imagine how your concerns would melt, like syrupy fudge, when she looked at you with those deep brown eyes, told you not to worry your pretty waify frame, & handed you some fresh-baked piece of heaven? You would be driven to drama just to receive her maternal mentor-love.



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Billy Murray: Receiving mentorship from Bill would, in my desperate imagination, be a lot like Lost in Translation, sexual tension included. He would be wise, self-deprecating & blunt. & if he failed to solve your problems by the end of your session he’d probably just write you a cheque, hand you a tumbler of whiskey & the keys to his Bugatti.




Vanilla Ice: If there is one lesson we all need, it is how to profit from our own shameful pasts. We all have them & this man – this dancing whiteboy – will teach us how to hold our heads high, acknowledge our past & charge forth into a life of cheap & unabashed comebacks. Never say die! 



blehtolife blehtolife
22-25, F
1 Response May 11, 2012

I enjoyed reading this even though some of your references I an not familiar with and I am a little surprised there are no women on the list,maybe next time?Thanks again.

...nigella lawson?! lol

Well there you go a reference I am not familiar with but thank you I will google her.