I Aim For Beauty, I Aim For Pain.

"Real love is never a selfish emotion. If you want something from someone, especially if that something is sex, what you are feeling is not true love. True love is about wanting happiness for the person you love, and not about seeking happiness for yourself. Fortunately in most cases our own loving presence is the greatest gift we can give to a person we love. Nonethelss, the litmus test of love is knowing we would choose never to see that person again if we believed that distance would bring them greater happiness."
-Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I was always a fan of unconditional and selfless love, add unrequited. The one I love stopped loving me some time ago or thats what she said. I didn't understand though because she kept on calling me, texting me, asking favors from me, meeting me. True enough I know that there was no more affection in her actions. I know her love is absent. I actually accepted that. I even gladly assumed to position of being her slave and her being my master. I was content with that, with the little tiny gestures of attention she gives me. I gave her everything I could for as long as she allowed me to stay by her side. Things changed again when another factor was added to the scenario. She started falling for my friend. Her falling for my friend was way different from her falling out love with me. I just couldn't accept that she wants my friend who's nothing compared to me. I know my friend and I know her capacity. My friend wont be able to endure the violent, cruel and selfish treatment of my master. I couldn't accept that fact that she still wants someone else despite everything I have given her. To make it even worse, she made it clear to me that she likes my friend and now she wants me to help her make a move with my friend. What agony. She knows she's torturing me yet I dont know why she continues to do it. For once in my almost 2 years of servitude, I stopped. I didn't run and wagged my tail like a dog when she called me. I am hurting very much as she selfishly tells me that she'll go meet my friend. Its been only a few days since I tried not to contact her and as I watch some anime, I see myself in the characters. Selfless love is just admirable. To wait for someone you know will never come. Its just beautiful and painful. My resolve to stay away from my beloved master is wavering. I want to return and resume my place in claiming that I will love her unconditionally.

But I made it clear it to myself why Im trying to stay away now. Its not because I want her to miss me or to let her know that I can do it on my own or at least I dont want that to be the reason. My only reason should be to rebuild myself. Prepare a stronger fortress to hold her and protect her, build a stronger me who will be able to love her. I never planned to stop loving her. This is quite idiotic and pathetic but this is the love I know, the idea of love I tried so hard to create. Im just writing this down to remind myself why I need to stay away for now. I hope that when I return, when Im ready, she'll still accept me. I need to rebuild fast. I aim for beauty, I aim for pain.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 19, 2013