Is It Selfish?

I'm only a senior in high school but all of my relationships last for long periods of time. I have currently had 3 girlfriends total each one lasting over a year. But there has always been something troublesome with the girl I'm dating.

My first girlfriend needed the attention of many. I don't remember a time where she wasn't talking to more than one guy. Even when we were together. But I liked her a lot so I made it work. Towards the end of our relationship she cheated on me. That messed with my mind completely. I was 14 at the time and after that I lost all self esteem.

After a couple of months I suppose you could say that I put myself out there again. A girl that I have been friends with since we were 10 told me she liked me. So I decided to give it a go. We dated for a while and everything was pretty normal. We were both in band and one Friday night she collapsed on the field. She was out cold and we had the paramedics look at her. They said she just needed something to eat. It turns out that she had an eating disorder. I was young, only a Sophomore in High School so I didn't think too much of it. We dated for a total of 2 years and throughout the entire relationship she would go off and on with starving herself. I didn't know what to do. I tried encouraging her to eat whenever we were together. I admit that sometimes I got mad when she would tell me that her meal was an orange and some peanuts. But that just isn't a meal. It got too much for me and I couldn't handle that all she thought about was losing weight. She wasn't big at all. She was about 5'2 and weigh 115ish but her goal was to weigh 90 pounds. She never threw up her food (that I knew of) but when she would eat she HAD to work out. One time when we went out to eat at a local sushi bar she started crying cause she needed to run off the calories she just consumed. Her mom was mentally abusive. Always calling her a ***** and a ****. She also commented on her being a little bit big sometimes when she was no where near BIG. I just didn't understand it. Then in 2011 her dad passed away from a stroke. I stayed with her and helped her through that as best as I could. I was so focused on keeping her occupied and happy that I didn't notice that her eating disorder (I'm just gonna refer to that as E.D.) was getting really bad. She started therapy and told me that the reason she had an E.D. is because she couldn't control what was going on in her life. She had just lost her Dad, her sister moved away for college, her best friend hated her cause she started cheering, and her mom was distancing herself from the family. So she controlled the only thing in her life that she could: what she ate. After about 8 more months of dealing with that I just couldn't do it anymore. I hated myself and I hated how I just ignored every little thing that was wrong. I always felt like it was my fault that she didn't eat one day. That I had upset her and she was retaliating by not eating. So I ended the relationship so that the two of us could figure out our lives.

That was about a year ago when I ended relationship #2 and I wasn't planning on getting a girlfriend my senior year at all. But then this Freshman girl (yes I know it's weird since I'm over 2 years older than her) started talking to me. She seemed like a completely normal girl. We started dating 2 months ago and we haven't had any real problems. But I also didn't know her very well. She has just recently started coming out of that awkward freshman bubble that we all seemed to hide ourselves in. I figured out that she has self esteem issues really bad. But what freshman doesn't? So I always complimented her, she is beautiful. I honestly thought that this would be my best relationship that I have had so far. Then I found some cuts on her leg. My first thought was oh it was just her cat because her cat is pretty vicious. But then I really looked at them. They were, without a doubt, on purpose. I just didn't get it. She seemed happy to me. She had a good relationship with her entire family and she was always smiling and laughing at school. So we talked about it. She said she would stop and that she wasn't unhappy, it was just something that was consistent for her. She had stopped for over a month until a couple of days ago. Now her hate for herself is out of control. She has been cutting everyday and I just don't know how to handle it. The thought of someone hurting themselves because they are unhappy just sickens me. I get so upset about it that I almost puke, and I feel like crying but I can't. I'm too emotionless because of the way that I feel inside. I'm a male cheerleader and I do competitive cheer. I didn't want her to get jealous from me being around girls all the time. So a couple of weeks ago I decided to take her to one of my competitions. The entire time that I was with her I could see that she was comparing herself to all of the cheer leaders that were around us. But there was nothing that I could do. I don't know if it started that day or if it was an earlier choice in her life. But she started controlling what she ate. She is starting to get pretty skinny. She wasn't big at all before, maybe like 105 pounds. But I think now she is under 100. I can't tell though. Her parents have noticed that she is eating less and that she is losing weight. They are going to get help for her if anything else happens. But I know that they don't know about her cutting issue. I also know that even if she were to get therapy she wouldn't try to help herself. She closes herself off from everybody when she is unhappy. And I don't know if she lies about everything or if she just isn't telling me the whole truth about things. But I want to help her, I just don't know what would be best.

I've cared a lot about each of these three girls. And I still do. But for just ONCE I want a normal relationship. Where I don't have to deal with an eating disorder. Or with self esteem issues. I just want someone that is happy with themselves. But I think that high school will always be filled with girls that don't love themselves. So I feel as if I'm striving for a lost cause. I don't think I will ever find someone that is content with their own life.

I don't know how to word the rest of my feelings. So I'm going to stop with that. I really just needed a place to vent where people that do listen to what I have to say ACTUALLY listens. Cause I don't have anyone in my life that does except for my mom. And it's 2 a.m. She is asleep.
Euphuzadon Euphuzadon
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

Love her for who she is and pack up all your troubles in your old kit bag and smile. ("Pack up your troubles", Minuutes, youtube) If I had done this, I wouldn't be single 12 years later... Don't take your ability to find new love for granted. That luck runs out in your 30's.