Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

yes i have always wanted to have an sex change to since i was in my very early teens in my school years i really fancied this boy in my class room he was so so hansom and his name was mark alight and he lived on a farm not fair from Hartley Whitney i do not think no one ever know that i fancied mark alight but i did and at play times between class i never played boy games i would always play girls games like hop scotch and skipping and handstands and cartwheels and so on and i got bulled a lot at school because of this. when i was old enough and had enough courage to see a doctor to tail them that i really really want to have an sex change on me so that i could live my life happily as a girl for ever after, i then went on to see lots more doctors to tail them that i really really want to have an sex change on me so that i could live my life happily as a girl for ever after, they then said that i have got gender id problems of being in the wrong sex id meaning that i fault like i was really a girl but looked like a boy, i then went on seeing more doctors at a gender id clinic in London for testes so that they could give me the right strength hormone tablets to change the shape of my body and to stop all my heir growing on my body and to make me start growing my breasts, all was going so well for 2 to 3 years still taking all the hormones they could me, until i had to a pair in court on several occasions and i missed 2 doctors appointments i did ring the gender id clinic that i could not make it to the appointments because i had to a pair in the court on those days, but they did dot take that in to consideration and stooped giving me my hormone tables because i had missed 2 doctors appointments which i fault it was very unfair of them by doing that because after all i did tail them i could not make the appointments and a very good reasons why i could not make it to the appointments but they would bot lesson to me so i was foisted to carry on taking my hormone tablets by ordering the hormone tablets from the internet sits and casting me a lot of money in doing so, my breasts are quite diverted now and growing and getting bigger all the time witch i am very glad to say and filing more like a girl every and wearing all the girls cloths i like the look of them and i wear nothing else but girls cloths now and i fail happy and comfortable of wearing girls clothing but i still find it hard to get the right sized girls cloths at fit me and happy in doing so of wearing the girls as much as i can to fail as much like a girl as pozaball. and now i am at the point where i just wont to have my sex changed so i can fail even more like a girl and even more happier with my life of being a girl that i have always wonted cents my very early teens, that i am failing so so very very desperate about having my sex changed that i would do anything and every thing positional of having my sex changed because i am so so very very desperate of getting it done to me, even if i had get lone to doing so and having large det to pay off back because i do not have the money to pay for my sex change. can any one help me and give advice on how i can go about having my sex changed because i am desperate of getting it done and over with once and all making hole fully like a girl as poser-bull with lots of love and kindness, my boys name was Tony Kester and my girls name is Veronica Castal XxXxXxXx i hope i will here from some of you very soon.

yes i have always wanted to have an sex change to since i was in my very early teens in my school years i really fancied this boy in my class room he was so so hansom and his name was mark alight and he lived on a farm not fair from Hartley Whitney i do not think no one ever know that i fancied mark alight but i did and at play times between class i never played boy games i would always play girls games like hop scotch and skipping and handstands and cartwheels and so on and i got bulled a lot at school because of this. when i was old enough and had enough courage to see a doctor to tail them that i really really want to have an sex change on me so that i could live my life happily as a girl for ever after, i then went on to see lots more doctors to tail them that i really really want to have an sex change on me so that i could live my life happily as a girl for ever after, they then said that i have got gender id problems of being in the wrong sex id meaning that i fault like i was really a girl but looked like a boy, i then went on seeing more doctors at a gender id clinic in London for testes so that they could give me the right strength hormone tablets to change the shape of my body and to stop all my heir growing on my body and to make me start growing my breasts, all was going so well for 2 to 3 years still taking all the hormones they could me, until i had to a pair in court on several occasions and i missed 2 doctors appointments i did ring the gender id clinic that i could not make it to the appointments because i had to a pair in the court on those days, but they did dot take that in to consideration and stooped giving me my hormone tables because i had missed 2 doctors appointments which i fault it was very unfair of them by doing that because after all i did tail them i could not make the appointments and a very good reasons why i could not make it to the appointments but they would bot lesson to me so i was foisted to carry on taking my hormone tablets by ordering the hormone tablets from the internet sits and casting me a lot of money in doing so, my breasts are quite diverted now and growing and getting bigger all the time witch i am very glad to say and filing more like a girl every and wearing all the girls cloths i like the look of them and i wear nothing else but girls cloths now and i fail happy and comfortable of wearing girls clothing but i still find it hard to get the right sized girls cloths at fit me and happy in doing so of wearing the girls as much as i can to fail as much like a girl as pozaball. and now i am at the point where i just wont to have my sex changed so i can fail even more like a girl and even more happier with my life of being a girl that i have always wonted cents my very early teens, that i am failing so so very very desperate about having my sex changed that i would do anything and every thing positional of having my sex changed because i am so so very very desperate of getting it done to me, even if i had get lone to doing so and having large det to pay off back because i do not have the money to pay for my sex change. can any one help me and give advice on how i can go about having my sex changed because i am desperate of getting it done and over with once and all making hole fully like a girl as poser-bull with lots of love and kindness, my boys name was Tony Kester and my girls name is Veronica Castal XxXxXxXx i hope i will here from some of you very soon.